This is a long rollercoaster. FYI I am a 17 year old girl. I’m really afraid people will tell me that I shouldn’t care about this bc it seems to only be a“high school love” but please don’t invalidate my emotions bc I am in high school. So, I’m basically seeking a way to blow this fog out of my head bc everything feels unclear. I fell in love with this boy. Before him, I could never date guys bc I always felt so uncomfortable. We’d hang out after school at 3 and I’d beg my mother to pick me up by 5 bc I never felt comfortable. It felt like going to a strangers house and calling him my boyfriend. I soon determined I might be gay bc of this but I still constantly questioned. My mind would always interrogate me and I was never free from figuring my identity out. I knew this boy who was new the year before. He and I knew each other but never really spoke.
One day, one year ago yesterday, we hung out with a friend of ours. Some how, I found out he liked me and I decided to give it a shot. However, I was afraid I’d feel nothing and hurt him. Something told me to jump in though and I did. It was like when we began dating I forgot about my problems with my identity. I was becoming comfortable very quickly and I started to feel connected as souls not gendered people. I felt so comfortable and connected with him within a mere two weeks that the only uncomfortable feelings were becoming sexually comfortable. I felt a connection with him that made it feel like I was ya and the world. It felt like our hearts beat at the same time and like we were on the same physical and emotional level no one else shared. I stopped caring about things like “oh but he’s a boy, how can I love a boy...or a girl. I cant love anyone really.” I was in love with him and I felt unbelievably happy and fearless. It never felt like a high school relationship. It felt like something I really wanted to fight for to keep.
Now, we hung out ALL the time. I admit, it was unhealthy. He was sick for three days and I didn’t seem him and I cried. I was indeed attached and I knew I should try to distance myself every now and then. I was so happy with this routine of hanging out everyday after school. We could just do nothing for hours and the time would go by extremely quickly. It was just easy to be with him. I know it wasn’t just physical love bc I remember driving alone and just smiling thinking of him. When we were apart I’d write him a paragraph before bed bc the passion in my heart was too difficult to contain. He was my best friend and partner and I wanted him in my life for the rest of my life. After 7 months, in June, he went to Puerto Rico for a month to see his family. I was extremely sad and my heart felt empty when he left but I hung out with my dad a lot and I was okay for the month. At the end of the month I got my licenses, a job and a car. Suddenly, or routine was to change. He came back and we were to go to Ocean city five days afternoon his return. I was very ecstatic to see him.
Then it began. While we drove, it wasn’t night and I had switched places with his mother to drive (it was a 14 hr drive). It was night and he wasn’t asleep in the backseat. I suddenly got the question in my head “what if you dont love him” I felt my heart drop and instantaneously began to deny such absurd accusations. I knew in my heart how much I loved him. It wasn’t just so sudden. The connection was so strong between us it couldn’t just break! But for the first few days I just felt distant. I felt alone like the levels we once stood on were at different heights. I tried to desperately search reprieves.
I think one mistake was i didn’t tell him i was feeling distant, just sad right away. That’s made me feel more alone in my head. After a few days, the distance went away and I was okay. But as we returned home, the feeling came back. It made me feel distant and like I couldn’t remember what being connected felt like. I battled it in my head everyday at work and would cry in his arms at night. My mind was never free from the incessant thought of feeling distant. This has gone on all the way till october. Ive thought and thought fo reasons why. I developed an anxiety that tells me unnecessary fears. Doubts id never believe in a rational state of mind.
What i feel now is awful. I sit in his room which once felt so familiar. A room id been in for a year. It feels like our past is hazy. I feel distant and when i look at him i recognize him but sometimes it feels like hes a stranger and other times its not as extreme. I know i dont want to lose him. I just want to feel normal. I love him but i feel like im not as in love with him due to not stopping this anxiety for three month. I truly believe i was lucky enough to meet my soul mate this early on and i never want to experience love with anyone but him. He is so amazing. I am very stressful and anxious. He is very rational and logicsl. He balances me out. I love his passions for stories and song. I love hid relationship with his brother. I love his eyes and their color. I love the connection we had that made me feel so comfortable and calm. I never want that with anyone else. Its been so long since ive felt normal. I just want to feel connected. I dont want to breakup. I want to fight for this.
I have felt the lowest of this depression where it felt like nothing has ever happened between us and like a connection never occured. It hurts and i heard in my head over and over “i dont love you anymore.” But despite hearing this in my head, something STILL didnt want to give up. I would regret ruining something so special and significant in my life. I just want to be better. I want to stop criticizing every day anf every emotion that runs through my head. I have so many doubts and fears that i would have never thought were rational before this.
I really dont want to lose him. Doesnt that mean something? I dont know what im asking here. For hope? Someone who feels the same? Hopefully an answer. I know with all my heart i want to experience life with him. I dont want to lose what i felt or him. How do i stop this. I cant take this pain anymore
(Any typo is bc im on my phone and idk i guess i cant type)
Yes, you are young, But, this is also a time when you are finding your own identity: You are a daughter, a classmate, a student and a best friend. Each role helps you build your character in your future. One identity for me is my identity as a Christian, a child of God’s unconditional love. He helps guide me through life as I learn from my mistakes and rejoice over my accomplishments. Are you a person of faith?
Falling in love in high school can be pretty intense, because you are learning about your new emotions. And in high school those changes happen really quickly which makes relationships feel even more complicated than ever. And then add those new emotions to a sexual desire and this bonding of two hearts together can either be premature and one sided: which is heartbreaking? Or a life long commitment and marriage in the future. So, this can be a time to learn about what you really want in a relationship. Do you want a forever friend, someone who is faithful and committed in good times and hard times?
Back to your BF: are you able to talk to him about you're feeling of insecurities? Is he noticing your anxieties and wondering what happened to the girl who he once connected with so completely? You might want to try and be honest with yourself, is he worth fighting for? Be careful, not to be so afraid of losing him that you are actually, pushing him away? Listen and be honest with each other, most relationships start out with different goals.
In high school everyone is in a hurry to become an adult, but remember it can take a lifetime to get to the finish line. So, just take one day at a time.