Getting back or getting over my ex boyfriend
My ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago, since then he has become very cold and distant towards me. We work in the same office for different companies and I am finding it very difficult. I tried no contact after crying and begging for him to talk to me which only seemed to annoy him. We didn't speak for 30 days and only politely said hi if we bumped into one another.
I really want him back, when we broke up he said he needed space and couldn't be in a relationship right now. His relationship with his ex was very serious and he said he was unhappy for a long time, there was an overlap between the end of his previous relationship and the start of ours. It was very intense from the start mostly initiated by him, I have met all his family and friends and we spent a lot of time doing most things together for 7 months. After a few months he started getting more distant with me and not wanting to see or make plans with me only with his friends and family. I felt like I became a low priority and out of desperation I nagged him about it all the time, it was clear he wasn't ready for a relationship but didn't want to admit it.
After we broke up I asked him if he didn't want to be with me anymore and he said it wasn't that he didn't want to be with me but he was unhappy in himself and didn't like the fact that he couldn't make me happy either. He has said who knows about the future but right now he cannot be with anyone. After I did 30 days no contact I started messaging him again, he always replied but it was in a cold and distant manner. We have had friendly and in depth conversations but he is still very distant. He has recently been flirting with a new girl he works with loudly in the office, he acts overly happy all the time laughing and joking with everyone, mainly the new girl, all day long but when I message him he seems to be very cold. I know he has been talking to girls online and suspect that he is seeing one he may like as they have been liking all of each others social media posts and commenting on each others pictures.
I have asked him to meet up with me but he always says he is busy, recently he has been replying to my messages less and less and it seems like I am bothering him. He says he is busy or asleep when I know he isn't, sometimes he does not reply for 22 hours. I really want to meet up and have he closure conversation to put my mind at rest, I want to feel reassured that I meant something to him and for him to be honest about his feelings for me. I feel so stuck between not knowing if I have a chance with him or if I should give up. He will not commit to meeting up with me or even just speaking on the phone, he acts like I am just bothering him and says he does not know what I want from him because we broke up. I told him my reasons for wanting to talk and explained that I was finding the work situation difficult to deal with.
I am finding getting over him when I have to see him everyday incredibly hard, it is making me crazy and I cannot even concentrate at work. I just wish he would stop acting like nothing ever happened between us because it makes me feel like I was nothing to him. I am having a lot of anxiety and he is pretty much all I think about.
I really want to move on but as soon as I see him at work it just throws me back and I just want to talk to him. Its like he turned his feelings for me off with a switch and is now pretending that nothing ever happened which is what is hurting me the most. I feel like if he admitted that he had feelings for me and apologised for the way he acted that I would feel better and move on easier. The fact that he just shut me out and wont talk to me suddenly is driving me crazy and making me desperate.
I don't want to feel this way, I have tried to hard to forget about him and move on but I cant. I have read many books, followed lots of online advice, I have gotten new hobbies, been on dates etc etc but nothing is helping because I have to see him everyday and he doesn't acknowledge that it might be hard for me.
What can I do????
If it was clear he didn't want a relationship (despite having cranked you up) then why are you bothering?...as if I didn't know...
Note what he did to his prior girlfriend: backed out like a snake by cheating on her and lilypad-leaping (to seamlessly avoid the effort of having to swim around in the singleton water for a relatively lengthy period until he naturally came across another pad). I doubt she even knew he was two-timing her. From her perspective it probably just felt like ...how you feel now and ever since three months in. And with that behaviour capability, I doubt he's *ever* wanted a relationship.
So it's a pattern with him, isn't it, which escaped your notice.
"After we broke up I asked him if he didn't want to be with me anymore and he said it wasn't that he didn't want to be with me but he was unhappy in himself and didn't like the fact that he couldn't make me happy either. "
Oh did he. What a line! It just translates to, You won't put up and shut up at my shoddy treatment of you, so I'm done with you (not completely, only as a gf with rights). He wanted a casual relationship (to give him room to two-time, I'm betting) but didn't want his partner to treat *him* with the ardour and effort levels befitting a casual, hence first deliberately cranked you up and set you up into having high feeling for him in order to guarantee you eventually sticking around and taking Less Than as you continued to give fully...so that he could have his cake and eat it (all the perks, virtually none of the work).
You basically, with your nagging, said, No way, Jose (good for you!). So you're nigh-on useless as a doormat (have a medal!).
'Who knows'...maybe one day but probably maybe soon, blah-blah. He says he's busy but really, he just doesn't want to, yet at the same time doesn't want to be a gentleman about it and set you free to find a proper boyfriend. Course not. That would put paid to his having you at his convenient disposal (whenever), because he's nothing *like* a gentleman. Standard plot and script from a self-centred, selfish, manipulative, user type like him who's organising himself a convenient little harem. That "over-not-over" mixed signalling is intended to keep you from being capable of detaching, so that if ever he wants or needs he can just reach into his toybox come torture chamber and take you out to play with/manipulate/torture again (to feed his puny ego some sense of power). You, meanwhile, being still too attached and deliberately starved and over-focused on chasing after crumbs, would find it impossible to feel like finding someone else *or* feeling confident enough to go it alone.
He's set you up to be the first (or another?) member of his harem. I say 'another' because at that 3 month point, he was using the free time he'd contrived to chase after and set up other women. Common stuff. Sadly.
And now - ref girl at office and the others - you can actually *see* him working on members B, C, and probably D, E and F as well (off-camera). And doing so right in your face so as to make you writhe on the floor that much more (to smash your remaining, irritatingly stubborn (hurrah!) confidence so that you'll finally wait QUIETLY like a good little s*x-slave).
It could be that he always intended on a secret harem or it could be that the idea occurred to him (got given him?) at month 3. My bet's the former. He was probably still seeing and stringing along his ex, behind your back, anyway, going by how he eased out of her room. (Do you even know for a FACT that she's past history?)
He hasn't given up trying to keep you locked in the toybox/harem waiting-room, but you are proving to be a bit too much like hard work and hassle (hurrah!), hence his keeping a real distance YET NOT, NOTE, doing what he could so easily AND LOGICALLY (IF WE BELIEVED HIS GUMPH) do, which is....JUST FAIL TO REPLY WHATSOEVER so as to actually *do* We're Over. After all, it's not like he's loath to be brutal and rude, is it. So he's keeping you going with as few crumbs of hope and attention as possible.
Like you rightly observe, this Player has got you acting like a total desperado (which *clearly* you're unused to and dislike majorly or wouldn't *be* here, would just be carrying on merrily...hurrah! again). Little wonder when he tricked you into his 'lovely' house and then into his sh*tty basement, locked you in, and then began drastically reducing your food down to mere crumbs, whereupon you started starving and chasing him around the room for whatever extra crumbs you could nag and beg him into throwing you from arm's length whenever he deigned to enter (to check up on your still-attached/compliant status). Look at how, for someone who doesn't want anyone, he doesn't half do a good impression of someone who wants *everyone*, eh!
He didn't switch his feelings off. He never HAD the feelings or depth of that he professed. Simple as that. Had he - even if they'd since left him - no *way* would he be able to mentally and emotionally string along, mistreat and torture you like this. Now what you're seeing is what he's REALLY like (ugh) under the Great Guy veneer. He's never, ever going to apologise because he doesn't give a sh*t about how he behaves or your feelings...he just did a very convincing act when priming you. Simple as that too.
And it MAY be that you dodged a Narcissistic Personality Disordered bullet and a whole heap of *worse* self-destruction at his hands. Either that or someone (insane) helpfully gave him the manual for how to fashion yourself a whole harem of desperate and grateful one-way-casual gfs (i.e. free prostitutes). Don't know. Why don't you google The Narcissistic Boyfriend and find out, see if you recognise all the other characteristic attitudes and behaviours? But, no-one *ever* gets closure/reassurance from an NPD; they get a thrill at withholding it and keeping you warm and writhing in agony on the side(-side-side). Maybe the books (on NPDs) are the ones that would give you your closure? Try YouTube as well. Basically, thanks to an increase in these Cluster B (Type Malignant) mental illnesses, there's a whole revolution going on through the media in how to recognise, understand, dodge, deal, dump, recover from any intimate relationship with one, etc.
But here's your immediate problem: Despite you know *you* should dump *him*, you would rather prostrate yourself than face what you sense will be major pain of heartbreak. FYI, that's an illusion (typical of this highly common set-up scenario) - that *he* created in you when he "Love-Bombed" you. Once you dump him, that pain won't last half as long or be half as intense as you think it will (because rapid, artificial bonding unravels too quickly too easily). Here's your other problem: you're incensed and want revenge (dump him back). Which is understandable. But if you faced that fact (that you're still intrinsically an animal like the rest of humankind), gone would be your motivation to keep expending all this emotional effort. So you kid yourself you're still into him and in-love with him in order to keep yourself from naturally and inevitably losing interest in said revenge with each passing week, otherwise.
Dump the dud. You don't have to get BACK with him to dump him. Just text/email, Ugh, you're dumped, don't talk to me ever again. It'll probably send him into a complete lather (and if it does - THERE'S YOUR PROOF OF HIS BEING NPD...NARCISSISTIC RAGE, IT'S CALLED) because he thought he had all the power, was the puppeteer to your puppet...and puppets don't dump their puppetmasters!....do they?
They do when they're nothing like a puppet and have a long-proven 'anti-Narc' advising them. :-)
As to the work situation, you have a choice: you can grit your teeth and wait a few more weeks until you naturally feel that UGH! for-real (guaranteed). Or you can start to look for another job. Unless a transfer to another dept. and room (or better yet, floor) is possible? (Now you know one of the reasons why too many companies have a No Dating staff policy).
Re your anxiety, what would help would be some (award-winning) EPA/DHEA Omega Fish Oil capsules (try Healthspan or any other online health supplement co.) at 1200mg daily. Should take roughly only 2 weeks for your said UGH! switch in attitude to kick in and for you to feel like a new woman (who feels like a new man and when looking at him, wonders what on earth she ever saw in him).
And in future, know WHY the advice is to never start a relationship with someone who's already in one or only too recently out of one. And now you ALSO know that, if someone's saying it's over but acts in ways that show they don't want you to feel and act the same, it's because they want to keep you - newly demoted - for convenience, all on their terms and s*d yours and your feelings. A Manipulationship.
Does that help already?
I've been where you are! I could go on and on! However, I will just say. You will make it through this. Just keep working through this and one day, it will be better. Trust me!
Ignore person calling himself KING DOUG'S deplorably class-less post, it'll be deleted very soon.
Wow! I could “almost” feel your crushed spirit, your longing heartache and your desperation to move on...
You are feeling STUCK in a bad relationship. RUN!
So, what are you looking for in a relationship? A best friend: who is faithful, committed, willing to protect your heart/life and ready to catch you when you fall (in love)?
This bf sounds like the wrong person for you! Accepting this as a loss, could be a blessing.
Do you really want to live another 5 minutes or 5 years, feeling this pain? If he ever does want you back, for how long?
You are riding a roller coaster with missing tracks ahead? GET OFF before you crash.
May I ask you, if you are a person of faith? God loves you and created you with a purpose and He’ll help you through this trial if you give Him a chance?
I’m sending you a link below: Hoping for Closure today and new beginnings tomorrow.
Please keep me posted. My heart goes out to you.