Husband doesn’t fancy me
Me and my husband have been together 10 years,married for 3,we have two daughters 9 & 6, I’ve wanted another baby for about 3 or 4 years (never pressured him) and he always said he wasn’t ready...so after a while I just got on with life realising the fact it would never happen..except 2 months ago out of the blue he said he wanted a bother baby..so you can imagine my excitement...well,thing is,he wants another baby yet we havent had sex in about 4 months so really not sure how it is suppose to happen??
Now il come to why I write the title...please let me explain...
it’s not just the baby thing,it’s us in general,I work nights,very exhausting on my feet, 12 hours shifts 2 nights a week and have been for 5 years,hubby works 9-5 at home in front of a computer,completely different jobs (not saying his is easy,it’s not by any means)..so Iam tired all the time,I’m not a dirty person but I’m not overly clean either,my house is clean but sometimes messy especially with two kids..I do my housework in the morning (but by evening it’s a tip again) so once it’s done,I will sit on sofa and watch tv or read with a cuppa,while my husband works in the dining room doing his job,what upsets me is he comes in and moans and says I’m lazy,I just sit around all day on the sofa watching tv,that I only work 2 nights a week,and do sod all else,all I think about is food etc which really upsets me.
.I’m exhausted all the time,because he wanted a baby,I’ve came off my antidepressants (20mg citapram) and the mini pill,so my moods and tiredness have changed a lot,so I have become more lazy,ive always been a home person,never like being outside (my depression could be this reason) I’ve always been like this,yet he has a go at me for not wanting to go out,and I do try and make an effort for the kids sake,weekend we always try and do things as a family..we argue and picker about who’s turn it is to cook dinner and wash up etc..I every single night/morning have to iron the kids school uniform and make up kids pack lunches,read letters,read book and help with homework..all while he sits on his phone and Facebook,he doesn’t do any housework whatsoever,except a little washing up and occasionally (when I ask) put the bins bags out..he can be very selfish at times and he know this (but doesn’t always admit it) he can spend hundred of pound (even though we don’t really have the money) on his classic cars (2 or them) yet some months we struggle with money, he says at least he has a hobby..he hoovers the garage where he keeps his classic car yet the house could do with a good hoover over..now his broke it because of he amount of dirt and dust his hoovered up and god knows what else..there always seems to be a competition as to who’s worked more and done more at home and with the kids etc and it’s a battle every single day it gets exhausting.
I’m not a size 8 anymore,I’m now a size 16 so put on lots of weight due to babies and depression and working nights..which i know is why my hubby doesn’t come on to me at all,he once said when I was pregnant that he doesn’t fancy me when I fatter..really upset me at the time so I did lose weight once baby came along,but life takes it’s toll on me and I eat and became fat again,now we probably have sex once every 3-4 months (if I’m lucky) and that’s when I keep pestering him..and when we do finally make love,it’s amazing and wonderful and we cuddle for ages after wondering why we waited so long,but again we don’t do it again for months...I know its because he isn’t attracted to me anymore..he isn’t loving towards me,we don’t sit and cuddle anymore even though I ask for a cuddle or I lay on him just to get one,Ihe doesn’t tell me loves me as often anymore,he used to say he thinks I’m beautiful when I wake up from my sleep,but now since I’ve put this weight on,he hasnt said it at all,he used to grab my bum,boobs and body and hold me tight and play fight with me,he doesn’t do any of that anymore..I still fancy my hubby so much and tell him,maybe not as often as I should..when I feel disgusting and fat I don’t want to come on to him knowing very well he will turn me down like he has loads of time,which makes me feel even more fat and gross.
Now tonight hubby has now said he doesn’t think he wants another baby?? I asked why and he said he doesn’t have a reason?? I have said both in a serious note and a joking way “is it because you’ve got to have sex with me” and he tuts and that’s all the answer I get..i feel this will be the start of things serious now,he finally tells me his ready for another baby and now let’s me down,I feel so gutted and disappointed that a a baby won’t happen,and we probably shouldn’t now because of our relationship cracks that are appearing..I go to bed on my own every single night and am asleep before he comes to bed very late at night,and often he doesn’t come to bed at all..mostly due to me needing a good nights sleep due the night shifts.
I have nobody to talk to,my mum is I’ll so I wouldn’t want to talk about my marriage to her plus I don’t want her to see the bad things in my hubby when she thinks he is fantastic,I have no friends,I’m a very lonely person so I’ve come on here to let it all out hopingnit will help...I’m not sure what advice anyone can give,but I just need to vent it out
Oh, good grief, CustardCream! Everything, absolutely EVERYTHING you've described fits 100% in my opinion with the attitudes, behaviours, conduct and treatment of a Narcissistic Personality Disordered individual (co-morbid with Passive Aggression if you ask me) *OR* if this is only a recent, sudden (drastic) downturn, an adulterer or attempted-adulterer (via the PC, I'll bet) having to assuage his guilt by painting you rotten and impossible to live with (ergo, who *wouldn't* cheat on her, is the warped thinking when, in fact, there is ZERO justification for cheating because decent people ask for a serious discussion and joint tackling of the problem(s) and/or counselling, separation or divorce).
Here are the biggest glaring indicators:
- "except 2 months ago out of the blue he said he wanted a bother baby..so you can imagine my excitement...well,thing is,he wants another baby yet we havent had sex in about 4 months so really not sure how it is suppose to happen??"
Precisely. So it's just a 'carrot' to keep you hanging on in there. Or an insurance against you finding out what he's been up to behind your back and seeing a solicitor. Plus weakens you and your ability to stand up for yourself against him through KNOWING you'll have to come off the very crutch that would keep you stronger in that respect.
GO BACK ON THE CITALOPRAM IMMEDIATELY!
- You're exhausted (little wonder), he's not. Plus the house is at his fingertips. Yet he doesn't take up the slack (or any slack!). Yet still feels entitled to berate his free housekeeper, nanny, co-earner, and bottle-washer for not doing HIS fair share as well as your own.
- He creates problems (breaks 'expensive' hoover but doesn't fix or replace it), doesn't help prevent or solve them, in fact, exacerbates them by tying up money for selfish pursuits (this is partly so he can keep having at a go at you for the fact the house isn't being hoovered).
- Levels horrid names and labels at you, chips away constantly at your self-esteem. (Yeah, great 'husband' - don't everyone rush, now.)
- "he once said when I was pregnant that he doesn’t fancy me when I fatter." *Highly* uniquely characteristic Narc insult (and confidence-smashing tactic).
- Runs you ragged yet still tries to guilt and shame or 'threaten' you into running yourself even more ragged.
- Keeps you hooked and in the game with JUST ENOUGH brilliant sex that so convincingly feels like proof of love thus a reason to stay and keep banging your head against a brick wall, BUT IS NOT, is just another highly characteristic NPD tactic. (After all, how can he have the love he professes to hold and express for you in the bedroom if in the rest of the rooms he's treating you like an unpaid slave towards whom he oft has nothing but contempt?)
- Sets you up deliberately to knock you down (the another baby promise...and of course he hasn't got a reason because his only reason is TO ABUSE YOU by playing with your head and your hopes and dreams whilst having ensured you lacked said crutch and safetynet).
- Uses anything you care about to hit you over the head with (now sex).
YOUR MOTHER THINKS HE'S FANTASTIC? Well, I think he's a rhymes-with-punt. So what does that make your mother? Is that because he shows her only his Nice Guy public face and charms her?
No, you don't need to just vent it out. You need to make a lifestyle change so that you no longer have such a crippling need to vent. No wonder you're depressed, with no-where to put it except contain until it starts eating you up from the inside.
Be honest, this isn't a marriage. It's the antithesis of one. You are most certainly *not* gross and fat. But if you believe or feel you are, that's a sore nerve for him to target (again, what a Narc does). Because if you ask me, he sounds as if he's basically trying to day after day chip away at you until there's nothing left. Agree?
CustardCream, your husband is just horrid. JUST A GRADE A BULLY AND EXPLOITER-USER. Don't you think? Or are you (ref your belief that your mother would FOR ANY REASON take his side rather than her own daughter's!) so inured to living day-in-day-out with this type of constant unkindness and lack of love and care and help that you're too used to it to be capable of being as shocked and appalled at his nasty attitudes and behaviour towards his so-called soulmate as I am?
He's a BEEP. He picks at you, creates situations that allow him to pick on you, exacerbates or creates problems then blames you, acts like he doesn't give a single sh*t that you're physically and mentally on your knees, let alone is willing to help you, has no compassion for you, is financially irresponsible (and just all-round irresponsible) doesn't even behave like someone who LIKES you, let alone loves you and wants you to be in constantly good nick, and mentally devastates you (baby) into the bargain.
Just...UGH. That's not a marriage or love, that's slavery conducted in a torture chamber! You're his emotional punchbag and workhorse. No wonder you choose to work nights despite in no position to - it's you subconsciously trying to minimize the amount of time you have to interact with him.
Be honest. Be brutally honest. This guy seems to be trying to kill you, spirit-first in drip-drip fashion. Tell me that doesn't fit, go on?
So now how do you feel, reading the reactions of a healthy'un?
Was that too strong, CC? Has it sent you reeling or made you feel your preferred aim of venting it out isn't an option? If so - nope. You can vent and chat for as long as you like. But I just wanted to confirm that you're not wrong in all that you sense, and give it all a self-empowering (and him-disempowering) label, so that you're sure about what you face dealing with/ridding yourself of OR finding coping mechanisms for.
But I don't think I went O.T.T. because today I still feel as appalled as I did yesterday (and that's the acid test) (why am I telling you, the victim-target that, duh.)
Come on. Talk to me.