My kids think that I am a b***h (am I?)
I have a 30 year old and a 21 year old who were both living at home. My 21 year old moved out and my 30 year old somewhat moved out but was still staying here. The problem is, my husband is the only one working as I am unable to work due to a car accident I was in. So my husband is the only one who is working none stop to pay the mortgage, hydro, put food on the table, home and truck insurance for two vehicles, we have house taxes and all those other bills to pay and it's not cheap these days.
My 30 year old was leaving her computer on and running while she was asleep. But there is a big problem that I also face with my husband.. When the hydro bill goes up really high, I am the one who gets yelled and screamed at. But when i speak up and tell my kids to please be careful with the hydro because we have to pay it, they get mad at me and my husband never backs me up. I just can't seem to win. I know he wants to look like the good guy and have my kids hate me. Am I wrong for asking my kids to have respect and to not hike up our hydro and then leave my husband to pay the bill and then have him not say anything to them,but yell and scream at me? When I mentioned the hydro in a calm way, she got mad and walked out of the room. So instead of having to fight with her and have her and I not talk ,I suggested that it would be better if she left and now she is all angry and now refuses to talk to me or even understand that we are trying to survive . And for my husband to not back me up and leave it to me to mention these things and then be the good guy. What should I do? Am I wrong for asking my kids to respect our home and not to rack up our hydro and leave us to pay a high bill?
Realistically your husband should be backing you up when you speak to your kids about the household bills. Your 30 year old daughter is well past the age to be responsible enough to contribute to bills if she is still residing at home. As for your husband he needs to understand that the bills will always be there regardless of how much he yells and screams at you. There's nothing about your post which says you're being a bitch to your adult age kids, but you're being used by all of them by being placed in the middle of a no win situation.
Your kids to understand that if they live at home, it still costs them as it would if they were living elsewhere and you need to help yourself by firmly communicating this to them regardless of how they take it.
Mannalone, Thank-you for your reply. I have explained this to my children over and over again. I know I sounded like a broken record to them but they also know the consequences that I face with my husband. At one point I knew my husband wanted to make me look like the bad person , so I told him that I would no longer be the one to tell the kids to please watch the hydro, unplug things etc, but then he instantly started to yell and scream at me telling me that if the hydro goes sky high then it is all my fault. I tried to talk to him about this even today and got the same yelling and screaming act. " well I work my butt off and I have to cover the hydro that they don't care about. And I told him again. " I have told the kids so many times about the hydro and you allowed me to have he kids mad at me and give me attitude over it. Then I got told, well they don't listen to you so what make you think they will listen to me. OMG, he has always left it up to me and this is why my daughter got angry with me and hasn't talked to me in a few days and I know she won't. What is really hurting me is that both of my kids know that he has left me to talk to them about things he won't. They have heard him hundreds of times yell and scream at me. At this point I am a nervous wreck and have no where to turn. I was diagnosed with a heart condition and was told by the doctor that I can't be under any stress. I'm stressed to the max and I have no family to turn to and not many friends. I choice it that way because I don't like drama. I am alone in a room and neither of my kids will talk to me. I haven't heard from my son in a few weeks and now my daughter is doing the same thing.
I thought of all people that my daughter would be my support team but now I have been abandoned by her to.
All because my husband has in reality gave me an ultimatum. I either be the broken record or take his verbal abuse.
I'm at the point now where my life doesn't matter anymore. I feel that if I wasn't here anymore then I won't have to deal with all the pain I am living with.
I don't have a husband who cares about me or my life and now my kids knowing my heart condition have walked away mad because they know what he is like and how capable he is to take all this out on me. I am alone and I have no one to turn to.
I can't text my daughter because I know she will be really angry and more than likely she will tell me I am harassing her.
Being alone is the worst thing to deal with and today I haven't been able to eat or care to get out of bed.
I just want all this pain to stop!!!
i can help you with your problem with my with my personal life experience and the gift of counselling
THINKLESS123 I really need so help. My life is going in a down ward spiral and things have gone for the worst.. there is a lot more to this then you can imagine.
I really need someone to help, someone I can talk to, I love my kids with all my heart but it seems that I have lost my son. Due to somethings that I haven't posted just the other day i wish I could have ended it. But I couldn't do it, I could use a friend, someone I can talk to. Is there away we can talk?
I would be greatfully appreciate it and I feel alone, lost and have nowhere to turn. Thank-You for replying to me.
I am so desperate and need HELP!
Add me on face book my ID is Chika Durugo I will the simple ways to solve your problem my email is [e-mail address removed]
Rodeogirl, are you still there?
Hi Rodeogirl. Thanks for sharing. You have taken your original post to some very troubling comments. You sound hopeless, helpless and desperate. It sounds like you have or are considering suicide. With your comments you have invited us to help. So let’s start there.
If you ever have a plan to complete suicide, promise me (in writing) and all those that care enough to respond to your pain, that you will first connect with one of 3 parties who are willing to help. You mentioned you do not have many friends you can trust so I will give you some possible resources. These are most likely agencies that regularly deal with suicidal ideations (1-800-273 TALK or 8255 and 1-800-hopeless or 784-2433). Your physician and your church are other good resources. Whomever you ask to be a part of your safe plan, they need to be available 24/7 and know that they will have to disable any plan you may have of suicide. This will require staying with you until the ideations pass and together you can be referred to professional help. You can also connect with http://www.afsp.org
(American Foundation for Suicide Prevention). There is also a Canadian connection, CASP (Canadian Association for Suicide prevention) which can be reached at 780-482-0198 or http://www.suicideprevention.ca/.
Besides the 3 contacts you make, you must also promise to stay away from alcohol and drugs during times of desperation.
I would love to continue this conversation with you, but I first need to know you are safe. Next we can explore your domestic options.
I'd like to add a resource:
Please read 'Living With The Dominator' by Pat Craven (available online, not expensive, quick and easy to read, no denying, no arguing with it, pure genius (and takes the p*ss out of the dominator nicely thus takes all the power and a heck of a lot of pain out of how he makes you feel). He is definitely abusive (child in grown-up suit). You'll find him (AND his script and tactics) in there. Including how he's eroded your children's respect for you and your authority, making you "Bad Cop" but without any efficacy.
On from that, read 'Why Does He Do That' (bit sexist, a small portion of women are abusers too) '...Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft. He includes how to start repairing your relationship with your kids.
Keep talking and sharing if you want and need to, don't be shy. Bullies rely on your silence and then your inertia.
Your situation sounds pretty desperate, and it’s taking a toll on your mental/emotional and physical health. Your determination to hold things together in the family and bring about some harmony is admirable and shows your dedication, but meeting the utmost resistance. The lack of cooperation and support, intense blame, disrespect, anger, and unwillingness to make change and improvement are clear signs that the family is not functioning in a healthy manner. In his own way, your husband is also shouldering a tremendous amount of responsibility to pay the bills and hold things together. Can’t help but wonder if his intense anger toward you is not just about the bills, but maybe his resentment that you are not working due to your condition. You have to realize that YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO FIX ALL THIS ON YOUR OWN, and it’s not going to happen overnight!
Time to take a deep breath, step back, and consider your options and priorities before this gets any worse. You have to start thinking of self- care, which is not the same as being selfish, given your emotional and physical state at this time. What do you need to do to replenish and rejuvenate yourself?
Your effort to reach out for friends and support is totally understandable. I would also recommend professional help for yourself and /or your marriage. You might benefit from an objective party who could provide support and help you with resources and strategies to survive and to influence changing some of the relationship patterns you described. As much as you and husband are presently at odds over this situation, it is pretty important that the two of you first find a way to get on the same page, reaffirm the strengths/goals that unite you, not the issues that divide. I believe that from that base of unity and support, you are more likely to come up with effective ways to reconnect with your adult children. Your modeling of respect for each other will be a model of respect for them.
Do you have any spiritual references? From what is in front of you day after day, this may seem really remote and irrelevant, but knowing Jesus can make a world of difference. He invites us to cast our burdens on Him. He is Comfort in a time of trouble, a faithful Friend, source of Peace, Love, offers the power to Forgive.
You are courageous in reaching out. I will be thinking about and praying for you.