I need to talk once
ABCD - Nov 5 2017 at 16:55
Hi, I recently had a break up with my boyfriend of more than 3 years. We met in college during his last semester, spent 4 months together in the same place. After that he went to US for his higher studies while I stayed back to complete mine. We were going good with occasional fights like every relationship. We were very seriously looking at a future since I too want to move to US for PhD. Our families knew. His family had met me and liked me. Since one year, after he started working he started avoiding me. I lnitially I ignored it because his working hours are insane. We decided to talk on weekends only n just WhatsApp through the week. After 2-3 months the conversatiobs reduced A Lot! He wouldn't even talk to me over weekends saying he was busy with work or out with friends. This happened for good 7-8 months. In August he broke up with me saying that he really hopes this is temporary n we can get back together after I go to US. But he broke up over texts. He hasn't spoken to me even once about what he really wants and what was making him unhappy. I have asked him to talk to me several times in these 3 months but in vain. Please tell me what to do. I really love him and don't want any misunderstandings.
You're either this guy's priority or you're not and going by his actions, you're not. If he had you to the fore, he'd be moving heaven and earth to be with you and communicate with you rather than using excuses like being out with friends or too busy at work. LDRs are notoriously difficult to maintain even for married couples of many years and you need to understand that it's not so much about when you get to the US, it's about now and his past efforts of trying to maintain his relationship with you.
He's broken up with you and he won't talk to you because there's little or no care factor for the relationship you once shared. You need to move on, just as he has, and quit waiting for him to talk to you. It's no use hanging around for a guy, regardless of what you shared in the past, who doesn't have you on his radar.
I know what you're saying is right. It's just very difficult n overwhelming to go from being so so close to being nothing.it had taken a lot of effort to trust this guy n the relationship. I really really loved him and still do. He doesn't feel the same and it's okay I guess. I just needed one closure call, since I don't think we'll be seeing each other ever again. I miss him a lot!! I am a strong person but this has left me emotionally broken. This is the first time I am finding myself this weak.im just not able to move on. Please help me
What do you mean 'taken a lot of effort to trust this guy'?
Was he hard to trust, in your opinion? Or had someone else made it hard for you to trust as readily as you ordinarily might? Or was he rushing you? Do you feel as if, even though it was he who originally coerced you into getting close far faster than you'd have liked and yet, the minute you did, the minute you 'arrived', he had the chutzpah to choose that moment to begin backing out?
How anxious and distressed do you feel out of 10? Emphasis on *feel*, whether or not one would deem it technically appropriate.
No it's not him but someone else had made it hard. Also, we hadn't known each other for a long time before we started dating. He wasn't rushing me either..the pace at which everything was going seemed normal to both of us and it all seemed real. It was real too. Then why did he give up?
He isn't a bad person which is why I'm still stuck and I don't want to move on with any wrong ideas in my head.
On a scale of 1-10 I'm distressed at level 9 I can say.. sometimes it goes up to 10. I love him a lot and really don't want to lose him.
It's the distance that has come in between us. It has been a long distance for 3 years. We have met once each year n twice last year. He is supposed to come to India (our home country) this month.
We both have had really stressful times in our respective careers this year which was the reason for spending less time. It's obvious that this will happen. But does that change one's feelings? It did not change my feelings towards him because I always knew that this will happen and we need to adjust. But we should make the most of whatever time we get off work.
I don't know if I'm expecting too much or not. I never stopped him from doing anything or going anywhere, I can never do that.
I'm too confused
I think a huge chunk of what you're feeling is your understandable incomprehension over how the seemingly promising relationship went so (relatively-speaking) quickly and drastically down the pan, rather than you not realising it's over...and he didn't exactly help with that, did he, with his seeming mixed messages borne out of cowardice and selfish self-interest combined (trying to keep you available in his toybox for 'just in case', meaning, he progressed in life but you didn't). After all, it's no hardship on him to keep you from being able to move on while he gets to enjoy his new life so that you'd still be an open option *if* there came a day when he found himself single and wanting someone to fill that gap, rather than have to cruise around like the singleton he were. So he was hardly treating you as an equal with equal rights or feelings that matter, was he.
Yes, feelings *can* change with a change in circumstances to that degree, particularly at your young-ish ages. It could be that he had enough love thus scope for longevity if convenience were to forever be a present element. But once that got taken out of the equation, and what with new faces and new things to do - a new life, basically - he found he didn't (despite all his gushing and promises in the past). This is what you 'saw' and felt happening when he suddenly switched from being available for weekend contact to unavailable/unwilling. The fact he ended it so vaguely, and by piddly text, however, isn't exactly a glowing testimony to his character.
Relationships always somehow get put to the test like this. If it weren't the inconvenience factor it would have been something else, but...the upshot is - if you use cars as an analogy - his didn't have a large enough petrol tank. So your car's tank capacity is bigger and better than his, isn't it, because you with the aid of your own strength of ardour *could* handle and overcome the major change in circumstance.
It's therefore a good thing you didn't end up marrying him or he might well have abandoned the relationship when you'd been in dire straits and it would have hit you far harder. At least this way, you've got future goals still to focus on, including the unknown goodies awaiting you further up your path.
It wouldn't have lasted. He's proven that. Better that you complete this current part of the path (Grieving) that will - *will - guaranteed* - automatically lead you to a far better and longer-lasting model.
Once you accept you and he are definitely over (aided by ignoring the blah-blah's and re-examining only the *actions*, like we three have done), you'll feel a heck of a lot better and/or will feel heartbroken for a far shorter duration. It's the *struggle* caused by not knowing where you stand thus not knowing whether you can start to grieve or not that creates most of the horrid feelings you're experiencing.
He may not be a *bad* person per se but even ignoring his cowardice, he's nowhere near in your league. How do I know? Easy. No way would you have made the choices he's made or behave like he has. You'd have been a gentleman and set her free. Correct? There you go, then. So that means he wasn't good enough for you and 'someone up there' likes you because it *was not* going to allow you to get saddled with someone who'd have left you feeling short-changed all the time or, like I say, flaking on you when there are other men out there who'd come up to scratch and therefore treat you better and do their damnedest to keep you *regardless* of what obstacles were placed on your joint path to Together ForeverVille.
So, then, he was only meant to be a stepping stone relationship aka Rebound Job. Consider the relationship your priming period, like a private, mental gym, for getting you prepared and up to scratch for said upgrade - someone very like him but *way* better!
In the meantime - yeah, poor you. We've all been there, we all remember that 'am I going to die of grief' feeling. But it can't last and doesn't, just *seems* interminable when you're in the thick of it.
Anger - and knowing there's something better being likewise prepped as we speak - will help you to feel a lot better about being in pain for a while, once it kicks in. Would you like me to help you activate it?
You are 100% right in saying that I wouldn't have treated him the same way. I don't get into things I'm not sure of. Ofcourse, nobody is sure of what will happen to a relationship, but I feel you either love somebody or you don't and real love doesn't have conditions. This is not a business deal. Two people in a relationship need to come to a middle ground. Moreover, I would never give someone all the hope in the world and then crush them this way. If he did not want a long distance then he shouldn't have gotten into one, and even if he did then I'm sure 2 year is a good time to know if you're comfortable with it or not. 3 years is a very long time. It's not a joke.
We're both in our twenties and making our careers, so a long distance is inevitable - same country or not. I was very clear about what I want n what I don't want right from the beginning. Why couldn't he be clear? Until 2016 he never spoke about the future, as in he never wanted to plan. He only kept saying I love you n I want to spend my life with you. Not just this but a lot more which made me believe him. Suddenly from the beginning of this year he started whining about the distance. I know it's not easy but if we love each other then we should just be patient right? I'm doing the same thing. Wouldn't I love to have my boyfriend with me in the same city? See him everyday? Ofcourse I would! That doesn't mean I dump this guy just coz he's far away. Because I love HIM. I want HIM n not just anybody else who's around.
It really really hurts. I don't know if when he said all those things he didn't mean them..or did he change n just got bored of the relationship. What was my fault?
If I move on..there won't be any turning back for me. Even if he comes back to me sometime in future. Even if I would want to be with him I won't because it won't be the same. He was of the opinion that we call it off now n see if we find each other and once I'm in US depending on our situation we could see if we can get back together. Those were his words. I really don't want to be treated like an option. May be I'm too emotional. I really love him n for me love is stronger than distance or anything else in this world.
What was my fault that in having to go through this? I'm DEFINITELY going to have trust issues in future
It's not unconditional (that's the parent-child relationship, mother first). But neither is it conditional. It's BOUNDED (plus, being a social mechanism, needs to flex depending on social context):
Basically, a human comprises an inner animal (the nowadays hairless ape) *and* spiritual being. The inner animal doesn't give a fig for romance, it wants practical comforts and the right vein and amount, and will kick up a relationship-jeopardising fuss if it isn't getting those needs properly met, either in comparison to its own needs or compared to what everyone else in its vicinity is getting (where perception plays its part). And the spiritual being doesn't give a fig for practicals, wants spiritual connection/romance and the right vein and amount and, likewise, will kick up a fuss if its needs aren't properly met. Both 'entities' have to be sufficiently happy for the relationship to survive. HENCE, the wife 'given' the huge marital house and high income can experience death of love if it's not getting 'fed' emotionally-spiritually but might hang in there, regardless, because the practicals are so plentiful and, conversely, the wife that lives in a hovel with no chance of promotion yet is massively love-and-attention-rich, will put up with the lack of practical comforts.
I know a joke about that:
He climbed the highest mountains
Crossed the widest deserts
And swam the deepest oceans.
So she divorced him.
Because he was never at home.
But, yes, you're correct in that he wasn't as sincere, conscientious and earnest as you (immature or not matured/ready). In other words, YOU UNDER-SOLD YERSELF, LUV! You say only what you mean and mean only what you say...and he doesn't (blah-blah-blah I luff you soo much I CHOP OFF MY ARRRM!). But then, saying that - that was the point of the TEST-DRIVE. Had you test-driven for longer before going Exclusive & Committed, you'd have learned about these inadequacies/failures of his to measure up and avoided committing. Put another way, you gave him the job in your office (My Heart Inc.) before he (thus "the relationship") had finished its proper trial period. It's just lucky/sensible you didn't prematurely give him a written, legally-binding contract (marriage on-paper rather than 'just' in the heart).
So you did everything right BUT BIDE YOUR TIME MORE or give the vehicle a very condensed but comprehensive test-drive. (Sorry about the mixed analogies.) Next time you'll ensure to remember to do so.
It wasn't a joke but, at best, he did take it all more lightly than you (evidently). So that is why he 'couldn't be more clear' and hence didn't want to make future plans. But the failure to make forward plans in real terms *is* a Red Flag regarding total sincerity.
I KNOW it really-really hurts. It's meant to. Pain is a warning that something is (was) wrong (with your selection-for-investment process) and is meant to be your incentive to better those selection skills of yours so that you end up with a REAL diamond, not a kid in a diamond suit or with only one diamond facet (and the rest made out of Haribos).
My gut instinct is that he semi-conned you. He did want a couple of years relationship with you but wasn't actually planning on it being long-lasting (hence you 'heard' that). And BECAUSE he only half-meant them, he got bored ...of not being able to just pop round, not having someone on his arm when out socially, not being able to have s*x whenever he wanted or needed, etc.
"If I move on..there won't be any turning back for me. Even if he comes back to me sometime in future. Even if I would want to be with him I won't because it won't be the same. He was of the opinion that we call it off now n see if we find each other and once I'm in US depending on our situation we could see if we can get back together. Those were his words. I really don't want to be treated like an option. May be I'm too emotional. I really love him n for me love is stronger than distance or anything else in this world."
WELL DONE! And no (as this little speech helps prove!), there's nothing wrong with you and it wasn't your fault. All that was 'wrong' with you was, your intentions were serious, you say what you mean and mean only what you say (when it's important, certainly)...but ended up paired with your 'younger, annoying kid brother' wearing a grown young man suit, holding the grown young man script and with some acting skills and/or lacking intimate knowledge of himself and/or experience. In terms of emotional intelligence (the one you NEED for this game!), he was about, oooh.... 13?
(You cougar, you! ;-))
You're not too emotional, either.
Your new mantra - say it with me:
"Right Qualities (mine)
Bit like [exaggeration] an angel getting a job at Evildoers & Co. Purely out of context, you'd be ALL WRONG, wouldn't you. But no, in reality, the company would be.
You're just a tad under-ripe, like most women your age. BUT THAT COULD JUST BE BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE RIGHT LOCATION AND SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES YET. When you're fully ripe, the 'gas' you give off will draw your counterpart to you (and vice versa) and that'll be that'll be THAT!
Me, I suspect your soulmate (or one of them; you've actually got loads) could well be ripening up for you in America as we speak - *if* the desire to go there was genuinely all your own. If not, go to your favourite place or type of place in the world, that'll help heaps. Fate wrenched your eyes off of 'kid brother' so that you'll spot "him", rather than 'look straight through him because you've already got a mate and aren't looking'. Your toll fee is a few months of heartache. Small price, eh. You maybe couldn't comment, not having a crystal-ball, but the answer is GOD, YES! You won't have trust issues when you meet him...Trusting him will be easy and automatic with feeling mistrustful leaving you feeling blind, deaf, dumb and stupid...although you *will* still make wait to be fully test-driven, just to be sensible and sure on the conscious and intellectual side.
You don't need trust, save for those safety-checks. You just need someone whom your test-drive has adequately proven won't ever BREAK your trust. Where you need trust is IN YOURSELF. To be a romantic survivor. I.e., that heartache, in spite of feeling horrid, doesn't and can't kill you and makes you stronger, meaning, you can survive this form of negative consequence, meaning, what's to fear? (just dislike), meaning, you can be brave enough to place your remaining trust in the other.
Ultimately, then, all that's 'wrong with you' is that you tried to set the schedule and pace as if your own god. Aka a bit impatient. Big deal.
No, don't think like that or you're in danger of taking the crimes of 'kid brother' out on 'The One', which, depending on extent, being unfair and unwarranted, could break the relationship or make for a bumpier, slower and less pleasant ride than need be.
If you want to speed up your recovery thus your 'arrival' time - date yourself. Get your inner animal's standards up by giving yourself 5-star treatment. Spoil yourself (healthily). Here's the magic bit: it can't tell its you treating yourself, thinks it's someone else. But it gets used to being treated like a princess and won't tolerate much under that, it now being your frame of reference replete with alarm systems for any failures and transgressions. That's what you *call* prep! :-)