I need help comprehending or diagnosing what this is
Hello, this is my first post here and I got here by looking up intelligable forums I could type out a current life problem on and hopefully have people respond with experiences/opinion of the matter/etc.
Well, a little backstory. Im a male, im currently 16, im employed, im a straight A student, taking classes at a college, and highschool, and im where I want to be in life right now success-wise. I dont smoke much at all, I dont like the effects drugs have on me as it wears down my senses and I hate that. However, I have one problem. I desire friendships, purely platonic frienships, but at the same time they bore me. I have no true, close male friends, and countless female friends/acquaintances. However, almost every female friend I have, I've had sex with. I've had sex with 11 different girls, and I fucking hate it. I know that sounds really odd of a teen to say, but god I hate it. I hate it because, me having sex with someone feels like the only way to get truly close to someone. Im never 100% comfortable with anybody, unless I have experience with them. Its why, out of the 10 or so people I text daily, I've dated/had a fling with 9 of them at least. I cant seem to formulate a happy, fully comfortable friendship with any body else. Its probably why I have trouble having friends that are male (im straight).
I lost my virginity about a year ago, spot on. And it was to a girl I was with for almost a year. We broke up in March of this year, and ever since then its been like this (Im not lovestruck over her, I got over her very quickly. Its not some sort of heartbreak issue) The typical 'friendship' goes, I meet someone thats a girl, we seem really good talking together, we hit it off, and then we sleep together and become good friends, and nothing more - even if I desire something further. That's probably how my past 5 partners have went.
It seems as if subconsciously, I only really enjoy talking to people whom I have the potential to get in bed with, at times. I've tried to establish good friendships, but to me it just seems as if hanging out with someone that youre comfortable enough to be literally naked around, is so much better to me? I don't know.
Over the past year, ive probably hung out with people/done something social roughly 160 times. And I guarantee, at least 150 of those times, were with someone I slept with or was talking to at the time. Its almost sad, really. I just, I dont know. I dont even desire sex that much, its just like routinely now. And I love when im able to explore someones body in an intimate way. Anywhom, if anyone needs more elaboration I will post further comments. Whoever responds, I appreciate your response negative or positive. I will be checking back periodically aha.
Do you play sports or enjoy doing anything besides sex? Hobbies, playing video games? Try talking to someone that has those same hobbies that's not a girl. Try to stay away from girls altogether might help. I know that sounds crazy but it might make you try to get male friends. Sounds like you like the chase and when it's over you just hang out as friends. But you can't exactly chase guys cause you don't want them that way. Good luck to you
I do have one particular interest, yes. Honestly I really appreciate the reply, I didnt expect such a constructive one
. And yes, you hit on a point. I like the chase, quite a bit, and it would make sense as to why I don't really feel as strongly platonically towards guys as I do girls, thanks dude! You actually summed up my feelings towards this pretty nicely. "I like the chase". That is honestly exactly why I talk to so many girls like that.
You are very welcome. I don't judge people. Especially someone in your shoes. Been there done that. The chase is fun but gets old eventually. Sounds like you might just have to find one girl to stick with so you can try to stop the pattern.
Yes, TDP, that's the What. But what about the Why and solution?
Yes, you're *supposed* to be over-focused on the chase and challenge at your age. This is the stage when you're meant to just be practising and finetuning your "Go Get Her!" skills so that when you're ready for a steady, fairly long-term relationship and The One (truthfully, ONE of The Ones), she who is your cup of tea and equally ready, walks in, you'll not fluff up or be too nervous/unsure to even seize the opportunity. But at the same time, with your mind (hormones) so hell bent on flexing your romantic muscles (after all, you've got your studies under excellent control and ticking like clockwork, giving you the freedom to think, 'Neeext!...'), you *won't* find boys/friendship as interesting, not just to hang with and CHAT to, anyway. Because you're being driven.
You have a biological agenda but it doesn't always 'do as its told' by your conscious one, the one you recognise thoughts and make decisions with. SO OFTEN you hear men thinking out-loud that the conscious/human schedule should take precedence over what ones 'inner animal' wants and thinks it's time for...sayings such as, 'But I *can't* get married yet because I haven't got my career sorted!'. Let me tell you now and make the rest of your life easier: what your inner animal wants, it gets. And if you don't give in, it'll manipulate you there. YES, we have to exert conscious control over its nasty or "too animal" side. But - you try to suppress its productive side (irrespective of society's "replacement" diktats) and you'll end up with a perpetual, background sense of discombobulation, agitation or anxiety and acting-out all over the shop.
But it's not JUST loving the chase, is it? Because you said [my caps]: "then we sleep together and become good friends, and nothing more - EVEN IF I DESIRE SOMETHING FURTHER". So that tells me that part of the time it's *the young women themselves* that don't want to go to actual Relationship stage (yet). Again, perfectly normal for your ages and stages. So maybe you have other senses of discombobulation and, without realising, are unfairly pinning the blame on your love-life or too wholly on it?
Example: Everything alright at home with your folks or brothers and sisters (if you have any...are you an only child)? Or - you're (obviously) not the run-of-the-mill type but happen to be at Run Of Mill college and therefore can't yet find a friend on your particular wavelength with whom you really, sufficiently click? Or - maybe, if you find studying an enjoyable breeze, you're simply intellectually under-stimulated in a PHYSICAL sense, from having spent too much time at a desk, sat on your behind, but now are looking around for mental-physical challenges?
I think Confused1 might have hit the nail on the head with her very first comment re. sport. But not just "sport"...something as equally intellectually challenging as physically. Ever tried skateboarding? Don't laugh, and don't ask me why I think this, but - you sound like the type who'd enjoy that. And it would leave your love-life alone and unfettered for getting on with its natural, normal programme schedule, rather than force it to be your sports arena.
Hope that helps too.
PS: I forgot to mention: sport and libido use energy from the same 'store'.
My home life? I have one sister. She's severely autistic and is very hard to have a conversation with whatsoever. My mom and I have a very distant relationship even though we live together. She pretty much does her own thing and I do mine. She doesn't care if I sleep with someone, or if my grades drop, or if I get high, and my dad committed suicide in 2011. That might be why I seek attention from others so much.
Regarding the skateboard comment, howd you know?
. I do somewhat resemble that cliche, punky kid who skateboards and rebels a lot. However, I lack so much co-ordination so skateboarding would be really hard aha. Ive had only one close male friend that I've clicked with intellectually, but I ended up setting him up with a past partner of mine (I know, thats stupid) since he never experienced anything sexual/or a relationship, and now he pretty much has ignored me for 4 months now. However, I didnt mind much.
(Sorry, TDP, not ignoring you, please bear with, I'll bust a gut to reply tomorrow.)
(Answer: cuz I'm magic.
I did want to find a window to post to you earlier while you'd still be awake (yeah, let's just pretend you're already sleepibye-byed, eh, Quentin, LOL, g'is a puff?) (but actually in all serious - start winding that down if you can, yeh?...sport is far more powerful an antidote, anyway). However...I don't have the time atop of everything else to be a daily poster. But I'll do my best!
Back to your post...
F**kadoodle, I bloody knew it! (scuse French)
You poor b*gger, byyyyy god... I am full of admiration for you, my lad. Good GRIEF, though/and - you're mentally pumped, aren't you?!...7Ft 2Ins and built like a brick sh*t house, by the sounds! Coping with all of that?!...an' that an' that 'an that? AT YOUR AGE?!? (What have they been feeding you?!
However, I expect after all of that long-running Olympian/Bafta-winning performance on multiple levels, what you and anyone in your position would MOST need is a bloody great bearhug of a never-ending cuddle and someone to carry you up the stairs, lay you on the bed and let you REST! To be able to *resign* as under-aged Superman. And get re-given the "everyday, normal" chance to say, 'Tsk...stop being nosy, mum'. And 'Ugh, muu-uu-uum? - gerrof, puttin' lipstick all over my face...'. And '...Yeah, but, just drop me at the corner, not near the house [, uncool wrinkly person], okay?'.
If it is then don't worry, it's perfectly fixable. In fact, I've got your p*ss-simple, tried 'n tested 'magic spell' in my pocket as we speak, but I just want to be sure it's the right one by taking this step by proper step.
Don't reply tonight ("godasleep!" :-p), tomorrow or Friday's fine/when you can.
PS: That wasn't 'stupid' (do WHAT, you're havin' a laff!), it was bloody genius.