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I think I'm being gaslighted

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Relationship advice Hi there. I am having a situation with my husband today. We've been together for five years, and in the past I believe I have been gaslighted by him. Things were going great for a long time, however I'm now feeling like I'm being gaslighted again. Last night he said we'd leave the house at 7:15 this morning. So, 7:00 rolls around and he says we're leaving in ten minutes. I reminded him that he said 7:15 last night, and he kept insisting that he never said that, although I know for a fact he said 7:15. I know this isn't a huge deal, but I got upset because it's not the first time that he says one thing, then spins it around and denies that he ever said it. He got so frustrated with me that he said "you're so testy in the mornings, I could hit you".


He didn't speak to me all day until we both got home from work. He asked what's wrong with me and I reminded him of what he said this morning, (he "didn't remember"). Then he said "I never sait hit, I said I could smack you". Either way it's not good to say that to your wife, but again he kept denying that he said he could "hit" me, he kept saying he said he could "smack" me. He kept saying "I know what I said", and "you really think I'm that type of person to hit you?" And "it's just a figure of speech".

I'm unsure of what to do and I am so filled with rage because he keeps denying that he said what I KNOW FOR A FACT he said it. And now he's not speaking to me and hasn't even apologized. I would like some insight please.

Thanks.

I think I'm being gaslighted

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Could it be that when he said 'I will meet you downstairs in 10 minutes', he meant 10-15 minutes?

But then your reaction made him stubborn?

In relationships we are always dealing with 2 different realities.

There is what YOU are focused on, and there is what HE is focused on.

You were focused on 15 minutes and the list of things that you had to do in that time, and he was focused on where you guys were heading that day and what he had to do.

I think he got angry because he felt as if you were making something out of nothing and then because it became a something and he was unable to communicate the truths of what was going on, he chose to be stubborn, just to oppose you.

Tell him that you understand all of this and that you can see how nothing became a problem, but also explain that it hurt that he would say that he would harm you, but you understand that he wouldn't actually hit you. (It doesn't sound that he has ever hit you before)

In relationships it is very important to make sure that the other person thinks that they are GOOD. If he feels as if he is a bad person, he will digress and be quick to be bad again. We are only human, we are going to make mistakes. He is silent because he has been unable to see the truth as I have spelled it out and he feels bad inside. Help him free himself. Share the truth and tell him that you love him. Have this conversation without any tone of blame or anger... but understanding of our humanity....understanding of your baby.

I think I'm being gaslighted

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The guy can't keep track of time down to 5 minutes.

So there's a problem. Really.

It has nothing to do with time, it has all to do with being irritated with each other. And now this non- issue has blown up into something even more dangerous: falling out of love with each other because daily life gets in the way.

When is the last time you two went away on a weekend - just the two of you?

I think I'm being gaslighted

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I'm going to give you my reactions as they occurred when I read your opening post:

Hi there. [warm and friendly lady] I am having a situation with my husband today. [can't just be a situation, situation doesn't have you going as far as posting on a problems forum - nervous...expecting to be judged and undermined] We've ["we" - she's cooperative] been together for five years [memory working fine], and in the past [WHEN?] I believe I have been gaslighted by him [how does she know the term Gaslighted? - research? - WHY?]. Things were going great for a long time [HOW long?], however I'm now feeling like [feeling like or realising?] I'm being gaslighted again [when exactly did it begin? - she doesn't say, interestingly enough]. Last night he said we'd leave the house at 7:15 this morning. [who died and made him boss?...where's the consultation and agreement as befits 'togetherness'?] So, 7:00 rolls around and he says we're leaving in ten minutes. [are "we"? - again, says who?] I reminded him that he said 7:15 last night [then he did], and he kept insisting that he never said that [then why did she remember it as 7:15?], although I know for a fact he said 7:15 [I believe her]. I know this isn't a huge deal [nor is any iceberg tip....until it sinks the boat], but I got upset because it's not the first time that he says one thing, then spins it around and denies that he ever said it [mm-hmm!]. He got so frustrated with me [did he?...just over that?....WHY?] that he said "you're so testy in the mornings, I could hit you" [RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG - THREAT & INTIMIDATION!].

He didn't speak to me all day [The Silent Treatment!!!...over seemingly nothing!!!...and obviously he normally does or did... RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG] until we both got home from work. He asked what's wrong with me [Playing Dumb!] and I reminded him of what he said this morning, (he "didn't remember") [Selective Amnesia/Denial!]. Then he said "I never sait hit, I said I could smack you". Either way it's not good to say that to your wife [YUP!], but again he kept denying that he said he could "hit" me, he kept saying he said he could "smack" me. [Hair-Splitting!] He kept saying "I know what I said", and "you really think I'm that type of person to hit you?" [Well, he's certainly the type to suggest he would!] And "it's just a figure of speech". [No, it's not, it's Threat Of Physical Violence, not something healthy, respectful people say, least of all to the one they LOVE]

I'm unsure of what to do and I am so filled with rage because he keeps denying that he said what I KNOW FOR A FACT he said it [I believe her]. And now he's not speaking to me and hasn't even apologized [Silent Treatment Stage 2!!!]. I would like some insight please.

Thanks. [good manners, says a lot]

*********

Will that do ya?

Talk to me. Answer those questions as well, please. I want *all* the Gaslighting attempts you can recall, please. And any other behaviour of his that bothers you.

PS: This doesn't define him as An Abuser but we can at least establish he's using an abuser tactic and obviously as an ongoing, now fairly long-term thing.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

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