Very down, alone and not sure what to do
CHLOE G - Oct 3 2017 at 15:19
I have been with my partner a few years. When we first met he was an active alcoholic with an eating disorder.I supported him and got him help resulting in him going into rehab for over six months. It was a very difficult and stressful time to say the least. Then when he came out, he was difficult emotionally and now his eating disorder is a huge issue, as is his spending money. He has been married and has 2 children who he doesn't bother with as he says he has no time and wants to do his things. Whilst a part of him is very nice another is exceptionally selfish where everything is on his terms, which inlcudes when he will and wont make time for me.Often he will say, dont come around as I need to do this that or the other. Or he needs to spread out on his own in his bed and watch sport or whatever. To be honest I've just let this slide, but recently, Ive been feeling like its maybe time to leave as I feel nothing will change and in reality there is no relationship in the true and normal sense. He has a group of people around him ( including his family) who enable his behaviours and who are like a fan club to him,always telling him how great and super he is, whilst showing no respect or interest to me at all. For example, I will get no thankyou for birthday presenst of family, never any messages to ask how I am. I try to not take it personally, as they were like that with his past partners. None of the family bother with his children either and there is a recurring theme with these people that paints him as the victim and all the partners as horrible users or abusers. When he was drinking, he had a habit of messaging other girls on social media,and in particular when his relationships end,he usually has another lined up right away. He is exceptionally charming to other people and this at times leaves me feeling alone. He also has social status due to his career and again, has people telling him constantly how great he is.In all this, I have reached out to an ex partner, but now I am very confused. Whilst I am almost certain, nothing will change I am struggling to leave him totally and even unsure if I am doing the correct thing, even though I feel nothing will change.
He will ofetn say he has no money to go away for a weekend, but then the following week, will have purchased an expensive coat or something.
He knows recently Ive been unwell and down with things and suspects, I want to leave him. He has been bothered on one level and not on another and has arranged a couple fo weekens away for himself. He will usually say all the right things and make promises, but his behaviour is often at odds with his words. His eating disorder is a big deal and he wont get help and abuses laxatives, which is difficult to be around. He is very good at conning people as well and whatever happens, one of my fears is I am being set up to be another horrible person that has 'used' him and in our small community, that upsets me. He is already talking to people in his work, his family and friends and to eb expected they just say, its all about him. One of his friends broke my confidentiality and told him something id shared 2.5 years ago. They are a therapist and I was worried. I felt hurt by that to be honest. Any support would be welcome as im in such a fog, I dont know what to do for the best.
(Yup! And nicely put, that last line! :-D ...although, that's why he buys the laxitives, innit.)
Aaaaaaaaand another one! NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I mean. Your (er) LOVE...(er) -ER.
Chant No. 1: So he loves me. But WHAT loves me?!
Immature aka Kid In Grown-Up Suit + Romantic Con Merchant (the Mis-sell via the fake sales pitch)
Irresponsible + Never His Fault + Bad With Money/Spendthrift (so you end up having to support?)
Take-take-takes, gives only what will help achieve aim(s)
Not wired or re-wired to love, bar superficially, as in, "I love ice-cream"
Drain-drain-drains (financially and emotionally and psychologically), never replenishes
Coerce-coerces, Persuade-persuade-persuades (you, his enablers and his fan-club known as Flying Monkeys)
Gross Hypocrisy (you must be available for me ...but I don't, the rules are for you alone)
Sweet Vs Mean Cycle aka Cycle Of Abuse (aka "Too Good to Leave/Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshembaum - read it)
Total Resistance to Change (again, missing the wiring anyway)
Total Refusal to Acknowledge the Need for Change! (ditto)
Infidelity (under whatever excuse for the other excuse of Lack of Control At The Time)
Lilypad-Leaping (they cannot-cannot-CANNOT be alone and/or single OR THE TRUTH COMES KNOCKING AND HE CAN'T HAVE THAT)
Public Image/Private Face: Mr Wonderful in public..but (er) not so much behind closed doors, the two of you alone (bar maybe any kids or No. 1 Flying Monkey)
Deliberately making you jealous (telling you or leaving evidence around)...and then, I'll bet, accusing you of the very feelings HE HAS JUST DELIBERATELY PROVOKED. It's called Gaslighting.
......I could go on. And onandonandon.
Wait - what about Isolation? Has he somehow managed to lose you all your own friends and supporters yet?
What about 'discussions' that he above- or under-the-table creates and then stokes instantly into giant arguments wherein your original complaint or request-to-address ends up never actually addressed or even touched on (as he changes topic, projects, counter-accuses, verbally assaults and insults, intimidates, threatens you or the relationship) quite possibly followed by The Silent Treatment for hours or days or weeks?
Do you find yourself dripping in sweat after a "discussion"?
The Con: imagine if he'd let you see this inter-relational impossibility stuff and true past history during Honeymoon. There you go, then. He'd live his life partn- sorry, host-less. So they mirror: "Me too!", etc., including far more subtly than that. You end up thinking he's your counterpart. ...As they create Insta-Intimacy (as explains why you felt it your job to support him like he were already your husband of 10 years).
Basically....yet another Spoiled baby, Jekyll & Hyde, mind-f***ing, chocolate teapot parasite. Sorry - RICEPAPER teapot.
So you want to pour a cup of tea, do you? How's it going so far? ;-) It's not funny at all, though, is it. In fact, it's a recurring nightmare. When you're in it.
Do you know why his fan-club so isn't YOURS? He's been Triangulating...making YOU out to be the mean and cruel one - just after an unresolved fight or in anticipation of you leaving him. It's pre-emptive, to prevent all eyes being on him should you actually ditch (and then start blabbing)... the abusive one to his poor wickle innocent baby, 'you big bully, you!'. (I'm quite impressed you're at least getting conduct civility off of them, though!) And that's why they were like it with all his past partners. Because he did this with them, too. And he'll do it to ALL HIS FUTURE PARTNERS. It's what they do...do...do...do...at 80 years of age, he'll still be lilypad leaping and demonizing/slandering again, trust me on that....Groundhog Day (another expert moniker). This 'behind your back' slanderous, projectionist spin comes under Triangulation and Isolation (and Gaslighting, because you're unaware of it going on...it's explained below).
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (aka Angry (incl. Passively and/or -Aggressively) & Controlling Men (and some Women) - go Google or YouTube or buy the book of the same name by top (in my opinion, THE top) expert, Lundy Bancroft (and buckle-up with a pack of Kleenex would be my warning).
Ricepaper teapots. Without lots of spout but no handle (geddit?) (sorry, just trying to make you smile).
His drinking is an excuse. It allows him to WHOOPSH-hur-hur-hur, ISS CUZ I'M DJRUNK, SSSHE'LL FORGIVE ME, SHALWAYS DUZSH, SHE'S SHO SHTUPIDJ...
Oh, aye! He thinks you - host to his greedy, bottomless pit parasite - are a fool for believing him, whom thereby (call Matron) deserves everything she gets (i.e. he dishes...including the diarrhea-spatters all in your toilet).
I'll bet his eating disorder's expensive 'n all - right? Finances suffering yet? Yours, I mean?
The reason you're addicted to him- That's wrong. During Honeymoon- sorry, MEGA-Honeymoon (a*se-licking leech, anyone?), he psychologically and emotionally (they're *virtuoso* manipulators and (non-working) actors) got you addicted to his Fake Persona (Mr Wonderful..-if-disadvantaged, mew-mew). Any time you start to lose the Rose-Tinteds thus start to spot or work out the seriously damaged fake individual just beneath, he senses it (predator's senses) and Love Bombs you again with Rosy or Good behaviour for a burst so that you won't/can't dump. That way, you CEASE (for a while at least, as paralyses you again) scratching your head while asking 'WHICH PERSON IS REALLY, TRULY THE REAL ONE?' because Jekyll is juuuuuust a smidgen of a percentage higher than Hyde. (In fact, that's an illusion because it's just how weighty it feels AT THAT POST-'MR HYDE' POINT). Should mention - J&H can be mild into violent (verbal/physical) or into neglect or a nightmare pick 'n mix.
He's demonized his kids as well. It's probably more that they don't want to see HIM. Hence he'll paint them or their mum the problem...so no-one (save you, whom he's begun allowing to see under the mask since you're losing your Primary Narcissistic Supply status the more your Rose-Tinteds come off) knows the problems in his relationshipS are (and this is where the 50/50 relationship rule ceases to exist, since nothing is 50/50 with a Cluster B, type 'Benign' or Malignant, least of all Responsibility) - down to him (him-him).
Few years = 2-4? And your Rose Tinted glasses are already hanging by only one ear?  GIANT KUDOS, OH CLEAR-SEEING ONE! :-) (You must have had huge eyes to begin with, non-Grandma!)  This is a rare opportunity to escape, I repeat, this is a [insert Klaxon] RARE!!!! opportunity to escape relatively unscathed or recoverable. Or else - since it only ever gets worse, fact - face another FIVE in Guantanamo Manipulationship Bay. Don't adjust your set. That's right... Mr Bean's love-child is only cute when still a novelty!
News for you: if he's letting you see behind the mask and starting to suddenly treat you badly that bit MORE than nicely 'n sweetly AND has everyone hating "abusive you", he's planning or mid-executing his lilypad leap as we speak. That means, yes, cheating on you...probably with more than one...or warming them up/back up. Because you're not his 24/7 No. 1 Fan any more (how verray dare you).
Oh, and start secretly taping him, especially discussions aka arguments. And keeping a daily diary- well, here will do, actually (if you're careful). I don't doubt he badmouths his fan-club to *you* whenever they're not around, yes? Regardless, you'll thereby have proof (including, of action) re you being his victim rather than other way round.
Back to your original question of whether you're doing the right th-GOD, YES!!!!!!! 'It Never Gets Better' - Every Victim/Target/Survivor That Ever Lived.
Now have a little wander around all the Relationships threads. You'll see your boy (yes) friend (NOOO, he hates all people and women especially) has many-many bodies! And then report back.
AFTERWARDS DELETE US FROM YOUR BROWSING HISTORY AND AFTER EVERY VISIT.
*Alternatively*, seek a therapist (private, confidential, to-order... PS: that other therapist wasn't your therapist - diff/all the diff, albeit still not professional).
And hum this...
You are not alone ("HEE-hee!")
We/the therapist are here/there with you ("Sha-mon!")
Though we're far away [not!]
Etc. (which is code for, I don't recall the next line, LOL).
It's very common, is what I'm trying to tell you. (Heck, if ONLY you were alone!)
Lastly, I do understand and appreciate completely your need to find a way to dump without ending up publicly demonized and vilified. But, in addition to the above measures mentioned, there will be a way or ways (human problem = human solution(s) available).
PS: "Or he needs to spread out on his own in his bed and watch sport or whatever."
As above list of symptoms - it's definitely "whatever".
'Starfish'. A deux.
'Watch (cough!) sport'.
PPS, forgot the disclaimer: Obviously not a diagnosis (imposs over the net) (oh, who am I pigging kidding!, but - legally), just my (sob/grr!) experienced and (ooh!/UGH!) knowledgeable, personal opinion. For my sins.