Is our relationship toxic?
I'm 20 years old and a child abuse survivor. And this story is about how I got emotionally attached to the wrong person.
I met this girl at a summer job and we became friends. We got close and she confided in me about her abuse. She described it in graphic detail. After that I made it my mission to help her get through it. I was her manager and mentor throughout the job and I did my best to make sure she's okay.
I was always there for her, emotionally and physically. Calls, hugs, texts, buying her food, covering for her.
One day she asked me if I like someone. I said no.She replied "I think I've a crush on you.Is it weird?" Then another time she said I'm falling for you. She had a boyfriend and I eliminated the possibility of her liking me and I saw her as nothing more than a friend.
The most intimate we got was at a sleepover. She told me she had a fight with her bf and asked me to lay next to her.Then she cuddled into me and asked me to stay, as she was half conscious. Another day we had a deep talk and then she pulled me close on the bed. Her arms were around me,my head was on her chest and I could feel her heart beating really fast. To me it was something pure, I felt safe and comforted.
Now here's the problem: My male best friend had planned a surprise for my birthday, and she ruined it by telling me about it. I accidentally slipped and everyone went against her. I defended her saying it was a mistake and I went to her house trying to resolve it. She said she wanted to be away from everyone, but that it's hard for her to move on me. Even tho we weren't friends, I passed by her house to check on her. She asked me to stay as much as I can with her. "I can't get over you. You're addiction." She said, and cuddled into me on her bed. She told me even tho we were over she'd always be there for me if I needed her and I could stay with her if I felt depressed. The next day,however,she told me she needed time and space away from me. Me being stubborn, I didn't want to let go that easy. She called my best friend and apologized to him for ruining the surprise but also told him that I "was pushing her into this". He got angry and decided to put me on a 3way call without her knowing. After I heard it, I told her we are over.
Then one night things got worse. I brought some alcohol to her to drink with her older sister at her room. She called a mutual friend and lied saying we were drunk and "violent" and thrashing her room. After a huge amount of drama, her sister left for something. I broke down crying asking her why. She replied because you left me. Then she cried as well and asked for a last hug. I stayed until she fell asleep and then I left.
The next day I heard from her sister, that she had told her father I was suicidal and he said he'd never want to have me at their house again. I didn't speak to her for a while.
I saw her again at a mutual friends gathering. She came without an invite tho, and she sat there not speaking to anyone. She saw my best friend laying his head on me, and she gave us both dirty looks. I looked for a good moment to pull her away and talk. I tried to reason with her. She told me how she didn't deserve me. "Don't ask me where you went wrong. I'm so happy you and him (my best friend) are back together. Even though I hate him and I think he's fake and a p*ssy he's a good friend to you. Remember what happened in my bedroom? You said it's over. I shed tears for you and then we had our last hug. Goodbye."
Few days later, I called her to ask about her sister. Then she started telling me how down she felt and how she has no friends. I stayed to be there for her until she had to go. Then in a few days, I needed her. I sent her a text, to which she screenshotted and posted it on a girls group and complained that I was stalking/obsessing/chasing her. They stuck up for me but I was appalled. I also heard her boyfriend had asked her to stay away from me because "I might have a crush on her." She did not want to speak to me.
With her brother's help, I confronted her infront of her flat. I asked what's all this hatred, she said "I have to love you to hate you." She then asked me why are you picking me? Why do you want me? Not giving a reply, she asked me to get over her. I asked how did you do it? She couldn't look at me and said "I stopped thinking about you and having you on my mind. I stopped caring about what you need. "I can't trust myself when I'm with you.I don't deserve you. And you won't forgive me for what I've done even though I'm sorry and it makes me sad as to what I caused you. But we won't fix this." Then i said I was done and went to wait for the elevator,she ran and grabbed me, and hugged me so tight. I tried to pull away and she pressed herself closer and held her cheek against mine. She then asked if I'd like to come in to which I politely declined and left. She offered to walk me home, I said no. Then she texted to check if I reached safe.
2 days later I texted her saying I missed her how good things used to be. She showed that text to our mutual friends and said haha she's still running after me. After this,I sent her a message that I know everything she's been doing and I blocked her. She tried to reach me twice, but I ignored. A week later i went to speak to her again. I got brutally beaten at home and I went to her with a bruised face,cut lip. Initially I was just there to deliver something until she stopped me to talk. She apologized sincerely.
"I thought the only reason you were there for me is because you pitied me, because of my secret. I did this because I was angry at you. But now I realized I was so wrong. Please promise me if anything happens to you, you will tell me.
She touched my face, hugged me tight, and stroked my hair. She kissed my forehead and cheek and we parted ways. The next day, I stayed over at her room. She cuddled me again, pressing our foreheads together and said "I'm glad we're back together. But everyone thinks we're bad for each other."
My best friend is against this friendship. He thinks she's in love with me and takes advantage of me and damages me knowing she can't have me. He thinks it's inappropriate when I've laid in her lap and she has stroked my hair or touched my face. E.g:When she holds my hand and intertwined our fingers. Or when she bites my hand and licks good off my fingers in a playful way.
He blames me for leading her on. I'm confused because I don't understand what this is. I just felt safe with her. She doesn't cuddle with any of the other girls, it's just me. And I assumed it's because she feels safe with me too. I felt that by healing her I'm also helping myself.
Is this friendship toxic? Are her intentions pure?
The short answer is YES!
Run as far as you can.
There are several flags here that show the toxicity of the relationship.
There are a lot of lies and drama involved. That's never healthy. And I'm not saying a relationship has to be all hugs and laughs. But it shouldn't be so filled by drama.
Do yourself a favor and stay away from her.
Be good to yourself. You are the first person you have to help.
We're here for you if you need to talk!