Help! Don't know what to do
I've never done this before so it could be kinda long sorry!
My husband and I have been together now going on 5 years, married 4. In the beginning things went fast. We were just friends/coworkers for about a year, then dating for about 2 months, then moving with me and within 1 year we were married. We started off really good. He was attentive and loving. He was good with my kids and he raised his by himself. So in my book always a good quailty. Since I had kids already. He just was there for everything. He was my best friend and I love spending time with him. He made sure I knew he wanted to be with me all the time.
Sometimes too much in the beginning to where I lost all my friends. I couldn't go out without him freaking cause his ex cheated on him. And he thought I would. I had a past where my ex did the same thing so I understood but I still trusted him. I figured that once we were together for awhile that would go away. It didnt.
After years of fighting over everything little to big. I got sick of it all and said divorce. We ended up getting through it by sitting down and talking for 3 days straight. I told him my issues, he told me his. We go on to fix things. After about a month, things went back to the same as before. I tried to let a lot go to stop the fighting. I gave him basically whatever he wanted to keep peace in our family.
I bring things up every now and then and he turns it around on me. Making me seem like I am making him this way. And then sometimes he says I'll do better. Then back to the way it was a month the later. He won't help at all. With the kids, cooking, cleaning, running errands, bills etc. All he does is work, sleep, and playing on his computer. And even when he could work more to help with the stress of bills (we live pay check to pay check, barely) he wont. He makes excuses. He wont even pick up after himself. He buys whatever he wants for his "projects" and then decides he doesnt want to do them and sells them for 1/4 of what he paid. If he wants something, he basically whins until he gets it. We were behind on bills so when we got extra money I suggested we pay bills and get caught up but instead he bought a new computer cause he had to have it. We moved into a house we coukdnt afford cause he had to have it. When i buy the kids clothes or food, he gets upset cause i spend money on them instead of myself. Cause he wants to say i do it too but i dont. He is just flat out lazy. Yes, some of it is my fault because I do most of it trying to keep peace for our kids. They hate when we fight.
I work and take care of everything. I just ask to be appreciated and shown that he cares. A date night or flowers, I would settle for him to cook or clean or just ask how he could help. And if he would just stop hurting everyone feelings. Or act like he is wrong sometimes. Even picking out dinner is a fight. I say I don't care and he sits silently or complains I never pick until I do pick.
He has never bought me a single present for any holidays or anniversaries the whole time we have been together. And I buy him one for every holiday. And sometimes just cause i think he would love it.
It has gotten worse since I got injured at work and have been off for months. I'm still getting paid more than him but he acts like work is so hard. But he says his job is cake compared to mine.
He is just the negative person in our house we stay away from. He gets upset over everything. He calls the kids names and says he is joking. And makes comments like I wish you guys could take a joke. But when they hurt and he knows it, it's not a joke. The 2 older kids makes jokes that once they move out they aren't coming back because of him. His son has tried to move out with his other parent several times but he keeps coming back due to stupid teenager mistakes.
My biggest problems I have are his family is the best. I would lose them if we split up and that is heartbreaking because I don't have friends or family of my own. They are all I have.
My youngest child doesn't remember a life without her step dad and brother in her life. I'm afraid it would hurt her if they were gone.
My step son, I am the only buffer he has, he turns to me for everything. Plus, he is like my own son. I would miss him so much.
And the money is a big issue, we can't afford to live separately. I would be afraid I wouldn't be able to support my kids. He would probably move into his parents house like he had before but I don't have that option.
I work hard and I can take care of me and my kids but it's not like I get paid enough to support everything by myself.
Plus with having kids, it's hard to get them to school, go to work, and be home for dinner, bed times and homework.
So I feel stuck a lot of the time. And I feel like I deserve more but I have nothing without him. Don't get me wrong, I do love him but I can't do more years of feeling this way everyday. I feel sad all the time to what my life has become. And what he is doing to my kids
But what do I do? I try telling him but that gets me no where. So do I leave and pray for the best?
Sorry for your pain - I feel as if you are somewhat explaining what I am going through. The struggle is quite real!!!
A Little word of advice, don't overthink it. Has either of you discussed maybe seeing a Counselor or perhaps a pastor who could help you both deal with your issues at hand? I think you should try this before you make any major decisions such as divorce because you have already been there and got the t-shirt! Maybe you should ask him if you both can try this because quite frankly, I think every relationship needs a mediator to step in and help! Don't feel embarrassed because it's better to get help now rather than later.
Sit down and write down all the pros and cons of your marriage - starting with what made you fall in love with each other. Men think quite differently from us so you have to start the honeymoon phase all over again. Yes, it is worth it because you fix broken things, not just throw them away.
You say there are kids and as a mom myself, I do tend to care more about my child than my husband. Take some time to spend with each other and it does not have to be a costly affair. If someone is willing to watch the kids for you guys then spend a romantic night, rekindling your passion and trust me it's the best feeling in the world when the man you love is happy because of your efforts. I'm sorry to say this but we always need to appreciate and uphold our husbands no matter what type of people they are. Love always cuts through the anger, hurt and hatred so you need to spend more time with him. Men are weird creatures (even though they are made in the image of God) but the little things we do make them happy to tell the world we are theirs.
I am also going through quite a crisis at the moment and I am going to apply this in my marriage as well because I do love my husband and I am certain that you do as well or else you would not be here seeking advice. We are women and the struggle is quite real but when you ask God to cover your marriage and family, nothing will ever bring you down again.
All the best Xxx (A)
Thanks for your response. And to answer your questions no we haven't seen anyone about our problems. It is something I will for sure look into. I keep trying to just talk to him myself but it's almost like he doesnt hear me until I say divorce. I just a want a partner not another child. And based on the way his family and friends talk, he has been this way his whole life and it probably won't change unless something big happens.