Advice please on horrible relationship
I met a woman online about 2 yrs ago where she had posted she was divorced but was actually still married and her husband left her and was seeking a divorce. I told her she needed to finish her divorce before we could date because I don’t date married women. She then began coming around unexpectedly and showing up at my door which I told her she couldn’t do but she continued to do anyway. Another reason we could not date is because she was not a Christian. She fought me against being a Christian until one day I happened to look over and see her with her four daughters in my church. I later attributed this to her checking up on me to see if I was at church with anyone else. I told her I was not happy about her stalking me like this. She then joined my church despite the fact it was nowhere close to her home. She was persistent to say the least.
After her divorce was final, she continued and I wasn’t dating anyone so I thought, “If she’s going to be this persistent then let’s see where this goes.” Before I go any further, she has been married three times with I believe all of them leaving her. I know of at least one marriage where she had an affair. She also had a live-in failed engagement which she refuses to call a “marriage” although I’ve argued what the difference was since they were living as a couple with her children. I call it four marriages. In her last marriage, she said she and her husband had three counselors quit on them. She has two older daughters from one marriage and two younger daughters from her latest marriage. Fast forward another year later after we’ve begun dating and I’ve never questioned why men have left her. I have 14 Facebook friends (really relatives) and don’t use Facebook yet she insisted I friend her. I explained I didn’t want to and she persisted. I agree and immediately she jumps into examining my “friends – family” I must have added from years ago. She wanted to know who this person was, how I know her, why I had her as a friend. I explained she was a cousin I hadn’t seen in 30 years. She went so far as to investigate everyone. Fast forward, I find she has a bunch of single male friends that are on her Facebook page and she tells me “they are just friends” though they only “like” photos of her and none of me with her or her with her kids. I then find her chatting with old male friends about her past relationships from college – none of which would be ok for me even though my “friends” include only cousins and my mother.
In another instance, I suggested that she and I go see La La Land since I knew she liked dancing. Instead, she decided to take one of her daughters and invited me within one-minute notice of the movie starting and let her daughter believe it was her idea. She has made plans with her girlfriends and when they have fallen through then asks if I’m available though she doesn’t make plans with me. After all of this persistence in trying to date me she seems to now have no idea how to treat a relationship. I should mention that we went to counseling also and the counselor did ask her, “Do you know what a relationship is?”
Probably one of the worst things that happened was that she got drunk and pushed me in my home slurring her speech and telling me how much better at 45 yrs old she is than any woman who is 20. I asked her to stop and she pushed me and it got physical while our children were with us. I asked her to please stop and that she needed to leave and she refused. I was bleeding from both of my arms where she had grabbed me. I threatened to call the police once and she still refused to leave. Her daughters pleaded with her. My children were scared. I finally had to call the police and she was removed. They said I would have to file charges and she would be arrested to be able to document the scratches and blood. Not wanting to have her daughters picked up, I declined to have her arrested. Over the following weekend, I never even received a thank you for not having her arrested or an apology.
She’s asked me to setup meetings with my female co-workers so she could introduce herself. She has called me a loser, beer bellied, chicken legged, and then afterward didn’t apologize but when confronted about her words she said she was drunk. She got drunk and tore up my closet, knocked mirrors off the wall and then left my home. When I confronted her about it she said she mistook my closet for the bathroom. But she never apologized or offered to fix it. She investigated some of my exes and sent their pics to her daughters and asked them to compare her to them. I asked her in the middle of an argument to break the cycle of the argument, “How can I pray for you today?” Her answer was, “What? You don’t pray for me every day?” I once asked her to tell me more about her daily life with her girls and how she makes that all work, and her response was “I’m not going through it all again. I’ve told you before. Can’t you create a spreadsheet for their schedules?” She admitted deceiving her second husband into having a second child with intentions to divorce him – she said. But then she had an affair and I suppose he divorced her first. I had coffee shops bookmarked on my Yelp page so I can try them out because I am a reader and like to sit and read and drink coffee on weekends.
She saw my bookmarks and because of this called me a deceitful bastard and she would never take me back. She has added me as a family member on Amazon for Prime. When we fight she removes me. She has a board on her Pinterest pages that say,”Loving [my name]” and when we fight she takes them down. And it’s a vicious cycle of putting them back up and taking them down. I can go on and on about the numbers of ridiculous things that happen. Everything I read indicates extreme narcissism. My question to you and this forum from a woman’s perspective is – what is this relationship? She has never once complained to me about any of my behavior or actions. The only arguments we’ve had which seem to be weekly is in regard to her behavior. I’ve said all of this and much much more to her and I’ve told her repeatedly how she treats me and she comes back and says things like, “Why don’t you just love me?” or “I still love you.” I have not even held back on my words to her knowing that I’ve never said the things I’ve said to another human being first, to determine if she even has a pulse as to the horrible things I’ve said and second, because I thought if I said the worst of the worst things to her that she would know its over. Yet afterwards, I will still get, “I still love you.” What is this nonsense? To me she is the most beautiful woman in the world and she is my perfection.
Relationally she seems to be the worst. Not just with me, with her exes, four marriages, and her second oldest daughter even punched her and now they are in counseling. By the way, the oldest daughter and her have also been to counseling. The only two people in her life that haven’t gone to counseling with her are the 3 and 4 yr old who don’t know any better yet. Any advice, truth and honesty you give would be well appreciated. Thank you!
You need to walk away from this controlling and very insecure woman. She has issues only she can sort. You don't need to go down to her level every time you argue and you'll never win an argument or even get the chance to negotiate with her. You mention extreme narcissism but you need to look at the alcohol as well and her actions towards you and your property after she's been drinking.
Ask yourself if that's love and respect talking and then ask yourself what you expect from a successful relationship. This woman has kicked your front door in and come into your life because you allowed her to. All you need to do now is shut her out completely.