Marriage is on the verge of ending . . .
My husband and I have been married for 14 years now and we have had several issues along the way but I think that this time it might be the end for us :(
Three weeks ago, we got into a serious argument and things turned sour and my dad and he also got into a major argument so he left our house. We are currently living in my father's outhouse. For one week, we did not contact each other by any means whatsoever. My dad said that he does not want him to stay with us anymore and gave me a whole list of why! After a friend asked me to send him a message asking him to tell me where we stand and if I should file for divorce or not, I sent him the message but he read it and did not respond. His excuse was that he was sleeping.
Two days later, he called me from his sister's cell phone and asked me if I would meet with him and speak about what happened. So the next day we took a drive to the beach and we vented and he cried and I cried - he eventually decided that we need some time apart to sort out our marital issues and seek counseling. I was not happy with staying apart but decided to let him take his things (clothes, shoes, etc) and return to his parent's house.
I had seen him several days after that when came to visit me at work - all I got was a kiss goodbye. Even though it was hard, I still kept a smile and cried after he left. But then the messaging and phoning stopped. I had to always be the first to send him good morning or some sort of message and he would respond to them but never take the initiative to send one first. He works odd shifts and sleeps during the day so I tried my best to keep contact during the early hours of the morning.
Like I said, it's been three weeks and I feel like I am the only one going through hell! We have a daughter and he does ask about how she is doing and she talks to him when he does call or I call. What concerns me is that he has somehow moved on and wants nothing to do with me but just doesn't know how to say it. I asked if he could come spend the weekend with us last weekend and he said he tried to contact me - I only got the message today - and then he sat with his friends and had a drink and refused to take my calls. He said he didn't want to upset me because he was having a drink.
I feel as if I am not as meaningful as I was before the fight. We do really care about each other and it's the small things which matter to us. Yes, I am a woman and do tend to say hurtful things in a fit of rage. I have tried in vain to change myself and my attitude and approach to life. I asked him if I could spend this weekend with him and his family and he said he had already made plans to go fishing with his friends but he is not certain whether he is going or not. Then he said he will let me know.
Am I overthinking this? My family is still very upset with him because of his actions and they are currently setting rules and regulations in the event he does come back. We cannot afford to go out into the world and get a house of our own because it's far too costly. Where we are currently living is feasible. Oh did I mention that my dad is renovating the outhouse for us - I feel as if my husband does not appreciate my family and the things they do for us.
Sorry for the long story but I just needed to get some help and get this off my chest.
Thank you Xxx
First of all, let me say I'm sorry you're hurting. Love is hard on us, and I'm glad you've reached out.
I'd like to ask a few questions, since I don't want to jump the gun on advice til I know a little more. If you don't mind, I'd like to know;
1) Does he ever initiate contact, or say he wants to see you?
2) Does he ever say he wants to work things out as a couple, or does he just say he wants "a break" so you can each work stuff out separately?
3) How was the relationship before the fight? It seems odd that all of this is because of one fight.
4) Do you really miss him? Or do you miss having "someone"?
5) Does he say he misses you?
I ask these questions, because after 24 years of marriage, I was asking some of the same questions you are. I didn't much like the answers, so I kept looking for reasons to hope it was "just a phase". I wanted to keep my marriage together. Sometimes, it doesn't matter what we want. It matters what we actually have. I hope that what you want and what you have are the same thing. <3