He can't upset his kids
Engaged a year it was his 60th birthday. His daughter, in text to me when I contacted her, said she was holding a family gathering at her place. I said I would hold a friend's party at a restaurant so both bases were covered. She was to advise party date so I could confirm restaurant booking, however she failed to advise.
In front of me she announced that party date and asked my fiancee for a list of friends names to invite. He knew I was holding a restaurant party yet he willingly gave her names without even a glance at me or saying anything about my plans.
He says I should have spoken up and said no. (his words a year later). Also admitted he didn't want friends invited to the party she was holding.
Why did he give her the names, why didn't he say no. Why did I have to jump in on what they started planning?
Was he correct to say nothing and give her names?
Good morning Angela,
Love is the most powerful force in the world and that means that it can be overwhelming and difficult to manage!!
What you have out of perspective right now is the fact that they have been connected for over 20 years. This party is an opportunity for his daughter to show him appreciation for all that he has done for her, its something that she NEEDS to do.
He is probably really humble, a lot of us would SAY that we do not want a party, but at heart who doesn't want to be celebrated by all of their friends. He wants to make you happy, he wants to make his daughter happy.
It is important to let him know that you are happy, this is a CELEBRATION, LIFE is a celebration, keep it positive, LIFT him up. Women have so much power, pick your battles... like making him drink his apple cider vinegar for longevity and health, or sending you to the spa once a month, spending time together in nature... things that are NEEDED to improve our quality of life!!
If it were me, I would spend my time and effort of creating a different kind of experience on a different day or weekend, something that celebrates him, celebrates life, defines life, defines him, something very creative and insightful.
Life is... just one experience after another after another after another.... create something wonderful.
This has been festering between you two for a year?
What has been going on since then?
Good morning to you both.
It took him a month to tell his daughter that we were engaged, I had the ring on my finger one day and he knew she would see it. She is 28, married with 2 children so she is mature. Me? I was confused, it's like he was letting her down and he'd already married another woman since her mother. Did not understand why he couldn't share his happiness.
Truluv I am confused. His daughter said in text that she only wanted to invite family to his party. She was told in text then that I would hold a friend's party. Am I missing something because I thought it would be polite for her to tell me she had changed her mind. Also thought my fiancee could have turned to me and said,"we could combine family and friends" or such. The two of them forgot courtesy, blocked me out and left me sitting gobsmacked within minutes of telling me that her sister was to let me know the party date as she had given her that job. (Her sister denied being asked to notify me)
The last year has been strained. His second wife left him because he walked over her to satisfy his kids. I see shades of it. Whenever he bought me flowers he had to buy his second daughter flowers so she didn't get jealous. We booked an overseas holidays but before he could tell her he had to first offer her a holiday so she didn't feel left out. (This daughter I get along with)
Truluv it feels like I shouldn't be offended over basic manners being forgotten and that a man's adult child has to be bowed down to and not taught manners. I was married for close to 30 years and raised successful, well-mannered men who always consider my partners and never had difficulties with them.
I was trying to find a way to gain enough respect to be considered by all parties just as I consider them. I was trying to understand the dynamics and how to resolve this problem. I gather I may need to lose some self respect and no matter what I plan be prepared for those plans to be changed without consultation or apology or even a word and simply accept it. Is this correct and the only approach.
Since his birthday sesseidqq we have had other issues. We split up a month ago and he sent me a text message saying he was at a brothel, another one the next day saying he was at a different one. It was true and he was trying to hurt me, he succeeded. I could reconcile at any time but this latest rendezvous and constant family conflict have distressed me severely. I'm processing hence this thread.
"Whenever he bought me flowers he had to buy his second daughter flowers so she didn't get jealous."
And that is when you say... 'honey, sweetheart, you are buying flowers for your daughter because you love her'
You see you have the power to put whatever spin on life that you wish, go with love, go with truth.
A womans power is to see love, to see truth... and reflect it so that others can see it to... and bask in its delight.
We all have pasts, we can let it define our future... or we can build a better one.
HE IS YOUR BABY..... KEEP HIM FREEEEEEEEE. Men can get twist turned upside down in thought, MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR HIM.
In turn it will free yourself to think like an ANGEL.
The particulars about the party... Some friends are considered Family. I don't think that this is an issue that needs so much attention. Make your planet bigger, meaning have more fun ENJOYING life and all the wonderful things you could be doing with your time... and this matter will not seem as big to you. A queen must take care of a queen and a king must take care of a king... so that they can come together for HEALING. You have two separate worlds, and then you have one that you share. They all blend, but what I am saying is that I think you need to do more things that are important to you. Purpose. What do you live for? What fills you with JOY? What new activities could you do that will fullfill you?
Let him, support him.... in his love for his children. And do not make him feel as if he has to hide it. LOVE IS LOVE. And you want him to have as much of it in his life as he possibly can.
The brothel thing bothers me more than a man getting in between two women planning parties. That says something about him.
Look - he has "baggage" and you need to know if you can take it on.
If not, stay engaged for a very long time.
(No need to get married at your ages, anyway, huh? )
Susiedqq....thank you for your response. Makes complete sense.