Why is she doing this to me?
I'm 20 years old and a child abuse survivor. My whole life I've been deprived of attention,affection, comfort, safety. And this story is about how I got emotionally attached to the wrong person.
I met this girl at a summer job and we became friends. We got close and she confided in me about her abuse. She described it in graphic detail. After that I made it my mission to fix her.
I wanted to be there for her and help her. I never minded giving her anything even physical comfort. I'd lay in her lap and let her stroke my hair and touch my face. She'd hold my hand and intertwine or fingers. She'd ask for hugs. Sometimes she'd get playful and bite my hand or lick food of my fingers.
One day she asked me if I like someone. I said no.She replied "I think I've a crush on you.Is it weird?" Then another time she said I'm falling for you. She had a boyfriend and I eliminated the possibility of her liking me and I saw her as nothing more than a friend.
The most intimate we got was at a sleepover. She told me she had a fight with her bf and asked me to lay next to her.Then she cuddled into me and asked me to stay, as she was half conscious. Another day we had a deep talk and then she pulled me close on the bed. Her arms were around me,my head was on her chest and I could feel her heart beating really fast. To me it was something pure, i felt safe and happy.
Now here's the problem: My male best friend had planned a surprise for my birthday, and she ruined it by telling me about it. I accidentally slipped and everyone went against her. I defended her saying it was a mistake and I went to her house trying to resolve it. She said she wanted to be away from everyone. But she wasn't able to move on from me. Even tho we weren't friends, I passed by her house 2 days later to check on her. She asked me to stay as much as I can with her. "I can't get over you. You're addiction." She said, and cuddled into me on her bed. She told me even tho we were over she'd always be there for me if I needed her and I could stay with her if I felt depressed.
Then one night things got worse. I brought some drinks to her room to drink with her older sister. She called a mutual friend and lied saying we were drunk and "violent" and thrashing her room. After a huge amount of drama, her sister left for something. I broke down crying asking her why. She replied because you left me. Then she cried as well and asked for a last hug. I stayed until she fell asleep and then I left.
The next day I heard from her sister, that she had told her father I was suicidal and he said he'd never want to have me at their house again. I didn't speak to her for a while.
I saw her again at a mutual friends gathering. She came without an invite tho, and she sat there not speaking to anyone. She saw my best friend laying his head on me, and she gave us both dirty looks. I looked for a good moment to pull her away and talk. I tried to reason with her. She told me how she didn't deserve me. "Don't ask me where you went wrong. I'm so happy you and him (my best friend) are back together. Even though I hate him and I think he's fake and a p*ssy he's a good friend to you. Remember what happened in my bedroom? You said it's over. I shed tears for you and then we had our last hug. Goodbye."
Few days later, I called her to ask about her sister. Then she started telling me how down she felt and how she has no friends. I stayed to be there for her until she had to go. Then in a few days, I needed her. I sent her a text, to which she screenshotted and posted it on a girls group and complained that I was stalking/obsessing/chasing her. They stuck up for me but I was appalled. She did not want to speak to me.
With her brother's help, I confronted her infront of her flat. I asked what's all this hatred, she said "I have to love you to hate you." She then asked me to get over her. I asked how did you do it? She couldn't look at me and said "I stopped thinking about you and having you on my mind. I stopped caring about what you need. "I can't trust myself when I'm with you.I don't deserve you. And you won't forgive me for what I've done even though I'm sorry and it makes me sad as to what I caused you. But we won't fix this." Then i said I was done and went to wait for the elevator,she ran and grabbed me, and hugged me so tight. I tried to pull away and she pressed herself closer and held her cheek against mine. She then asked if I'd like to come in to which I politely declined and left. She offered to walk me home, I said no. Then she texted to check if I reached safe. 2 days later I texted her saying I missed her how good things used to be. She showed that text to our mutual friends and said haha she's still running after me.
Where did I go wrong? Why is she doing this to me?
This is quite a complicated story. I hope I understand it correctly so I can offer some cautious observations.
I want to compliment you on your caring attitude for this new friend of yours. I have found that when someone is hurting (child abuse) they may find some healing by helping others. I hope this is applicable with you.
It should be very beneficial for you in trying to understand your friend’s emotions and behaviors having shared a similar experience as your friend. This may allow you to be empathetic (ability to put yourself in her shoes). With this familiar occurrence of child abuse, can you understand her need to be close to you? Do you understand why she may also need to “push you away” the closer the relationship becomes? Do you remember how risky it was (and is) for you to develop intimacy with anyone and how the closer you become to anyone the more intense the pain of possible “rejection”? If you can answer these questions honestly, you may be in a position to grasp her meaning from her behaviors and her love/hate and honest/dishonest relationship with you.
If what I share with you has any credibility or application in this relationship, you may consider sharing this with your friend in an attempt to reconcile this volatile relationship. If your friend better understands the behaviors resulting from her feelings, it may lead to replacement or substitute behavior that is friendlier, more consistent, and well matched with yours.
I would love to hear back from you to see if I have any insight about this relationship at all, or if I completely missed the mark.
Thankyou. I appreciate your efforts in attempting to analyze the situation.
Yes ofcourse I always ensure that I empathize but the problem here is that she is doing this only with me and I'm certain of that as from what I've heard and observed from our mutual friends. It's more of a personal problem.
Personally for me, I can get attached and form a bond if I trust that person and feel safe with them.
And from our last conversation she understood the main reason I was there was because I suffered something similar and I called it a "special bond" between us. Like our twisted pasts just brought us together.
I find it really hard to stay away from her. I cannot give up on her but after all these humiliations I don't know what else to do but force myself to stay away.
I , too, had a little difficulty figuring out your post, but one thing is clear: both of you play push and pull in this relationship.
How about standing still and saying "I am here for you if you need to talk."? And do that: make no advances but don't reject either.
I am also picking up some sexual tension between you two. Do you think she is giving you mixed signals about this?
Look - you are not a therapist. So don't feel that this should be your "project" to fix her.
You sound like you are coping with your past and moving on. While you can be compassionate to her, please don't let her push your co- dependency buttons. Take care of yourself, first.
Thanks for your response and I appreciate your continued compassion. If she is only playing this cat and mouse game with you, it may suggest she is enchanted by you more than any other. However, if my previous thoughts are accurate, she is most threatened by you, also. Threatened in this case, simply means in danger of being hurt again, emotionally. That may be paralyzing for her and justifies her insensitive treatment of you.
Consistent with a previous post, none of us can “fix” someone. But what we can do is “care”, unconditionally. By products from this type of caring often result in some healing you desire for her and yourself. Unconditional caring is difficult if not impossible to give. But that is where the unconditional part comes in. Don’t expect anything in return but hope for more.
Stay in touch. I will be curious about how this is resolved.