How to relax my mind?
am I weird, for liking to cut my wrist?
I am a 18 soon to be 19y.o, third of 4 child in the family. I lived far from home because of college, and I feel like I spend a lot of money for my living cost here. yet I can do nothing because it is hard to find part time jobs and my classes started at 7am and ended at 6 pm.
my papa like to lied about having no money. but he bought things, anything, without asking our opinion first. like he bought a place for marketing but the position wasn't strategic, but he was so hard headed and that bussiness went brankupt. it happened again and again and he still is being the same hard headed.
one time my mama cried and said she couldn't sent me money so I spent a month starving. the worst, it was a month where a lot of bills needed to be paid. my apartment rent, my study cost. and it was because my sister opposed my papa's decision to buy a new bussiness place. and he sulked so he didn't give mama money for monthly fees.
my sister and mama keep saying "You don't have to think about us here and do your study well and graduate fast" but how can I when my mama called me and cried, and so did my sister? it keep lingering on my head that cutting my wrist becaming a habit. how to end this habit?
I can sense from your post that you have taken on a lot of responsibility with your program of study, and feel a lot of pressure to pull this off without the financial support you expected and need. You might further feel burdened with your mother and sister calling to lean on you by sharing their emotion. You did not say this, but you might also be angry toward your father for being so self-centered and not supporting you. So, to your point, cutting is not weird at all. Most people who cut feel pretty awful inside in a way that is hard to describe, feel a lot of pressure, trapped with no clear way to get out of the mess, and no one to talk to or have other outlets. The sensation and experience of cutting usually provides some momentary relief and release, and refocuses the inner pain to the tangible pain from the wound.
While not weird, cutting is not an effective short or long-term solution to anything, but only perpetuates a cycle of pain -relief -pain -relief. Plus, cutting can be risky and dangerous for infection, hitting a vein or artery, leaving scars.
For starters, here are a few things you might consider: (1) Is there a counseling center on campus? Talking to a counselor or mental health professional could provide needed support and resources for your situation. (2) There are many ways to relax one’s mind. The challenge is finding the one(s) that work for you -- mediation, guided imagery, yoga or martial arts, music, painting/coloring, a variety of physical activities, and deep breathing, etc. (3) Social networks are good too -- do you have friends and social things you do? (4) This may seem far- fetched if you are not spiritual, but people who have allowed Jesus into their lives have found a peace like no other. Jesus invites us to bring out cares to him, and if you know a bit about His story…He understands suffering in a very personal way.
You have taken a big first step by reaching out for help and understanding. I will be praying that you find a way through your situation, and would be interested in how you are doing.