Searching for help so I don't ruin this wonderful thing
I have never really reached out like this before but I am with this amazing guy who deserves so much more than me and the least I can do for him is to try. We have been together for some years and we recently hit a bump in the road and it is all my fault. I started gaining weight about two years ago. Wasn't really bad at first but in the last year I just really blew up. Things were happening over the last year that I just allowed to impact me in such a way that I just let myself go. I guess one day I just woke up and realized it and hated myself for it. I am disgusted with myself and avoid looking at myself in the mirror most days. The idea of me having sex is awful. The way I picture myself in my head having sex is just sad and pathetic. Being touched at this point gives me anxiety because when I touch myself (not sexually) I am disgusted with the way I feel and the idea of him feeling that to terrifies me. Now I know the way to fix this is one: work out and be healthy and 2: learn to love myself. I have started working out and dieting again but it is a slow process. I can see how hurt and rejected he feels and it breaks my heart. I try to tell him this has nothing to do with him but it doesn't make him feel any better. I dont know how to just flip the switch in my head to accept myself. How to I help him? How do I help us? I am on the slow road to being fit but everyone keeps saying "You need to learn to love yourself" how does one just do that? I am so frustrated and lost.
The world suffers from something that is the root of a lot of different problems.
Somewhere along the line you have lost your balance and you can find it again by programming yourself, by promoting your own processes of realization. Surround yourself with truths and reflections of truths that support the direction you want to go. Do this first with a collection of facts and then use that information to be creative and design art to surround you and continue to guide you.
Look at the phrase 'BELIEVE in yourself'. Now look at the phrase 'BE ALIVE in yourself'. A major part of having balance is BEING CONNECTED WITHIN. Having a relationship with ourselves. Being connected to our consciousness. Being our own best friend. Conversations with ourselves.
You were on a downward spiral, awareness of this can help you turn it around.
As you plan the steps that you will take like yoga classes, walks in the park, simplifying your diet....focus on FREEDOM, Focus on what you are going to get out of your changes, what you are going to get out of LIFE. Stay in the present, be aware of how you feel. Keep a journal of all of the things that you are grateful for each day, all the things that you found beautiful about life, all of your wonderful dreams. Keep it positive so that you lead yourself in that direction.
Don't focus on the weight loss and technical things... focus on the life that you want to live. Focus on what you are doing with your time... other than eating, being tired, being preoccupied with depressing thoughts etc. What are you doing with your time. Fill your days will wonderful things...have fun! Learn. Challenge yourself. Listen to music that lifts you. There isn't anything more empowering to help you turn around than having experiences that you get to say 'III DID IT!!' That might mean jogging around the neighborhood, something you never thought you could do. Or Reading an entire collection of stories. Or Designing a clay pot.... You need I DID IT's in your life.. so that you can't wait for the next challenge ahead of you!!
This is what it means to love yourself. This is what it means to have a relationship with yourself.
Work on 2 other points. IDENTITY and VISION. On a piece of paper or in a notebook write both words down on different pages. Collect all of the thoughts that you can that describe your identity. Who you are, what you do, what you see, what you say... all of the things that reflect the TRU YOU. Keep collecting thoughts and look at that list every single day. This is will build your belief system, so be sure to define the best of you and what you want to be.
Under Vision you want to collect thoughts that reflect. What is life. what is your purpose, what do you love, what do you love to do, what are your dreams, what IS love, what do you NEED, how do you want to be, what is healing, ... etc.
BE ALIVE in yourself....YOUR life...YOUR path.
We are born and we will die having lived this one life with ourselves....enjoy yourself, enjoy your life.....and you will be enjoyed again.