Good morning, I’m in need of some advice on my relationship. I’ve been in a same sex relationship since January of 2015 with the same partner but it’s had its ups and downs over the years some of them we seemed to make it through while the current situations we just seem to be at a standstill and no one seems to want to fix it or want to leave. I will start from the beginning we do have an age difference I’m 31 and he’s 23 we weren’t expecting to date each other seriously from the beginning it was just hanging out and we or me I’m not sure grew fond of each other. A few months into us dating I found out that he was cheating on me with other guys through anonymous hook ups at parks and mall bathrooms. I was beyond hurt upon finding out especially since I was faithful to him and honest.
He stated it was a problem and he was working on fixing it so I stayed he went to SAA meetings for a couple of weeks and stopped. At this time he assured me it wasn’t an issue anymore but what I discovered was he just stopped going to those particular parks or malls and he was going to others instead. He again went back to SAA meetings and I stayed this was pretty much throughout the summer of 2015. At this point he moved in with me due to his family situation (their house burned down) the goal was he would move out at the end of the summer on campus or somewhere with a roommate. From summer 2015 to May of 2016 I was completely under the impression everything was better he wasn’t going to any parks or engaging in activities with people other than myself. I was wrong and completely thrown off guard by what I found out.
The first thing I found out was that he at that time for the past two weeks was secretly speaking to another person who he met at a Casino in a bathroom behind my back via Snapchat (Snapchat doesn’t save messages so I wouldn’t have been able to see them). They had engaged in sexual activities in the bathroom and honestly I don’t know what else occurred as I didn’t see any of the messages. I threw him out but I felt bad about where he would go and so on so I decided to let him stay for the weekend and I just left town and tried to gather my thoughts. I went to NYC for the weekend but was unable to stay because I was so distraught when I saw who the person was so I looked the person up on Snapchat and found out that there were at the Casino. I drove back to Maryland (3 hour drive) and went to the Casino to confront the person who was nice to me and wasn’t aware that he was dating someone.
While speaking to the person they advised me that my boyfriend had been engaging with his friend (who was also there in the restroom that night) at school. I felt so betrayed because here I was thinking the whole entire time from summer 2015 until then that he was being faithful and our relationship was getting better but I was wrong. I was prescribed antidepressant medication because I was honestly unable to function at that time. I went to counseling with him at that point we tried going together and going individually this lasted until December of 2016. He took me out of town for my birthday in July of this year and it was a very good birthday he booked the hotel, bought a birthday cake, and so on I felt good that day. I initially thought it was working but he returned to the bathrooms a couple of more times during counseling and SAA meetings I believe in June, July, and August all of 2016. I decided to have an honest sit down with him to try and get the whole truth from him about everything during this time as well he admitted that he messed with other guys throughout our relationship at school among other places.
I was under the impression again trying to trust in him that everything was going well so we continued at our relationship. I was hoping to finish my Master’s degree in February of 2017 but I didn’t end up finishing it until April my family still wanted to do something since they took the days off and so they went to Atlanta. I decided to join them while I was in Atlanta with my family he returned to the same restroom at school. He returned to counseling again and then just eventually stopped going completely. During this time he told me that it wasn’t just one occasion at school with the individuals he messed with it was multiple occasions over a year.
When I finished my Master’s in April I remember one of my friend’s asking me whether we (my boyfriend and I) was going to do something to celebrate it. I replied probably not because he’s not a planner so nothing will happen. At that time it didn’t dawn on me how unacceptable that was because if he just passed all of his classes for a semester I would take him out to eat or buy him a card. I acknowledge all of his successes whether they are big or small. If it’s his birthday I plan it months ahead like literally mapping out my paychecks so I know when I can afford to pay for the hotel, book the flights, etc. A few months go by and I had a severe panic attack after eating an edible (yes I was wrong for eating something I didn’t know what it was) I had him take me to urgent care they weren’t able to help me because I was panicking very bad he was there I called for him to come with me in the room they brought him in hopes it would help me calm down so my vitals would come down to a normal level while we wait on an ambulance to come.
While they were going to get him one of them asked me who he was yes we both are DL we aren’t but I honestly didn’t care in that moment I felt that was it for me and in that moment I felt he was all I had so I said he’s my boyfriend. They brought him in and announced him as such but he was very standoffish to me he wasn’t responding to me or talking back to me just very cold in that moment. The ambulance comes and takes me out on a stretcher and I ask for him to ride with me because I was very afraid something was going to happen to me and I didn’t want to be alone he told me he needed his car and he would follow me there. We could have easily caught an Uber or Lyft back to his car but he was so focused on driving his car. While I was in the ambulance the EMTs were helping me but also talking about me and my sexuality while I was not in a state to defend myself. I walked away from this moment feeling like if I really needed him he would not be there for me.
The next week was my birthday he had nothing planned he got me a card with a hand written note on a napkin and some blown up pictures of me and our dog. I’m not trying to compare gifts or compare birthdays but his previous birthday I took him to Miami. He did have a situation where he had to pay for something for his car that same week but however it doesn’t excuse him for not planning because had he planned everything would have been handled. He claims “You have everything I don’t know what to get you.” I’m a very simple guy he could have planned a nice dinner with my friends and I or just me and him but it was left up to me to decide everything last minute for my birthday.
I am today in November in a place where I have lost pretty much all care for the situation and I deeply regret a lot of the decisions I made to stay with him because he continues to show me day by day that he doesn’t love me or at least love me to the level that I love him. I come home from work I cook or make sure that I grab food for both of us to eat but it’s not returned. He works 4 days out of the week and goes to school 5 days so he’s pretty much gone most of the time and we honestly only really spend a few hours a week together. I stopped having sex with him almost two months ago due to the lack of affection, lack of pulling his weight in the relationship, and honestly my fading interest in him.
We have a dog together or as he says “that’s your dog” he’s very good with the dog and the dog loves him but I assume from his comments he will be ok either way whether the dog is in his life or not in his life. We do currently have a lease on the apartment together but I pay all of the bills so technically it’s my apartment. I am just at a point where I honestly don’t see any future with him anymore or maybe I am just now finally seeing that there never was any future with him. He doesn’t want a future with me he wants to move out once he graduates and live on his own after being in an almost three year relationship I would assume we would build our lives together now that neither one of us is in school but that’s not what he wants. I know when speaking of people you shouldn’t only speak negatively of them so some positive things are he is a very good person to his family and friends he’s dependable to them. As far as I know he’s no longer messing with other people in restrooms or anything but I honestly have no solid proof of that and I just have lost all energy in attempting to find out whether he is or not. If I was a betting person I would honestly put money on that he is probably still doing it in some shape or form. I love him but I’ve come to realize that as much as I love him I have to love myself more and I do love myself more now. I just don't know how to walk away.
Events and actions over the past 2 years have let you realize that this guy is not for you, simply because of who he is. Age differences don't come into it, rather it's about being with someone who reciprocates your love for them and this guy never did and never will.
You really don't have to walk away, he'll continue to do that(he started a long time ago)once he graduates or sooner if an opportunity comes along which he sees as a better deal. You can be rest assured that, yes, he still is messing with others but you're now at a place where it's no longer a concern to you because you have started to move on from him. On reading between the lines of your post, there's parts which indicate that you're walking away already and that your head space is in the right place for you to heal and learn from it all.
You come across as a decent guy in your post and down the track, you'll meet someone who will respect you and love you for who you are. In the meantime, you need to be kind to yourself to be able to care of yourself and rebuild your confidence so you eventually will be able to trust others again.
I'm very-...no, I'm not, I'm GOBSMACKINGLY impressed with your incredible mental musclepower, ICBETTER. Shame it got wasted for a while on that evil idiot, eh. Imagine what you'd be able to achieve without that energy-sucking monkey off your back!
You'll find giving him a label *very* helpful. So you need to start a journey on the net to educate yourself, including how to dump safely. This guy's a Sociopath (psycho minor). I would have said Malignant Narcissist or with some other "Cluster B" mental illness, were it not for the huge risk-taking he indulges in. So start from here:
And feel free to keep chatting with us in order to talk a load of it out of your system and help you heal that much faster.