Please help me find some sort of closure I need advice
I don't have anyone to speak to because I'm ashamed.
If you are anti abortion then please don't read this post.
I was with my ex boyfriend for 7 years. (I'm 30 he's 34)
When we broke up we still saw each other 3/4 times a week but after doing this for 3 years we decided to try and let go.
We loved each other but we wanted different things in life. He was addicted to his sport and I wanted to spend more time together outside of his sport.
I found out that he was seeing a younger girl (22) and when I confronted him, he said she was irrelevant. (they are members of the same sports club)
The reason we were talking again is because he told me he wanted us to be together - for good.
We decided after talking for a month that we did want to be together so he broke up with her and we got back together but it only lasted a week.
He turned up on my doorstep saying that he couldn't change and that he was selfish and decided that she was 'convenient' in his life. She's a student/young/ hasn't travelled or done much with her life...but the one thing they have in common is a passion for this sport.
I was devastated because I let all my emotions go and I had completely decided that this was it and that I wanted to make it work. I begged him to reconsider and asked him to give it more than a week. We were together for 10 years and he gives us 1 week to get back together? I couldn't work out why I had been so emotional until I realised a few weeks later that I was pregnant. A complete shock because we only had sex once and I took the morning after pill to be extra safe as I wasn't on the pill since we broke up. (we'd always been safe apart from this one 'get back for good' moment of passion. I even sent him a picture of the pill in my hand before I took it.
A month had passed since he broke it off (he went running back to her - probably never dumped her) and I was left with the words from him saying he'll support my decision, but ' you don't want to be a single mum, do you?'
He was supportive throughout the time it took to get a termination but I had to wait 2 weeks but I couldn't cope with my emotions. I'd never felt lonelier because he was with her and I never imagined I would end up in this situation and be alone. The thought of her touching my baby was too much. I just couldn't stop crying. He was the one person I trusted - my best friend. The man I wanted to marry until he just went running back to a more convenient relationship. I was so upset that I had to leave the Country and I asked him to pay for my flight to Bali. I didn't tell anyone except my best friend and I just left. I barely heard from him whilst I was away for 6 days.
I just needed time to think and be as far away from reality as possible.
After the termination (he came with me) I told him I needed space but I had many complications and I even became hospitalised on Christmas eve when I was visiting my mum for Christmas - i had to tell her at 3am that the ambulance was coming to get me because I was loosing pints of blood. - not the Christmas present she was hoping for. I lost 8 kgs in 2 months, many more complications with my body, which took 5 months to fully heal.
It was awful. We don't talk about what happened. No-one does and on NYE last year I called him and I said I couldn't be in contact anymore. He had the cheek to say that he wished things had been different and that he had broken down at work and in front of his colleagues about it.
Almost a year later I can't seem to get over what happened. I keep seeing her on my cycle commute to work and I even saw them in a bar together but I walked out without them seeing me ( we live in a similar area) and it just tears me apart. It's been a whole year and I have good and bad days. I've even tried dating and have dated 2-3 lovely Men that i cant fault but I can't open up to anyone because I'm worried this will happen again.
I seem to break down crying at any point and I also feel guilty. I wonder what he/she would have looked like and it eats me up. I would have kept it if he had been over the moon and wanted it with me.
I also miss him. I dream about him finding me and begging for forgiveness in hope that he will but in reality I know that I could never and would never go back there.
I just don't know when I'm going to get over this. I truly thought I'd be over it by now.
i want to help you
Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it. I have tried to go to a counselling session but before I arrived I got cold feet and turned away. My local library does sessions every Wednesday I just felt selfish going there to talk about my problems. I'm healthy and I'm thankful for many things in my life but the thought of talking about this out loud with a stranger terrifies me of their judgement.
I live in the same area still because most of my friends are here and so is my business. Moving away would be difficult (I'm a personal trainer) so finding new clients further away would be very hard.