I'm so miserable and it's pathetic.. Advice on how to move on??
I'll first tell you a bit of a story if you don't mind, so you can better understand why I am such a loser.
So I met this guy, happened bout 5 year ago now. I never really believed in love at first sight, that's for the movies right? But this was definitely something like that, and once we started seeing each other I fell so hard so quickly... But something was wrong, he was always busy, unavailable and slow to respond to any form of communication.
I find out he's actually married about 8 months into our relationship, and although devastated I couldn't end it. I was so in love, Nd continued to picture a happy ever after with this guy.. We continued the relationship and he talked about leaving his wife. I guess I wanted to believe him and eventually he did and we move in together. Everything was so great for a while, until out of the blue I get home from work to find none of his things in my house, he just left without a word . I panicked and cried for days until he called me an arranged to meet up.. Of course o jumped at the chance even after the mess he'd put me through, but he stood me up again.
We eventually got back together for a while, and things were great in my opinion. BUT I discovered e wa still invoke with his ex wife and being intimate with every woman who said yes!! I came home one day to a towel covered in dark eyeshadow and foundation - he still lied to my face to try and keep me around!!
I went back again and again and again and again... One day he tells me he's moved more than 15 hours away and didn't even try to see me to say goodbye or anything - we had still been seeing each other when he did this!!!! I was and perhaps still am so depressed about it all. I miss him so much
Like I said that was 5 years ago and I'm so pathetic I still respond to his sporadic text messages and cling to the hope he will call me and say "I'm an idiot, I've loved you all along"... I literally think about him 10 times a day and am so miserable without him... I feel this way knowing he's never going to change his lying cheating manipulative ways and that he never really loved me... What is wrong with me?? Please help
I’m going to be straight with you.
You are worth so much more than being someone's leftovers. You deserve a future of real love with someone who is faithful, honest and willing to die to protect your well being. You put 5 years into this rollercoaster of a relationship. The highs gave you some false hope and hitting the bottom feels more like a crash.
But, with this two-timer he lifts you up with a little encouragement and you take the bait and allow him to hook you in. If there was ever a chance of marriage, how long would he even stay faithful? And after he gets what he wants he leaves you with a bigger hole in your heart. How long are you willing to be used and abused? Can your life move on... if you’re not willing to let him go?
You are loved! And even though I am a stranger, I want you to find real happiness starting with respecting yourself. With faith in God there are new mercies every morning, and a new beginning right around the corner. Please don’t blindly fall into this same trap over and over again. Get out now before it gets worse or before another 5 years passes you by!
Here’s a link below to guide you through one day at a time...
Hi, forgive my english since i havent prcticed it in a bit. I just entered this site for a similar encounter though it didnt absorbed me how it seems it did to you, in my case (im a guy) it was a girl who seduced me and made me believe stuff she probably didnt felt and i eventually fell for her and then she just couldnt give a shit about me. after that sweet time where everything was going well (just like what you described) she called me a toxic person so i made research about it to try to change my toxic behavior, but it turned out that everything i read about the topic described her and every situation i went through with her perfectly.
This guy you know is worse than the girl i know, he is just manipulative by nature and he actually feels better when you feel worse and he wont stop, thats why he hasnt been able to stop texting you. the girl i know took some time to get me to like her so much but my guess is that we are younger so she doesnt have that much experience. probably your ex is not even that person that you fell in love with but he created that person to make you fall in love with him since toxic people can do this easily.
I havent been able to really move on either (4 months since, for me) but my advice is to stop him asap, tell him it is over and block him. if he is anything like the toxic person in my life he will try to come back and ask for forgiveness and shit, i understand if you fall for this since i did but it will only make matters worse. as you have probably heard you deserve better, you sound like a naive and a very caring person which tends to be their favorite target.
For me it was hard so i wont tell you to do something dramatic since you prabably wont be able to do it. try taking baby steps and keep making distance between you two, during your interactions (i hope they are a few to none) try to keep your emotions out of it and you will start to see a negative pattern in the way he does things and the way he practically wants to drain you. your goal is to take him out of your life completely and i know how hard it can be but i can assure you it is for the best. in my case she killed all my social life in the process (long story) so now ive been struggling with loneliness and its been shit but in your case you can resort to your friends, just go out with them, it doesnt matter what it is, the company will keep you alive, entertained, distracted and hopefully happy. in a matter of time you will meet a nice guy who will actually love you when he says he does and you will be able to tell the difference between both relationships and hopefully you can completely move on.
ps: try to get a closure for yourself with this guy when you end everything, i wasnt able to get one and i guess it has affected me unconsciously but at least she isnt a part of my life any more. protip: if you end up fighting depression (if he isnt in your life i doubt you will) comedy is the best medicine
based on SUSIEDQQ reply: i dont think he even tried to make the relationship work, thats just who he is and it doesnt matter how hard you try to help them they will always have something they need help with to keep you around. just shitty people what can i say. ive been going to counselling my self though it hasnt been very helpfull, i actually believe that your friends are your safest bet to get better.
based on MERCI reply: i completly agree except for the god part, i feel it doesnt belong... just my opinion though
hope my experience and my advice can help you in any way. good luck, ill love if you can keep us updated with the situation though i dont know how the site works yet lol
Amy-Less (- nice one, I got it!),
What's 'wrong with you' is: you, in my opinion, if you want to put a label on it, got embroiled with a Narcissist (Narcissistic Personality Disordered, type Malignant) (non-malignants are overly self-centred, etc., but friendship-capable and 're-trainable') and never got your closure. You're 'trying' to kid yourself that you still have feelings for someone who *knowingly and deliberately and gleefully* mistreated you so horribly for so long, simply so as not to lose your motivation to basically play detective and pursue answers...for which you need to encourage him close again...think about it. How are you going to do that without hating yourself (for laying your emotional welfare back on his alter for another onslaught) unless you pre-forgive yourself by telling yourself it's because you can't help it because you still love him?
You don't still love him, you're [a] angry as uck and [b] addicted (because he pressed all the right buttons while you were floating on Cloud 9). Oh, and [c] insufficiently shockable by bad behaviour thanks to having had your 'I'm Shocked!' nerves numbed via over-use, courtesy of [fill in person/persons name/s from past or childhood].
You'll never get answers thus closure from the Malignant NPD because deliberately withholding it from you gives them a thrill, as does knowing or believing you can't get over him/her. And while you're trying, you're not succeeding yet they're meanwhile getting to heap a whole load MORE stress, upset and ego & self-esteem attacks on you! But you can from doing enough research about the Narcissist in a romantic relationship. No matter (if they're Covert as opposed to Overt) how perfectly acceptably they choose to conduct themselves in whatever other arenas (work, general social) they make NIGHTMARE romantic and/or one-on-one partners. Prepare to end up with this feeling about this (er) ex: "Woah, WHAAAAT?, uuurgh, yuck!" and "PHEW, THANK GOD I DIDN'T MARRY HIM AND AREN'T STILL SHARING A HOME WITH HIM/IT!!!".
But know this: being still hung-up on the NPD relationship at 5 year point, although slow-going (you've been impeded by never having blocked him/gone Cold Turkey), is (sadly but sensibly) not abnormal. It's simply a reflection of how huge your heart is thus the incredible depth of love you invested/how deeply and loyally you attached *plus* how enquiring your mind is (sign of intelligence). ...Think plant roots. If the soil were allowed to dry out, those roots would die, allowing you to pull the thing out with ease. He's not feeding/watering your attachment to the befitting degree but IS just keeping it from completely drying-out then dying via his few dribbles here and there. You have to block him - go what's known as No Contact (I call it ZERO, EVER AGAIN CONTACT - it's the only way, repeat, the only way with this type) to properly get over him.
Start with this link and go surfipoos from there - https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2017/05/30-kickass-affirmations-for-going-no-contact-with-an-abusive-narcissist/
- and report back if you want to explore or discuss anything with any of us. (I think it's safe to say that most people on this forum have dated one or more Malignant Narcs/Psychos/ASPDs/Narcopaths.)
PS: Know this: every relationship (which with them is a lifetime of Groundhog Day at a Barn Dance (switching partners from a secret, ignorant Harem)), these NPD *deliberately plan* to at whatever point dump you. Yep, you heard me! And in the most shocking, unhinging way possible (if possible). It's called the Idealize, Devalue, Discard relationship cycle (aka Cycle of Abuse). It's a ploy. As part of a strategy. (Sick, isn't it?) Belonging to that 'condition's' mentality. "Hit or be hit" is their secret motto. And - if not an Overt who is openly obnoxious to anyone/everyone - someone *always* has to be their secretly-behind-closed-doors emotional punching and dumping ground because not only does that person provide all the relationship and housemate perks, but by BEING their toilet, enables the "thing" to keep up with their "I'm Jesus, no really I am" persona whenever outside of closed doors. Mostly incurable (Pathological).
Basically, that he can get you up and dancing at his crumb-throwing, gives this (er) person a huge kick!
You'll be both hating him and pitying him (in that context) soon enough, don't you worry. And wondering if you must have been MAD to have seen anything in him (no, actually, it's proof you're normal and healthy to the point of hugely empathetic! :-)). Oh, and - he hasn't *loved anyone* "all along". He can't. He literally doesn't have the wiring, despite does an amazing acting job so as to kid other people (who help him kid himself) that he's not basically mildly insane. Puppeteering and a free ride are all that's open to a Narcissist (type Malignant, I should again add...which, ref that "Sur-priiise!!!" of a dumping (abandoning) proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that that's what he is). It's to cow you into never daring to complain about their oh-so-complaint-worthy behaviour and conduct so that they get to live as giant spoiled babies, you, meanwhile, constantly trampled underfoot.
Hope that helps too (as a start).