How to avoid falling out with my friend over a former friend
TONY1 - Oct 14 2017 at 21:11
I have a "friend" ive known since school called A. Hes always been know for making comments and is quite controlling. Many people dislike him. Fortunately he now lives a few hours away. My very good friend B is best pals with him and is easily swayed by A.
Long story short A always made comments to try and bring me down. About how i look, dress and what he thinks is my success. Some quite offensive and also about my partner (now wife). Hes plainly unhappy in life although makes out otherwise. Quite jealous and insecure. Ive let a lot of things go over the years some real offesive mainly to keep the peace with my good friend B.
On the run up to my recent wedding A kept making comments. Was my partner "preggers" and I was a c@@t for making him travel (a joke apparently). Not wanting to uninvite him and cause a drama I just ignored his comments. The night before i caught him telling a room full of id had x3 nose jobs (not quite true i had an op on my nose due to accident) and he was taking the p. I walked in and he tried to make it look like he was having a joke with me knowing. He then started taking the mick of my hair in front of people.
On the day itself he made really some odd comments during the day. On their own fairly innocent ppl may think. He then made some remark to my wife about the bride gets what the bride wants. In short hes vile. This has been a long time coming.
As a result ive declined attending his stag do. I am supposed to be an usher at his wedding (i didnt really involve him in mine). Neither of us want to go but not said yet. My pal B is best man to A and wont now speak to me i imagine because im not going to the stag. Its all quite childlike and A's behaviour is (in my opinion) unacceptable.
Any views on handling the situation not wanting to fall out with B?
So I have got to say this, right off the bat... You know, I can't help but kind of identify with 'A'! Who here isn't a little forward, controlling, jealous and insecure? I think it's more reasonable to say most of us are.
Furthermore, I can't help but feel like these things you seem upset about A over, are really just petty things. If you are truly happy and love this woman you married, then why should A's opinions bother you so much? Everyone has a right to their own feelings, you can't just control how others feel.
Yes, perhaps A was being an ass. It's difficult to tell what brand of asshole a person was being when they said something based off of text. I guess if this guy really rubs you the wrong way, then you know you'll continue to distance yourself from him, case closed. The question then becomes, do you really want to become enemies with someone such as A? If he acts that way as friends, imagine what he must be like when you are on his bad side! Or, can you at least maintain a neutral ground for the sake of everyone's sanity?
You know, I actually have a buddy due to be married soon, and I am in a similar boat. The guy is still a decent friend so I am likely to go to his wedding, especially because he went to mine. But over the past year he has mostly been a lousy friend and has spent pretty much all of his free time with his girlfriend. When I had a girlfriend I still managed to make time for friends, but he has not. And aside from that, it is difficult being friends with a guy who spends 80%+ of every day complaining and acting like he has it worse than everyone else...when he really doesn't. He is responsible for most of his own problems. He literally spent the duration of a fun outing with friends recently being grumpy on the phone with his girlfriend, while the rest of us who were present were joking around and having a good time.
My advice? Maintain that neutral ground, at least. You don't have to be around A the entire time, but you can stay on good terms with him, and salvage your friendship with B. If you and your wife and B are all having a good time at A's wedding, then great. A will likely be preoccupied with lots of other things, and will be focused on his wife and the festivities at hand. He likely won't have a lot of time to devote to you in particular that day.
Tony, this so-called friend, A, is a nasty piece of work. Everyone does not have a right to be OFFENSIVE. But obviously doesn't show his worst side to B. That or, B feels A is somehow indispensable (at this point in time but you watch that space).
...WHATEVER. It is not your job to forgive-in-motion for this (cough!) man's lack of maturity and (obviously heaving-seething) issues. He is clearly resentful (jealous) of you...what you are, what you have, etc. Or you make a great, very convenient receptacle for whenever he's cultivated yet another little hate-hairball he needs to cough up.
You willingly play whatever roles and duties are incorporated in the Friend package when that person is - VERB - your friend. This man is not your friend, he is bitter, twisted and frankly anti-social (certainly towards you) so - not, SHOULD you go, but, WHY WOULD YOU?
Just tell B, I don't want to show my appreciation for someone who's been nothing toward me but a Grade A Ar*ehole, even on my damn wedding day of all days! That's how little he can control his problem - whatever it is! - with me! If you, at least, are truly my friend, you'd understand that perfectly and not even question why I'm loath to go.
I suspect he does understand. *I* suspect it's more about his being unable to handle Mr Charming single-handedly, i.e. IF YOU'RE NOT THERE IN A's CROSSHAIRS, GUESS WHO'S NEXT IN LINE TO GET RIDDLED WITH INSULT BULLETS, GO ON - TAKE A WILD GUESS!
Tell me again why you wouldn't want to fall out with B? You do realise that attracting new friends is as laughably simple as whether a Friend desk at Tony's Friends Inc. is actually vacant or not, I take it? If A or B have even a PEN or pad of theirs left on either of those desks, others won't approach/respond following any chat when it comes to suggesting to meet up again. That simple! So you don't need to be cautious. Only if you'd feel more comfortable 'slipping unnoticed out the back door'.
But the side-issue is this: it's *B's* job - to not be the one to fall out *WITH YOU* over this. Diff/all the diff. Understand?
A is being obnoxious. B is being semi-obnoxious and trying to manipulate you to go, rather than come clean about why he doesn't relish the thought of going unless you're going. Ber-bom. They're both too insensitive for you. But probably B is a bit desperate, pal-wise, so needs your help to maintain this (er) association.
Well, tough. You'd do the normal buddy things for him, but you would NOT effectively self-elect to be tied to the village stocks and have rotten vegetables (and rocks) thrown all day long at you.
AND GOOD FOR YOU FOR YOUR HEALTHY PRIDE AND RESOLVE!