Talked for two months, met for the first time & it was amazing & then nothing
We talked for two months over text this summer, typical ig DM and the snap chatted and then started texting... I didn’t even like him at first not even a little I just wanted the attention honestly because I had broken up with a bf of almost two years a couple months before.
Eventually he became sweeter and he had somewhat of a douchebag vibe but it was so obvious we were emotionally and sexually compatible. He was calling me baby girl and when we got sexual he was like no you’re not just gonna be a hoe you’re gonna by my bitch. I dont know it was like he was claiming and he really wanted me not just as a fling even if that seems silly. I just don’t understand what happened.
Anyway when I got back to college I was so excited to meet him and he kept putting it off and it didn’t make sense. I went over there and we ended up having sex - COMPLETEY against my morals. I had only had sex with my boyfriend I had just broken up with.. but the sex was amazing I’ve never experienced anything so perfect. And TMI but I squirted and his penis was huge! Honestly his performance was far better than mine because I was very nervous and he’s been with many more people than me.. but he cuddled and talked to me and kissed me afterwards so I figured he didn’t care and really enjoyed it too..
I texted him after I left saying it was great but honestly I wasn’t sure if I could see anything more than sex with him but clearly sex would be enough for me and maybe I could grow to like him.
When I went to try to hang out again he kept blowing me off and eventually he stopped answering my texts and Snapchat’s so of course I got angry and lashed out at him.. and he called me crazy and blocked me
I feel so violated and I feel like I can’t trust guys anymore and it’s been months since it happened and I don’t feel any different.. I almost had sex with my ex again but I told him I just couldn’t because I can’t imagine letting someone use me and throw me aside like that again so heartlessly.
I’m so insecure now about maybe being crazy when it comes to guys or maybe I was just awful at sex and I didn’t know.. i dont know how to talk to guys anymore because I can’t decide if I even want to be with a guy yet I feel so lonely. I think part of me still hopes the guy who had sex with me and then called me crazy will be able to understand what he put me through and feel bad and give us a chance again.. and I know he’s not worth it but it’s the only thing I want right now and i dont know how to change that.
Any advice would be helpful.
Let's get things here straight.
1.- "he had somewhat of a douchebag vibe"
The signs were there, you just ignored it because you wanted to keep going.
2.- "I was so excited to meet him and he kept putting it off and it didn’t make sense"
This should have ringed a bell in your head.
3.- "I went over there and we ended up having sex - COMPLETEY against my morals"
So, you did it by your own free will, but against what you think is right. Am I right? (You weren't forced, did you?)
4.- "honestly I wasn’t sure if I could see anything more than sex with him"
You knew all the time, it was a one-shot thing. You just didn't want to accept it.
5.- "I feel so violated and I feel like I can’t trust guys anymore"
You shouldn't feel that way. Since you wanted that and you decided to experience it that way. Don't blame "guys" of your decision to turn your head to the side when all the signs were in front of you. Just keep all your senses in the right place next time and you'll make more fulfilling choices.
6.- "maybe I was just awful at sex"
No, you weren't. It's as simple as this. Guys are genetically programmed to "spread their genes in as many females as they can", and douchebags are barely above the level of a rabbit when it comes to sex. See, in bullet #2 he was probably "hunting" other targets. You had to wait for your turn. After that, your turn had passed. Don't blame you for that. That's his problem and he'll have to deal with it eventually.
7.- "I think part of me still hope...give us a chance again.. and I know he’s not worth it"
So, chance for what? More sex? You seem to be spending emotional capital in something that, on your own words, "is not worth it".
8.- "but it’s the only thing I want right now"
What is what you want right now? A huge dick? Go buy a big dildo. A guy that treats you the right way and gives you good sex and gives you his time? Then go interact with other guys and keep your senses on the signs. Avoid douche vibes. Look for a good friend that may eventually become a lover and finally a love of your life.
Stop victimizing yourself. You wanted that ride and you had it. You enjoyed it and that's it. You know it's not worth any more of your time. So don't even waste it thinking about him. There are 3 billion men on Earth. I'm sure someone is the right guy for you.
Good luck, and keep us posted!