Still feels like its all getting on top of me
I wrote on here a couple of months ago about my ex boyfriend who had told he didn't want to move in with me anymore, he told me the spark had gone and then left me hanging until it all came to an end. Sorry I couldn't find that thread so I had to start a new one.
Since breaking up with him, he tried to few times to get me to go back to him but I told him no each time. He then did a few stupid things like turn up to my daughters birthday party in the summer, uninvited and he's tried knocking on the front door a few times, drunk, begging me to talk to him. He soon got the message that I didn't want anything to do with him and stopped. Then not long ago he randomly informed me, via text, he was in the process of buying a house with a friend. I knew he did this to try and hurt me and it did, as that's what he and I were trying to save towards,our own family home. I was very up and down emotionally but now I know I'm better off without him but do find myself wondering where he's moving to and who he's buying a house with.
There are times where I think I'm coping really well and then something happens, which feels like a big set back and I'm just kidding myself.
. I've had to move back home with my parents, my old landlord wanted his house back. This hurt my pride a bit as I've always been very independent but at the time there was no other option and I had to get realistic about money as I was nearly broke at the end of every month, which I was ignoring. My parents are great, they are allowing me to save money and my only contribution is that I have to buy food for me and my daughter. I try to help out more by working overtime so I can give them some rent money. The only issue is their house isn't big enough for four people, me and my daughter have to share a room, which isn't ideal. My girl is at the age where she's starting to want her own privacy and I try to give it to her but at the same time I try to give my parents privacy too by not sitting and watching TV with them every evening. There is a third bedroom, which is my dads office, I have asked if we could put a single bed in there for me to sleep on and maybe a tv, but he said no. I know it was cheeky to ask was try to think of a way to give everyone more privacy. As much as I love my parents I'm hoping this is only temporary stay but everywhere is so expensive. I feel like I've have taken a huge step back not forward and that I'm never going to be able to move out again.
. My daughters behaviour has changed to the point where I'm worried about her, I'm beginning to think she might need some help. She's eight, always been a good girl, her behaviour is slowly going the other way. I know why, she's going through a lot of change at the moment and she's very unsettled. She adored my ex and I'll be kind and say he was very good with her. I know she finds it hard not seeing him, she keeps asking why we broke up, when is she going to see him, can she speak to him on the phone. Its been couple months now and she hasn't stopped asking. I have sat her down and explained briefly what happened but not in full detail as I don't think she needs to know everything. She either gets angry with me or cries, both really hard to listen and I'm running out of different explanations to say to her without it being too Indepth. I hope this won't be long lasting.
On top of this her dad's girlfriend is pregnant and he has recently moved from his parents house into her house. The girlfriend has a son, there is another bedroom but that's for the baby so my daughter ends up back at his parents/ her grandparents house where she does have her own room but her grandparents not the most engaging people and I get the feeling she's bored, lonely and feels really left out. I so want to change this for her, her dad and I have a good relationship but I know he will get very defensive if I tackle him on this.
There are have been issues at school with the first two week of her going going back. I have been called in to speak to her teacher a couple of times because of her noticeable change in behaviour. I've been told shes gone from being star pupil to the class clown, by acting very silly. Her dad and I, together have talked to her about this but I think it goes in one ear and out the other. This was followed up with her being continuously rude to me and couple of days ago and threw a huge tantrum, which was unaceptable for an eight year old. I told her off a lot more firmly then I would normally and sent her to 'our' room. My mum who witnessed this, came down on me like a ton of bricks and told me I was being too hard on her, she then completely undermined me by going to comfort my daughter, she's done this before if I've told my daughter off and it drives me crazy, I was so angry I left the house. This is where I feel like I'm kidding my self, that I'm still messed up from the break up and I'm a hopeless mother/daughter/person.
Lastly I have met someone new. To start with, it was far too soon for me, I met him only a few weeks after the break up, I have been honest with him, he knows why. Hes remained patient and not too pushy but found sutble little ways to show that hes keen and slowly things developed and got more serious. I really like him, he's so different to ex, looks and personality wise, he has ambition and an admireable job and ticks all the boxes in my opinion. There's part of me that is scared of getting hurt again and I don't want to lead him on either but Im starting happy again. But there is guilt and I think I need to get my daughter settled and happier before me. If she knew I don't know this will be too much for her. I would like to introduce him to my parents at the very least but I feel uncomfortable.
Thanks for reading.
First things first: housing.
If "everything is so expensive" then move where they aren't. It's really important that you get a safe home where you and daughter have space and privacy. I'm sure your parents want their home back too. Set yourself a schedule, and stick to it fir getting your own place.
Second: daughter's behavior. She's expressing some normal reactions for being under stress. Use the school's counseling services or get a referral for free help. She needs a professional to talk to.
Third: alcoholic ex. Of course he is putting his new house in your face. That's what alcoholics do - manipulate others. He's a child showing you his new toy, so you will want to be with him. Don't fall for that. Be sure to tell your daughter that you are no longer together because he did not respect you and that he has a drinking problem.
Fourth: new relationship. See one, two, and three. I know you are lonely, but you've got things to do. Stay in the friend zone and don't bring your daughter into this relationship.
As a former single mother of three (!) I know how difficult sll this is. Time to develop and reveal the competent, independent woman under all that past chaos. Goid luck!
You do such a great job at describing your complex situation in a way that is helpful in understanding the very practical and emotional aspects of what you are experiencing. These matters are challenging to your mind and heart as you sort out what is best for yourself and the others you care about, particularly your daughter.
Clearly, pages of advice on the many aspects of your situation might be offered which could be useful to you. Not sure where to start. Are you seeking any particular advice? Your closing remark suggests you really appreciate someone you can turn to for listening and reassurance. Had you considered professional counseling with the emphasis on wellness to help you with perspective, coping with the stresses, and problem solving?
This is a time when resources are needed to fortify yourself and to address the challenges of your interconnected situations. It is understandable that you can have some discouraging moments and self-doubt as there is so much to deal with. You show sensitivity to the needs of others and are focused on doing the right thing by everybody.
Do you have a faith reference or community? Maybe something to consider if you don’t. Churches can be a resource for support in several areas, offer a sense of belonging, and a way of learning about Jesus who invites us to talk to Him about whatever troubles us...anything…He wants to hear it all and be with us in our life dramas!
Will be thinking and praying for you…don’t keep us in suspense too long.