Am I the only one fighting for this anymore?
Okay, fair warning this is going to be a VERY long post. I'm going to give you information about us as individuals first so you can kind of see both viewpoints.
Me: I haven't had an easy life, grew up with an abusive step father, me and my mom had gotten evicted and lived in a car for months. She went off to live with a guy and I went to a homeless shelter. She had a lot of problems and the guy she was living with took her meds. Eventually she ended up in the hospital and then a nursing home.
This was over a course of about 3 years, while I was still homeless. I lived with her in the hospital and visited her in the nursing home as much as I could. She ended up passing away from a stroke and very bad fall.
At this time I was living with a guy that took me in, but he was an alcoholic and also extremely abusive. Again, for about 2 years before I got myself out of the situation, got myself back on my feet and got my own place and job. I was and am a very guarded person. I don't trust people easily. I was numb to my emotions for a long time and turned to alcohol. I stayed to myself. My motivation for working wasn't myself but my cat. As sad as that sounds, I had to make sure he was taken care of. I wouldn't let him be homeless.
Cue my boyfriend. At this point in my life a relationship was the last thing on my mind. I was 25 years old, never really been in a real relationship. I never gave anybody a chance because truthfully I was miserable and living on borrowed time. I just wanted out, but I couldn't leave my cat by himself so I was going to wait until he passed on.
I was on a social app when we met. I would go on there and talk to people when I was drunk and bored. Just a way for me to connect to people as I didn't in real life. I was and am too shy to even approach people like that, especially when sober. When he messaged me I initially ignored him.
This went on for months, with me occasionally saying hi and asking how he was doing. He sent me a picture and asked if I knew anybody in it. Turns out he lived in this small town where I'm from for 8 years (with his ex wife). At this time he lived in another state with his family, about 4 hours away. Turns out we had a mutual friend.
This scared me more as I never wanted to meet the people I talk to online. I never wanted to pursue anything further or have anybody in my life at all really. So we stopped talking for a little bit. He messaged me on his bday and asked if I would call him. I was intoxicated. I called him. He had my number now.
Eventually I told him that we could hang out if the mutual friend was present as well, as he was coming down here to visit a few friends. After this a few more months had passed, I told him to lose my number because this mutual friend we had, had resurfaced and told me to leave it alone, he was only after one thing. So I did. He kept calling and texting.
Mutual friend moves in with me for a few wks, he comes down and she needs a ride to work and back. Now he knows where I live. She texts me from downstairs asks if he could come up so they could smoke. I say why not, I should just get this over with now.
Even longer story short; He got to me. He moved in with me basically day two. He never left. I fell hard for him. He was and is my first love. He broke down my walls and made me the happiest I've ever been. I didn't even know I was capable of that kind of happiness at that point in my life. I stopped drinking so much because I wasn't miserable anymore. I started to see a future for myself which I haven't seen in a long time. The first 6 months were straight from a fairytale.
Now a little bit about him; He's 31 (I'm 27), he's not from this country, he's from Jamaica. Very close with his family, especially his mother. He's been married two times before me. They weren't real, they were green card marriages. He was with his first wife for about 8 months, and his second for close to 8 years. Through these marriages he would always talk to other women online. (He says this is an addiction of his. I've witnessed it and he treats it like a game. He gets these women to fall for him, only to pull back. He just wants to prove he can get it in the first place so he pulls on heartstrings)
A sort of 'backup' plan for when he was free, I guess. To start his future with somebody he actually cared for. He has a great heart, but is numb to a lot of things, as in emotions. He has no remorse for a lot of the things he's done to hurt people. He also hasn't coped with a lot of things that's happened to him (he's gotten shot multiple times and has been through hell with his ex. The one he actually loved, his childhood into adulthood love)
After fighting for his green card he did receive it about a year ago. He also has a huge addiction to tree (I don't mean addiction as in how one is addiction to crack or cigs, its more mental but he does go through withdraws) which is a huge financial burden as we can't afford him spending 20 dollars a day on marijuana.
As already stated, the first 6 months were bliss. Amazing. No words can describe my level of happiness. After that it started to go a little downhill. I agreed to give up my place and my job so we could go to the state where his family is, so he could be closer to his mother. I regret a lot of things with my relationship with my mom and wish I could do things differently/treated her better, I wanted him to be close. To do the things I could never do. We stayed with his mom while we tried to find jobs and a place to live.
For close to 4 months. It proved to be more difficult then I had initially thought. And there was a lot of pressure on me to be close to his family. Given my history I'm not exactly a social butterfly and prefer to be isolated. But I tried. I got along with most of his family, but I couldn't get through to his mom. I just couldn't add all these family members to my family (which is only my sister) overnight. I didn't feel comfortable with that. So that was a big let down for him and one of the reasons he was always mad at me. Each time he yelled at me I became more secluded.
I saw his messenger one night, he was asking another girl if she was single/that she was beautiful. I confronted him and eventually I let it go and forgave him. Then Christmas came. It was the day before xmas and this was our first big fight. He had his messenger connected to a tablet, and he was out. Talking to this girl on Facebook (later I had found out that he's known this girl for like 10 years, apparently they're bffs but more on that later) I'm sitting there reading these messages where he's talking trash on me and saying that he wants to break up but doesn't know how to do it, etc.
So I screen cap everything because he's one of those that doesn't admit to anything unless shown proof. I see him deleting these messages one by one through messenger. He comes home, I confront him. He admits his problem and says sorry. I was crying over it. I was hurt. He comforts me. The one and only time he has ever shown remorse for what he's done, by the way. I forgive him, we move on.
Eventually we did have to go back to my town, because his mom really didn't want us there and she had allergies to my cat. So we went back. Got a place probably within a month and he got a job. So he gets this job and within a month I find out that he's talking to this other girl at work. Texting, asking when they're going to have intercourse, if she was touching herself, etc. Pictures were sent.
After all this she sent me like 300 screen caps of their conversations. It was intimate. I ask her if they've ever done anything, she says they just kissed and he was at her place once but they didn't do anything. When I find all this out were out of state visiting his family. I go in the room where he's sleeping and basically go off. All he can say is 'f off' and go back to sleep.
We get back to PA. I tell him he needs to earn my trust back if he wants to stay in this relationship. That he might have fought for this relationship but the moment he started talking to another woman is the moment he stopped fighting and was willing to risk it all. He agreed.
So Memorial Day comes, we get invited to a party thrown by one of his work friends. He left early to mow the lawn at his buddies house and get the place ready for the party while I got ready. He left at about 10. Didn't get back until about 6.
I called and texted him all day. He didn't pick up or said it was loud, etc. Turns out the girl from work was there. As she had described they 'made out and he fingered' her in his car. He admitted it. I told him to start looking for another place. To be put on the waiting list at these one apartments. He said he already got put on the list.
Now as you know, none of this actually lead to a break up. Some would say I'm stupid and I deserve the constant heartbreak, maybe that's fair but I love him and I'm not sure I can lose the person that made me want to live again. Literally.
After all this happened, I was broken. Depressed. Just wanted to sleep all day and do nothing. He called me lazy and unmotivated, still does, because I'm depressed and still broken. Anyway after all the work drama he got fired about 2 weeks after the whole party situation.
That didn't stop him from talking to other girls though. He talked to the girl from work still, another girl from work, his ex wife of 8 years, the girl he's known for 10 years, and a few others as well. I caught him doing this on snap chat and messenger.
He claimed it was just because he wanted to see if he could get some money from them, in which he did from his ex wife and from the girl at work. He wouldn't straight up ask them though, he would flirt, get nudes, etc.
At this point in time I didn't care anymore. I was starting to fall out of love with him. He had a conversation with this girl he's known for 10 yrs, saying that they were meant to be together, that he wants her to have his children, etc.
At this point I don't care anymore but I do know I deserve more then that, so I tell him, if I see him so much as speaking to another girl in a suggestive way I'm out. Done. He straightened up after that, spent more time with me, asked if I could make him an appt. with a therapist, etc. We were fine again, my feelings for him were emerging again and my disgust was slowly wearing off. I wasn't as angry with him anymore. We were talking about marriage and kids. About our future.
So, the situation now:
Remember when I told you he said he was already on a waiting list for another place? Well I just found out that he is still on this waiting list and has been calling them behind my back to see where he is and when he can get in, etc.
Now me and him have been together for 2 years, which might not seem like a long time but it was every single day for 2 years. We never spent a day or night apart since the day we met. To me, people who are living together do not have places on the side. He says because he has a fear that were going to break up and he doesn't want to be stranded, which you know I can kind of get, being homeless you always need to look out for yourself and always have a safe backup plan if things don't work, but
1) I would never do that to him. Leave him with no place to go I mean.
2) I think it's more BS. I think when he gets this place he's either going to break up with me, or move in and say we should still be together but live separately
3) I don't trust him to be on his own, I can't even trust him when were living together let alone apart
4) This is a huge step backwards. Regression is not part of a healthy relationship
5) Of course I'm insecure after everything he's done, who wouldn't think of a side apartment is for all his conquests?
6) I've already asked and he refuses to get off the waiting list.
So, here's my question,
How in the world do I resolve this in a way where we are both happy? I don't want to be hurt again, I'm terrified of him leaving me. I don't want to go back to feeling emptiness.
PS: If you actually read all of that, you're an amazing person.
I am so sorry you have to go threw that. I have been right where you are. What you are actually wanting is a miracle. The truth that refused to listen to is you can't change someone. They have to have their own epiphany and there just isn't a way to manufacture that. And the sad truth is you can't resolve this, at least not in the way you are hoping.
You will help yourself out a lot but understanding and accepting you are powerless when it comes to him and his actions. The only control you have is with yourself. You cant stop the situation but you can control how you handle it. It took me years to understand this.
Here are the realistic options you have 1: stand your ground. Decide how you are going to be treated and let them decide if they are going to stay or go. You have to accept in your mind and heart there is a chance of saying good bye. Can't control their decision.
2: learn to accept the behaviors. If him staying around is the most important thing to you, you will need to learn to accept who he really is. This behavior is really taking it's toll on you and if you know in your heart you can't learn to accept it and you stay, you are just postponing the inevitable.
I can tell you when I was in that situation, I made it so hard on myself. I refused to listen, I wanted him so badly that I decided in my head there Is a way to control him, make him love me more, respect me. I couldn't picture life without him. I let my self be dragged threw the dirt for 4 years. I was so exhausted and damaged at the end that I decided nothing mattered anymore. In my head I felt like I was ending my life. I waited for everything to just die inside of me and finish me off. Nothing happened. I was okay. All the crazy ideas I had about what would happen to me with out him never happened. It was all on my head. You got this. You have overcome a lot of bad things and you will overcome this to.
Oh my love .... this man's behavior is SO ingrained into his psyche that he will NEVER change. Your future will be very painful if you stay with him. Don't even think of getting pregnant!!
He is already planning his "escape" from you by getting another place to live. He is already gone. Let him go.
So the question that you should be asking is: why do I spend my time and energy trying to work on this toxic relationship?
One answer might be because of your role as the " caretaker" and nurturer in your own dysfunctional family.
So you find a manipulating, needy man, - you let your guard down for once - and bam!! You get walloped again!!
You seem resilient and smart. Get yourself together and distance yourself from this guy ( who shows a lot of narcisstic sociopath behavior)
Go to counseling to learn that you deserve SO much more!!