I met Arush 9 months ago on facebook and since then we've been talking for 3 hours or more per day. He was a hideous guy at first and all we did was talking dirty, flirting and laughing together. We have never met but I'm soon going to shift in his city when the meeting would become possible.
Just after 1 month of when we started talking, his father got ill. During that time, he didn't come online but I called him whenever possible and my words consoled him to such an extent that after a month he was ready to come online and chat with me again. Things had changed now. He was no more the flirty horny guy I'd known. Most of my time went on in consoling him and making him feel strong about his ill father. We started talking sense, emotional stuff, secrets, serious thoughts and things other than sex. And soon I started falling for him.
I'm a very expressive person. I let him know what I feel for him. He had made it clear before also that he doesn't believe in love and has no such feelings for anyone and even me. At first, I agreed that it didn't really matter. It was my feelings and he won't have to feel burdened from them. But it didn't work. I made endless efforts to make him feel that way for me...whether it was giving him the best birthday gift or making him feel light when he was in tears. It didn't result in love but I was able to win his trust.
I had made friends with all his friends and one of them was close to me. He was Arush's ex's ex who had tried to commit suicide when he got to know about his cheating girlfriend. She was Arush's best friend for like 5 years and he was very close to her. I gradually had come to know about the pathetic things she'd done. She first cheated Arush's brother with Arush. Then they came into a relationship and then she left Arush and moved to this suicide guy and cheated on him also. She suddenly broke her friendship with Arush and then he confessed to me that he was also involved in cheating the suicide guy with her. He wasn't ready to confess how wrong he was and how she had spoiled him.
I felt cheated for I believed he tells me everything but then things got unfolded and I came to know about his small and big lies. He brawled with him about it and in anger he left me saying that he doesn't find her wrong because he is in love with her. I was broken into pieces so just let him go. He came back after 2 days and told me how he was guilty for everything, apologized for his mistakes and said that he couldn't stay without me now. And like a Romeo I forgave him and believed him again. He made me felt love through all this and I was expecting somehting but things didn't turn out that way. He still said he doesn't love me but I'm the most important person in his life. Finally on a friend's advice I blocked him with a very long message that could make him realise how wrong he was for betraying his brother...the suicide guy and all.
I was trying to move on and made a boyfriend. I realised how I was looking for Arush into him and how different he was. I realised how important Arush was for me and heard the news of Arush's father who had suddenly been admitted and was on the ventilator. I felt Arush needs me and messaged him. I was there everyday to console him and he was thankful to me for everything and even that mean message. He said I'd made him realise how wrong he was and that even if I don't believe it, he has changed. And like everytime, I believed him again. He appeared offline after two days. I asked his friends and got to know he had lost his father. It broke me down and led to a renewal of feelings that I'd locked up in a corner of my heart. I told my boyfriend and he said that snake stays a snake even if it changes it color and his loss won't change his feelings for me and should have no connection with my heart too. I agreed at that time but kept on feeling miserable until Arush's friends told me that he was better now.
I again used my talent of forming my feelings into beautiful words and wrote him a lovely message full of hope. He thanked me when he came online the next day. It was just ten days of dad's death and he'd come back just to talk to me. We started talking like we did before and I felt that he is the only guy I wanted. I broke up with my boyfriend hoping things will change. But it didn't happen yet again. At first, I was ready to stay friendzoned but then I fought him one night saying how difficult it was for me to stop my feelings when I was in so much of love with him. He got angry with me for like the first time in eight months. So angry that he went offline. I apologized and he came up with sarcastic remarks like "No I should be sorry that I don't feel for you. It's all my fault." After a month, again we'd a fight on the same thing. Out of anger I said "You don't want me because I'm not as pretty as you ex right?" and he who was angrier than me said that yes it was true.
He stayed angry for a week and didn't message and I didn't message for my ego was hurt. Then came his message apologizing and telling me that what he said wasn't true. He had decided not to talk to me ever again but he couldn't help it. He had no one to share feelings and emotions he has opened up with me. I was the most important person in his life and there was no one who could understand him better than me. I insisted that I won't forgive him this time and wanted to leave as I can't get hurt like this again and again. He begged me to stay and I kept the condition of love. He said it won't make me happy anyways because he didn't feel like that. I thought I'd leave but it struck me if I can move on without breaking the friendship.
He has always told me that I'm the ideal wife...the girl he dreams to be with and if I stay till then he would marry me. He has also promised that he is not getting into a relationship with anyone else if not me. He is addicted to me and has no one closer than me. He can't let me go and needs me in his life madly. He just doesn't say it but makes me feel so. He can go limits just to make me stay with him. But in the end he says I'm more than a friend but he never feels he is in love with me and make me his girlfriend. I'm still with him hoping someday he'd accept me...its the hope inside me that makes me stay and lets me get hurt.
Can't we win someone through efforts? Can't we make someone love us by getting them addicted to us? Can't we win someone's heart by becoming their lifeline?
Why can't he feel this way for me when I'm so important? Why do I come back at the same road again and again? Is there an end to this way or I'll be walking till I'm tired? Will he ever fall for me?
If not, what do I do? How do I kill my feelings? Should I leave again?
Why is this happening?
I'd go mad if I don't get a solution.
It's all so complicated and I never have the solution...