Crappy friend or crappy person
Recently, my friends and I got into a fight. Their names are T and H and this fight literally started because I couldn't attend a football game as my mother did not like the person who was giving me a ride and said no. When I told them I couldn't go, they freaked out and said I was bailing like I always do and that I was making excuses. Mainly I had a conversation with H, who told me I was being a crappy friend for lying, which I really wasn't and I don't know why she would assume that. T and I sometimes fight, but H and I are always laughing and have never fought despite being friends for a long time. I mentioned to her that she never invites me to most things anyway so I don't know why she was freaking out, and I always end up only finding out H and T, despite being my best friends, have hung out over social media and if I bring it up I get screamed at by T for being a "brat" and they claim that never happens, even thought it happens every weekend. Anyways, during this argument H told me that I was never invited to hang out with her and T because of the conflict I have with T, which I never knew existed, but apparently she's "didn't want to deal with it." After this, I sent T a message and asked what I did to start a conflict with her and went to bed, sad and feeling like crap. The next day, I woke up to a huge response that T sent about me ditching and about my lack of showing up to school pretty often. T knows that I have depression and I've tried to talk to her about it but she has always blown me off and has said "get over it and you'll be happy." Anyways, H and T have basically cut me off from everything and blocked me for not going to a football game and won't even speak to me at school.
It's not like I don't have other friends, but they're also friends with them so I don't even feel comfortable going to school anymore but I'm in AP classes and missing one day feels like a week. I don't really know what I did wrong, but H had posted something on her private Instagram account that she had blocked me from (a friend had sent it to me) that read: "Advice: I'm stuck in a toxic friendship that I know isn't healthy for me. It's hard to let go, especially because we're mostly just laughing all the time, but it makes me feel awful and I don't know if I should give it another chance." obviously, it was posted the same day we got in a fight and she blocked me right before posting it. I have absolutely no idea what I have done to her to be a toxic friend and I feel like complete shit. I've woken up everyday crying and went to bed every night crying and begging my parents to let me stay home. I feel completely isolated and I don't know what to do in this situation, I don't feel like I did anything wrong but I feel like a completely shitty person and I contemplate if I should just kill myself lately.
School can be an adventure! Instead of bears and lions, you have teachers and classmates! Good news, it did sound like your friends sincerely wanted you to go to the football game. And they sounded very disappointed you couldn’t make it to the game or even some other activities. You and H have been friends for awhile and both of you have admitted having fun and laughing together. Please don’t give up on your friendships, just be yourself and you may have your friends laughing again.
You mentioned that your friend H doesn’t invite you to most things? And yet, they are upset because they feel you always bail? Am I understanding this correctly? This could be a communication problem, ask your friends to make a list of all the activities you’ve bailed on lately. If they can’t think of any except, the football game, then they may be trying to make you feel guilty?
Have you talked to your Mom about how important it is to participate in school activities? And in the future if you can’t find a ride, maybe your parents could give you a ride to the game? You begged your parents to let you stay home from school but that just made you feel more isolated. Does your Mom know you are suffering from depression? If you are having suicidal thoughts, it’s time to talk to your parents, they will know how to help you!
You mentioned missing classes makes you fall behind in school work, and that can add to your depression. Your friend T telling you to “just get over it” isn’t always that simple. Some types of depression like a fever may be a warning that you need medical help.
Here’s a link to call to talk to someone about your feelings of suicide.
(800) 273-8255 http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline
In this adventure of life, consider this a learning experience. The importance of friendships and trusting and respecting one another. And hopefully, with old and new friends at school there will be another football game that you can cheer on together?