Facebook is ruining my peace of mind. Help!!
HELLO23345678 - Nov 7 2017 at 10:10
ive been with my partner for just over two years. We've had our ups and downs, like most couples. But our 'downs' are mainly due to his Facebook searches!! We've just booked our wedding for next June, and we're currently undergoing fertility investigations, as we've been trying for a baby. My life was pretty settled and mapped out.
We broke up for a few months beginning of the year. We were going through a rough patch, he had called me by his ex's name, twice! Just after we'd moved in together! Instead of talking to me about what was wrong with us, he was searching for his ex girlfriend. He wasn't on Facebook at the time, but he was using every social media platform available to find her. I know, because I snooped.
We broke up, then got back together a few months later.
I snooped on his phone again. He'd met her whilst we weren't together. Declared how his feelings hadn't changed, and how his heart still skipped a beat when she was around. Long story short, they didn't get together. I don't think she was interested.
We got back together.
I was blissfully happy, until he went to show me something on Facebook, and who's in his search bar!! Her!!!!!!!
What do I do!? I can't say anything, cos I snooped. But this is eating at me! We're meant to be getting married, trying for a child, why is he searching for her again!!? He's assured me he loves me, only wants me! What's going on!
Someone please help me understand what this is.
I cannot do this again!
But he's the one pushing for the wedding. He's booked the venue and church etc.
How can he be sabotaging when he doesn't know that I know
He's not sabotaging like that, he's priming you. And yes he does know you know - or at least would put money on it. The calling you by the ex's name, particularly during an (excuse for an) argument, is a known tactic in a whole heap of tactics.
What he's doing, by whoops!-letting you find such evidence (think about it, THINK ABOUT IT!, how hard *is* total privacy and confidentiality if one is determined?! HE *SHOWED* YOU - OR AT LEAST LED YOU THERE!) is trying to erode your boundaries so that he can continue this sort of behaviour after you're 'married' and you won't dare complain 'or he'll leave you again'. It's known as Triangulating. Google Triangulation and take it from there, see if you recognise his total behaviour or even flashes of symptoms. Doesn't mean he is one, but does mean he's emulating a lot of the disorder's tactics at the very least (including breaking up more than once and refusing to acknowledge the elephant in the room that he put there).
You shouldn't marry ANYONE under those circumstances you describe. Call it off and don't reinstate it until your relationship is back to being worthy of cementing via his showing he's ready to be committed and exclusive and respectful, etc. (i.e. like a normal, healthy man in love). Sorry, but someone who's trying to get it on with an ex or at least keep her waiting around in the belief they'll get it on, and WHOOPS!-letting you find out too damned easily (to point of inviting) is not someone who is ready to be married in the healthy, lasting sense. And your inner animal knows that, hence is refusing to let you conceive, IMO. Further, you snooped because you knew things were very wrong. That's what intelligent people do when they can feel there's important decision-affecting data at large being kept from them despite their right to priviness.
What are you doing, trying for a baby before you've been married for a few years, anyway? Que? Cart before horse, anyone?
Go surfipoos and then report back.