Lost and confused daughter looking for guidance
I feel so lost and alone. I have been falling apart. My mother has gone to great lengths to be a better person. She has turned things around for herself and for the first time in my life she is really trying for me. I can see how hard she is working to make everything between us okay. I am so proud of the changes she has made to separate herself from who she used to be and the things she used to do. I love to see how proud and happy she is. I can see how much better she feels not weighted down by the guilt of her actions and I would never want to take that away from her.
I forgave my mom a few years ago, I was happy to see that my mom cared about me and was trying for me I didn't want to trash that by being mad
at her. These last few years have been very hard for me though. The older I get, the less I understand about her. When I turned 20 at some point I woke up and realized that this was the age she was when this started. She was so angry and hateful and spiteful. She beat me and my sisters. She has this hatred for my father and it leaked on to me. She was so cruel to me. She was very open about her hate for my father and her disdain for me for acting like him or looking like him. I remember being so confused, why does my mother smile at my sisters but not at me? Why can my sisters yell at her but as soon as I "back talk" she gets so hateful and beats me for it? The memories how the things she did, the memories of the little me being so scared, confused, and hurt. I just can't understand. I see the kids around me and I can't imagine punching one in the face or body slaming them or pulling them around the house by their hair. It seems so evil. I feel so angry. I can't forget. I will
have to live with this the rest of my life. The things I blamed myself for for so many years. Feeling like I am not good enough, the anxiety, the hate inside of me. I don't know how to move on with my life and it was because of things she did to me.
I see this strong woman now and I want to love her, I want to be close to her, I want to have a relationship with her. I don't want her to suffer anymore. I don't want her to have to pay for the rest of her life. But as soon as i'm alone, I feel everything. I have to pay for this for the rest of my life. I have to live with her choices. Why am I the only one carrying this? I feel like I want someone to pay for this but I don't know who. This has been eating me for a couple years now and it recently started to escalate for me. She is talking about how she wants to be there when my kids are born and be a grandma and all this great stuff but there is this wall in my heart that truly doesn't want her there. I do not feel close with her. I do not want to share such intimate things with her. I know if I told her these things it would devastate her. I have never been more conflicted in my life. I cry when Im alone sometimes i scream and hit things. I just need some direction. Please anyone.
Your feelings are very typical for someone who has been abused, then must turn around and cope with the changed abuser who now is in their life, a changed person.
At my ages I even see friends who must now care for invalid parents who once abused them when they were a child!
I think you need a safe place to vent your feelings. Professional counseling with a therapist who specializes in abuse might help.
I went to Adult Children if Alcoholics. It helped to put things in order for me about my childhood being raised by alcoholics. It wasn't all good, it wasn't all bad.
I learned that I didn't have to forgive or even love; I just had to understand.
Please find a safe place to express yourself.
Good luck. The heart is big enough to withstand much.
Do you live with her?
It is impossible to live with people that have abused us and have peace in our heart. FREEDOM. Flow of life.
Living with people that have abused us is exhausting and it impairs our ability to function, it isn't always an effect because of any certain thoughts, its our soul that knows all.
Life IS easier than some people make it for us.
In time after you move out, when you have created your own life, your own path, enjoying yourself, enjoying your life.... you might be able to have a relationship based on truth if that is what you want.
***Things become less relevant to us and have less power over our lives.. when there are more important things in our life.
Our parents had us to take care of us so that we could be independent and contributing members of our communities, some parents have us thinking that we are here to serve them and their needs.... but WE ARE GOD'S CHILDREN.
In order for you to let go of anger consider the reasons why she is the way she is. It is probably what I call the WEREWOLF syndrome, she was bitten and so she bites. She did not learn how to immunize herself from an injury turning her into a werewolf. She didn't learn to use the power of love to heal. She forgot all of the things that are important to her, all of the things that she loves and loves to do. She forgot the definition of life and the BLESSING there is in having children. She forgot that SHE IS GOOD.
Understand also that we are all reflections of nature, when hungry people will do anything for food and in a lot of cases that means energy, attention, power over others. You do not want to be under her control. You want to see the truth and rise above. You want to create your own world and feel sorry for her, sorry enough to tolerate her .... if that is something you choose to do.
It is difficult. You want to be left in peace, and you want freedom but you are a good girl with a big heart and so you want to do 'the right thing' and be a good daughter. So the definition of freedom is extended to include... not having any regrets.
Take as much time as you can on your own building your own wonderful world and life... and maybe invite her for lunch one day. As you sit with her do not BELIEVE in her, do not engage your heart and mind with her, keep your thoughts within your own consciousness..inner dialogue seeing through what she is saying and doing. Feel sorry for her. Pity her. And walk away from that lunch knowing that you are free, a good person, with a wonderful life ahead of you. After more time these meetings will show you that you YOU have the power in how this relationship effects your life.
It isn't age that defines who leads, its maturity. Our light... is all equal, our minds are different based on what we teach them and THAT is what makes the difference between one another. What I am trying to say is that on some level if you want, you are the mother and she is the child. She isn't a child that you necessarily want to take care of, but you can look at her mind as if she is a child helping you tolerate her and empowering you to be stronger.
Again, it all depends on what you want. What we want is directly related to how we create our own FREEDOM. What we want is also conditioned, trained in our mind... and sometimes we have to focus on the truth in order to retrain our mind to what is best for us. It takes practice, review of the points that are important to you. Journal. Make lists. Collect your thoughts. Define her. Define yourself. Define life. Step outside the reality, the world that she has built for you.... and define life for yourself. Artists work hard through music, film, books to try to get people to understand that WE have the power to lead our lives and follow our dreams.
Look up the PSYCHOLOGICAL principle... CONDITIONING.
You are going to have to encourage your own process of realization by filling your thoughts up with all the information that you can that supports the direction you want to go in. This is how we CHANGE. FREE OURSELVES.
Thank you guys for responding. I do not live with her, have not since I was 16. She isn't that person anymore. The changes I needed her to make she made and that is what makes this so hard.