My husband and I are both in our early 30’s. We’ve been married for two years, together for 5. He is an amazing man…very hard working, loving, attentive, and lots of fun.
He owns a very successful business with his father and it affords us a very comfortable lifestyle. I also have a new business (that he backed financially) that is doing well, but still growing. I would not be able to depend on it solely if I walked away. Before we were married, I signed a prenup since his net worth is very high and I didn’t have anything.
Before my husband came along and swept me off my feet, I worked however many jobs needed to take care of my child. I struggled, and life was very hard. After our relationship became serious, I only had to work one job and every day I thank God for the many blessings we have, because I sure do appreciate having a man that truly loves me and not having to struggle anymore.
The last 5 years have been pretty amazing with only a few bumps in the road, but we got through them like most do. When I say bumps, I really mean outside factors… like family drama. One in particular is my brother, who has been addicted to pain pills for the last ten years since a terrible car accident he was in. He is lucky to be alive. Earlier this year, my brother was arrested for possession of heroin……Yeah.
His battle with drugs has led all the way from Percocet’s to heroin over a ten year span. When he got out of jail, I decided to give my brother a new head start. My husband was in total agreement. Out of all of my side of the family, I am the only one financially able to truly help my brother, I had him move into our home, I took away his phone and cut off all prior contacts, took him to rehab, NA meeting, behavioral health appointments, weekly PO meetings and literally found myself giving all my extra time and effort to helping my brother. This went on for three months and then sadly, he failed a random drug test and went back to jail. I was so heartbroken that I was unable to help him beat this battle. While in jail, he told me that I could never understand how addictive it is and that it’s “just so hard” to beat it. I was left feeling very sad…and thinking that he will never have a normal life again.
A few weeks ago, I woke up and went into my home office to find a note left on my desk from my husband. He told me that he had started using drugs (cocaine and methadone) and that he needed help. In the letter, he was very emotional, apologetic, and ashamed. It took literally about 10 hours for the shock effect to subside. Then, once he came home that evening from work, I lost it. I cried uncontrollably, and I had a million questions. His answers were all lies, although I didn’t know it at the time. I would later find out that my husband was also using heroin and that MY BROTHER is the reason for it…sort of. Before my brother ever went to jail for possession of heroin, he called our home one day to ask my husband for help getting his truck unstuck. My husband is the guy to call for things like this, so I didn’t think anything of it. At that time, I didn’t know my brother was doing heroin. Apparently, my husband moved his truck for him and while doing so, saw two bags of heroin and asked for them. My brother gave them to him and that was the start of it.
The entire time my brother lived here during the 3 months I was trying to help him, both he and my husband knew that my husband was also using it. They even used together when I wasn’t home several times. To top it off, I went before judges and attorneys, officers, and counselors to discuss what could be done for those who are addicted to drugs in our community. There is a heroin epidemic sweeping over our county and its time to do something about it. I also spoke at community watch meetings trying to get people to end the stigma behind it all so that we can move forward to help them. I spoke about how my brother’s addiction affects our family and all of the struggles we’ve faced over the years. The entire time I had no idea that my husband was doing it too. No signs that I knew of.
I feel repulsed, betrayed, and sickened. I also feel sad, angry, and desperate for this nightmare to end and for life to return to normal again. If I leave my husband, I have nothing, not even a car. Everything is his. I do want to give him one chance to fix this and he has begun treatment on suboxone to get off the methadone (even though he was addicted to heroin also). Basically, he is an opiate addict. He has been on the suboxone for 2 weeks and says its going well. All I can do is believe him. I am extremely attentive to every little move he makes now and so far I have no reason to doubt his progress or assume that he is doing any other drugs.
I can’t involve my family because they will tell me to leave him immediately. I can’t involve his family either because they will vote him out of the family business and probably disown him. His family are the type of people who are stuck up, snobby, and all about appearances. They have disowned family members in the past over the silliest things, never to speak to them again. So I know not to go to them.
We live in a small-town community, population of 3000. We know everyone, and I can’t talk to anyone about this. I am screaming inside. Part of me says to get my ducks in a row and figure out how to leave and take care of my child on my own, and the other part of me wants to help him beat this…until I remember my brother and his ongoing battle…and anything written on the internet about heroin addiction tells you how difficult it is to come back from. I feel like a total pessimist sometimes thinking that I need to leave before it all blows up. Please help!
It's too bad that during all that effort to help your brother and now, your husband, that you didn't get help fir yourself.
Living with addicts zaps our energy and focus. Your child needs you, but you are busy trying to take care of another adult.
Get professional help from a counseling center that deals with addiction, specifically with spouses of abusers.
Good luck. Your child needs 100% of you.