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Still don't like her

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Emotional advice Hello,

I'm Emma and I'm 15. I've been on here before and posted about my mam and what's she's been like to me since like forever. The last time I posted my mam and dad broke up and moved back in with my nan. I wanted to move in with my nan too and my dream came true in the summer when they let me. I still love living with my nan and dad. My dad is now is a nice person without my mam and we've been hanging out. He used to be stressed out all the time and copy my mam in the way she used to act and speak to me. My dad said sorry for this and I forgave him. My older sister is exactly the same as my mam and if I went anywhere with them they would bully me together and I would of done nothing wrong.

I've seen my mam once since I've moved in with my nan, we met up in a town near to my nan, and my nan hung around the shops. My mam was really nice to me first, she hugged me when she saw me, she never used to hug or kiss me. She tried to buy me things but I said no thank you. She wanted to buy me a lot of stuff and she seemed angry when I said no but she didn't shout at me.
Before I met up with my nan again my mam ruined things by complaining we only had a couple of hours together, which is all I wanted. Then told me telling me my nan was nasty and my dad was pathetic and a wimp and one day I'll go running back to her. My nan and dad aren't naythinb of those things and I got up and left her. That was real hard to do, I don't know why because I hated her at that point. Me cousellor was well shocked when I told her that.

My sister has been coming to my nan less to see my dad, she doesn't come to see me. Last time she came she called me lots of names and told me how upset my mam was from she last saw me. My nan and dad told her off.

I have been feeling bad since but I did nothing wrong, I didn't want my mam to buy me anything I wanted her to say sorry. I'm confused because I don't think I even like her and I don't think. I ever will. I know hate is a strong word but I feel it. Then sometime I miss her, she was only ever nice to me on my birthday and Christmas and I remember those two days.

I don't know what to do I tried meeting her and nothing changed

Still don't like her

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Of course you remember holiday presents from your mom and that is a pleasant memory from the past because you were a little girl.

Now you are grown and want a quality, authentic relationship with her - but she doesn't know how. So she tries to do what worked in the past by trying to give you presents.

By understanding this, now you don't have to get angry. You just need to know that she is at a loss at how to communicate with her. She doesn't have anything of emotional value to give you, so she goes to anger, too. And so does sister. They are frustrated.

How about using a counseling session where both of you can calmly express what you'd like from each? A joint counseling session might help where presents and anger are not allowed!

Still don't like her

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Hi Emma. As exciting as being a teenager can be, it also has its challenges. One of the biggest challenges is relational. You are not alone and thanks for sharing your concerns.

SUSIEDQQ’s observations may be pretty accurate. Just because we grow up chronologically, doesn’t mean we grow up emotionally. Some of us just cannot demonstrate true feelings appropriately or at the correct time. Sometimes we disguise what we really feel with sarcasm or anger and that can be very destructive.

To your credit you have offered to meet with your mom despite current emotions. Good for you. Have you attempted to “talk” with your mom, not at her, but with her? As tough as it may be, are you able to tell her exactly how you feel regarding her past behavior with you and her current manners?

Your confusion is normal. Every one of us is inherently close to our parents, regardless of their ability to be good parents. It is healthy for you to feel close to her emotionally but wish to remain distant until her behaviors become more “motherly”.

I hope this reduces the pain of your separation and gives you hope for reconciliation. Keep us informed on how all this works out.

Still don't like her

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I'll tell yous a bit more so you get me, my mam has always been like this with me for like ever. I'm not lying when I say I don't remember her being to nice to mE, it felt like she didn't like me. I have anxiety which makes my mam really mad with me. She used to smack me When I got anxious and for no reason. She'd say stuff like she's gives up on me and that it was difficult to have me as a daughter but I never did anything. My sister has always been the favourite and my mam showed that by always taking her side on arguments, and took her out shopping buying her stuff and leaving me out all the time and at home because when we used to go shopping I would get panicky in shopping centres. Me nan has always been there, her and my mam don't get along, she's pleased my dad and mam are together anymore. I am too because I live with my nan I don't have to see my mam and sister. I feel sad because I want a nice mam and sister.

My mam lives a while away from me So Won't be able to make counselling. She doesn't like counsellors either, when I told her I go to counselling she says it's pointless and a waste of money, she's wrong because I'm better within me self. I've not really spoken to my mam much since I saw her she calls but I ignore the phone call. I know she wants me to go stay with her at weekends but I won't go back to my old home because it was where she was horrible to me and I think she'll be horrible again, my dads told her that but my mam says she want to hear it from me but I can't tell her she'll get mad. My dad and nan say they aren't going to make me either. I want it to change but I don't think it will

Still don't like her

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Thanks for responding, Emma. OK, so maybe it is more of a personality disorder with your mom, not a maturity issue. Regardless of the reason, no child should ever be abused either physically or emotionally by an adult, let alone a parent. I wish I could fix this, but I can’t. However, I can care.

It sounds like you are currently safe with your dad and nan (aunt?). It also appears you will be staying in this environment so let’s explore some things you can do to help you cope with the emotional loss and absence of your mother.

First of all, it sounds like your mother is only a phone call away. Visitation can be on your terms and conditions when and if you are ready and with Dad’s participation. That may help with the emotional and physical distance between you and your mom.

Secondly, counseling is good. Counselors can often help you understand your feelings (sadness, anger, loneliness, etc) may be the result of how you perceive things. In other words, what you think is what you believe and therefore feel. That, however, may not be the truth. Explore with your counselor all reasons regarding your mother’s current and past behaviors. It is possible, maybe probable, she is the one that needs to change, not you.

Another way, but a very difficult way, to improve your relationship with your mother and help you cope with the past, is forgiveness. You cannot change what has happened and you are safe in your current environment. As I mentioned in my previous post, children have an inherent love for a parent (caregiver), regardless of how they were/are treated. Forgiveness is one way to help square this love and the pain you feel.

What are your thoughts on this?

Still don't like her

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Hey Emma,

I remember replying to one or two of your threads before. I’m pleased you got where you wanted to live in the end and didn't have to wait you were old enough to be able to move out.

Firstly, it’s good that your dad has realised and acknowledged what it was like for you when we’re all living under the same roof. Even better that he said sorry and you forgave him, it means that you and him can move forward. Sounds like he could of be controlled by your mum, is that right?

It does sound like your Mum only knows how to say sorry to you by buying you things and now you’re showing her that’s not good enough anymore by saying no when she tried to. Don’t worry if she gets angry it’s just that she’s not used to hearing no from you, maybe she needs to hear it from you a few more times!

It sounds like she knows she’s done wrong but can’t bring herself to say sorry or it’s too hard for her and can’t even to begin to acknowledge how she’s treated you.

I would take it slow with her. See her again when you’re ready and don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. I think she needs to gain some trust with you and learn to treat and speak to you like to deserve to be. I don’t know if a letter to her would work?

With your sister, I would let you Dad and nan deal with her and let her learn that when she comes to visit, her shouting at you in your nans house (coz it’s your home too) isn’t on. Be civil towards her and when she can manage to be civil back to you, a relationship with her can start :-).

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