He's come back and I have no idea what to do!
DEEPLYINLOVE - Oct 3 2017 at 01:58
In 2015 I began uni and met this guy that I fell hard and fast for. I thought things were going well between us and then something happened, I have no idea what happened but whatever it was it made it seem like he hated me and therefore we lost all contact with each other after he told me to basically never speak to him again. I would see him from time to time on campus, followed by extreme breakdowns then and there. I felt stupid for feeling that way about a guy I had only really just met and knew little about but this was my first "love at first sight" experience. I had never felt this way about someone. The depression started, affected my grades, affected my friendships. Over a year later I felt things were getting better and I could move on from it, I had my friends back, I was getting my life back (with the occasional sight of him and then followed by a breakdown). I thought I was over him.
Then almost two weeks ago I get a friend request from him on Facebook. Completely out of the blue, no "hello, how are you", just a friend request and silence. Seeing that made everything come back up, everything I was hiding, everything I had locked away. Was it a joke? Was he doing it to spy for someone? I started to get paranoid. But I accepted anyway. There's no way I could have not.
So now I just have no idea what do to. I'm too scared to start talking to him because I don't want to get my hopes up and to be let down again and to then fall into another depression just as I'm finishing my degree.. right now I'm holding onto hope that he messages me and I can hold myself together enough to message back without bringing up the past.. there's so much I want to know yet don't want to know. I just don't want to be hurt like that again..
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Have advise on what I should do?
(Yes. In fact, I'd say that was pretty guaranteed!)
He's a player. He knew what buttons to push, in what order, super-rapidly, hence you "fell hard and fast". (Be honest: he didn't so much sweep you off your feet as KNOCK you off them!) But you didn't know, so he didn't fall with you. Just you. According to plan.
The mystery mantrum: He had been working on another woman behind your back, suddenly it took off and held more promise (define 'held more promise' - usually 'better doormat'). And she was pressuring and ultimatuming him ("You've got 24 hours!"). He needed a reason to start a big fight in order to dump you to concentrate properly on her, but (you being so well behaved and squeaky-clean!) couldn't find one or even think one plausible one up! So in the absence of anything, he scraped the barrel with the one called, About Utterly Nothing (But My Secretly Being A Creep).
You weren't aware of her. She wouldn't have been aware of you.
Now he and she are over. Well, not quite. She's become less of an unconditional fawner (daring to start to voice whatever complaints at his behaviour). Or he's just bored of her (same thing). So, behind her back (poor thing), he's pulling other lilypads towards him, in case he has to jump or gets pushed off of hers. He doesn't want to have to get in the water (singledom...self-reflection time) and swim towards the next lilypad like us Healthies who like our own company and have a life outside of the Love one do.
So he's just positioned you for 'in case'. Using you, in other words. (Sorry..but then he always was.) Because it's a win/win for him, what with the fact he'll be WHOOPS! letting her notice/find out and start [wait for it] unconditionally fawning over him all over again in order to avoid Scary Loss & Rejection or - if you bite in any way/shape/form (your action being more the point than your words) and do so desperately and fawningly enough, better than her - THEN he'll jump over to you. (Oh, great, pff.) And meanwhile, he'll leave *her* in the heartbroken dark, like he did you (I suspect it's his M.O.).
This pattern plus out-of-the-Blue reappearance after Far Too Long than a man in-love could stand, is called Narcissistic Hoovering (go Google and see if you recognise him). Doesn't necessarily mean he's NPD, just that he's using a strategy they use, as just your regular type of s**thead.
So this probably explains why the non-befittingly VAGUE signal where, in actual fact, a MESSAGE would have been the appropriate thing, including making reference to and apologising for having treated you so heinously back then. In fact, ACTUAL PHONECALL...in which case, with all channels available (bar visual), you'd KNOW OR SENSE what he wanted and why and whether you should or shouldn't - WHICH IS PRECISELY WHY HE'S AVOIDING USING IT (THINK ABOUT IT!).
This way, she's got no crime and evidence to point out ("whaat, we're just old friends!"), and you've got no proof of his guilt to present, either, if you had a mind to (repeat "whaat" phrase).
Answer: shouldn't. The oo-er-yes-no-oo-er content of your thread is evidence-in-motion that you're not ready yet for, as "m'colleague" put it, The Lion's Den AND THIS TIME WILL GET RIPPED TO PIECES. And for what? Being treated like a tool again?...in both senses?
You dodged a bullet before. Be a shame to lose all that progress and fall back down the well even deeper, just because you could do with another month or so to get to where you cease feeling a thing for him (bar EW!). How he got you "so hard and fast" is called Traumatic Bonding and is equally as too-full-on in reverse (grieving)...thus it can be tempting to make it all stop. It wouldn't stop, bar for the first month until he felt safe again.
But you're obviously just about there hence came here out of basically NOT being sure you should say or want to say anything and wishing you hadn't accepted the request in the first place.
PS: Genuine Romantic Love doesn't feel like that. It's calm-but-exciting (the journey itself), secure, snug, happy and not even regular, REAL arguments OVER REAL STUFF affect that.
Oh, and - le piece de resistance - a man that genuinely loves you considers your feelings and avoids hurting them if he can at all help it, whereas NOTHING about what he did would have failed to have hurt you or any woman, and even Forrest Gump knows that-CASE-CLOSED!
Sorry - forgot the what to do bit: Delete "Friend" [post-production team, remove R, please]. For starters, he was the one issued the invitation. You imagine, someone invites you over to their house but just sits staring at you hour upon hour from the opposite sofa, saying nothing at all? (CALL MATRON AND DR. PHIL LOBOTOMI!!!)
Say nothing before deleting. That way, as an added bonus, you'll be doing to him the exact ether equivalent of what he did to you (ta-daa!). BUT LEAVE IT THERE. Because it'll fire him up.
Leave him forevermore fired up...two for the price of one. :-) And don't worry about him. He *literally* asked for it.
Oh yes, and you are not alone! Remember: they don’t call this “falling” in love for no reason. And it does sounds like you hit rock bottom pretty hard. Many of us still remember the heart wounds, of a first love. I would simply caution you not to jump into any relationship heart first. You asked for advise, right?
You mentioned diving into this relationship pretty quickly, use this heartbreak and learn from those warning signs. Don’t leap in any new relationship until you look both ways. Ask around, check him out on Facebook, make sure he isn’t just a “player”? Do red flags go up concerning how he let you go the first time. Did he stop talking to you cold turkey? Why did you feel he hated you?
If this was reverse how would you handle a break up, if you knew it could no longer work out? Would you be concerned for his feelings, and if you knew he was falling for you pretty fast, would you remain friends, but slowly part ways?
Closing thought: take it slow and protect your heart, it’s the only one you have. If you would like information protecting your heart in the future, copy/paste link below: