Struggling with marriage
BEYONDFRUSTRATED - Nov 2 2017 at 05:37
I need advice. My husband and i have been married less than a year, and i dont know if we will make it to our 1st anniversary. We have been together for almost 2 1/2 years total.
When we first moved in together, it was about 3 months before we got married. After we got married, things were good. We went out alot, hung out with our friends alot, and had sex 2-3 times a week. Things were great....then his youngest brother and his gf moved in. We still went out, but less (he was tired, i wasnt), and had sex maybe twice a week, but usually once a week. Then we moved out of town.
As soon as we moved, we didnt hang out w our friends anymore, and we went out every other week (it was 20 miles back into town to do anything). And our sex life slowed to once every 2-3 weeks. I have a high sex drive, so this became very frustrating. I left my job, and am unable to get another due to physical limitations, so money got tight. After 3 months, we moved back to town.
Now, we are living in town, but we hardly ever go anywhere. His mom and his youngest brother live w us now. We have had sex maybe 3 times here, and we have lived here 4 or 5 months here now.
Hes never been overly physical with me, regarding simple things like making out (anything over 3 kisses to me, hell, we dont even french kiss), to foreplay. We do cuddle on occasion, but usually its just a hand on my thigh. Ive asked a hundred times for physical affection, and he slaps my ass a few times an calls it good. Wont touch me or go down on me. Says he loves it, and he will, but never does. Cant tell me why heavy kissing bothers him, but insists we make out all the time. When we do have sex its just that...sex. No forplay, no kissing during, no affection. He tells me i can have it whenever (i want it all the time from him lol), but he says no EVERYTIME i try, but if i say no to him, he gets mad.
I love him dearly, and we enjoy so much of the same things, but the lack of affection, plus the fact we are never alone, has caused enough strain on our marriage, that im thinking of ending it; i dont know what more i can do. I try to talk to him, but he just keeps promising he will try, but nothing changes. And just recently i found out hes been watching porn every chance he gets...even on his breaks at work...(we used to enjoy watching together, talked about swinging even), but now, he refuses to watch with me.
Please, i could really use an outside opinion.
I think 2 1/2 years is kind of a short amount of time. How long have you actually known your husband for, and been acquainted with him?
Yes, a lot can happen in 30 months. And you can't just wait around forever. But it can take many years to get to know someone, and to strengthen your bonds with them. Some of my best friends right now I have known for about 4 years. I still don't think we are as close as we could be.
To give you some perspective, I was with my ex for about 6 years. We lived together for most of that and got married towards the end, and it took me that long to begin realizing I was unhappy.
Not to suggest that your relationship is going the same way. But it just kind of sounds like...things went really fast for you. You got married a year and a half after you began dating, and moved in together shortly before that. I'm not sure if that is really enough time to be certain. I don't think it is. Of course, I don't know how long you knew each other before you began to date also.
One thing you mention is that your relationship was going more smoothly whenever you were able to spend more time with your friends. And while it is good to maintain other friendships and to have alone time while in a relationship, I have found that usually when you have less friendships you spend more time with your partner. What this suggests to me is that maybe your relationship was going better because you weren't around each other nearly as much, and your had a distraction. Or else maybe both of you are just total extroverts and really need to be around a group of friends to be happier.
Having a lack of privacy can certainly hurt a relationship, too. I see a lot of couples living with one of the half's family, or with a bunch of kids, and I just can't imagine it working out long-term in most cases. Yeah, it's possible for a non-traditional living situation to work, but it's a lot harder.
There must be some job you can do. I won't pry about your health, but I am sure there is something you could try. If you don't think you would be able to hold one job for a long period of time due to your health, then maybe you could consider taking up temp jobs here and there - something you could do to bring in some cash, but something you don't have to feel entirely obligated to. Your husband has a job. Imagine how he must be stressed and tired from being the breadwinner for you both.
You have some things in common and that's good. It just seems like there might be a lot of things you two are not very compatible on, such as your brands of affection and your openness. And again, maybe that comes from committing to something too soon.
I think you shouldn't give up without a fight, though. Maybe you could try planning something special for you both and find somewhere to get away to, to be alone and be affectionate, and have fun, and to seriously talk about things. Something as simple as a day of pampering yourself and making your body soft and smooth and beautiful and smelling good for him, and then coming onto him after he gets home from work or something. Or else something as bold and naughty as exploring that swinging encounter with him that you both talked about - that could be fun, or at the very least tell you more about what you do and don't want. The point is, you should make sure it is truly coming to a resolution. Sometimes, reconnecting on those things you both have in common can be enough to recharge the spark. Sometimes speaking your own minds and sharing your different viewpoints can be interesting as well, and remind each other of the individuals that you are.
Best of luck to you. And I hope that you make the decision that is right for you two.
Agree with an awful lot of that. But it might be more serious...
- False initial impressions (or else you'd not have married him).
- Deliberately established initial expectations (as your basis for agreeing to marry) left unfulfilled.
Dual standards (including unwarranted anger/Mantrum-ing - "he gets mad")
Intimidation-style Triangulation (almost constantly three against one).
Isolation (making you move away from your comfort zone and isolating you from yourself via Cognitive Dissonance).
Clearly finds sex and affection with a woman distasteful.
Refuses to be honest during discussions to tackle the problem, just makes false promises and lies about reality (Gaslights).
(PS: I expect money would be less tight if there weren't four of you. PPS: He knew your sex-drive was high so, why marry you.)
"that im thinking of ending it;"
So would I be, after reading your opening post as well as between and under the lines...Or any person with intact boundaries that knows right from wrong and proof of (healthy) love versus lack of in the context of a romantic relationship. Basically, as soon as he had you locked-in and then removed from your normal support network and isolated - bam - he started to change character - yes? (And PS, a slap on the a*se is not a demonstration of affection but, of disrespect and 'ownership' (plus over entitlement). Which I expect you felt. Basically, he's not QUALIFIED to slap you on the behind, is he, because he's not earned it by creating a safe contextual backdrop in which to do so whereby the act and registered stimulus is rendered playful, friendly and tongue-in-cheek. His way, it feels insulting and demeaning. Bit like complaining you're starving, only to have your 'provider' slap you in the face with a (fake, mostly nothing but air) custard pie. Correct?)
"When we do have sex its just that...sex. No forplay, no kissing during, no affection."
Ugh, poor you. (Again, too telling.) And does he leave cash notes on the bedside table before he exits the room as well?
Stand back and what do you see? A load of unfulfilled promises and faux, misleading impressions until such time you were decidedly hooked...basically mouth says A, A, A and repeated, sustained actions say Z, Z, Z (and Z), bar whenever he feels finally forced to (which smacks of mere maintenance/divorce-decision-avoidance rather than building).
And why is it he seems to always want a couple of his tribe living with the pair of you? Also very telling.
IMO, you woz duped, luv. No doubt after being Love-Bombed (go google). He's not a healthy, fully-functional individual (as if you needed telling).
Stop doubting yourself. Why are you? (Answer: cognitive dissonance.)
Insist on a proper sit-down discussion with promises to change or make serious endeavours and failing that, marital counselling on pain of separation with a view to starting from scratch with new terms & conditions, or divorcing (you can't live like that, you know you can't, already you can't). If you're willing to fix things but he's for some legit. reason incapable at this point in time, his lack needs compensating with a third party professional who's likewise willing. Then we'll see how he looks, won't we.
But if you want my opinion? In his eyes, you are merely what's known as Secondary Supply. His mother and brother are Primary Supply. Because he's a Cerebral type of NPD (Go Google.) Hence why, the minute they enter the scene, you get relegated in importance and treated accordingly. Because he doesn't like sex within the confines of a relationship anyway; even without oral, it's (his perception) bestial and dirty and requires a bestial and dirty partner only (porn stars). Seeing it?
If you are: google Cerebral Narcissist and Sex and Porn.
I could be wrong, but at least it's somewhere to start from in terms of eliminating it from the enquiry (Z towards A). He could find the presence in the house of his mother and brother inhibiting (although that begs the question, why invite them in in the first place!) (see what answer now beckons?). But don't feed him that answer or any answer/supposition, just insist on a proper sit-down discussion wherein you are free to ask him those sorts of questions before letting HIM give the reasons and explanations (which have to make sense and add up with reality or, no dice).
And then report back if you need to.