Help I’m lost and don’t know what to do
LOSTINMYOWNMIND - Nov 27 2017 at 18:08
A little background to understand my story... growing up I had a rough childhood(at least I thought it was) I went through a lot of mental abuse from my father. My father constantly cheated on my mother and treated her like garbage which then got drilled in my head that that’s how a man is suppose to treat a woman. I know otherwise now but still can’t seem to get it out of my head. He would tell me and my siblings that he was going to start a family with the other woman and that he could give two shits about us. Well long story short... every relationship I have been in I’ve been cheated on or used until recently...
I’ve met this amazing guy and we have been dating for almost a year now and living together for 9 months out of that. We met hit it off great and he asked me to move in with him and his two daughters. Things were going good until I got comfortable and started thinking about my past and that he’s just going to do the same thing to me that everyone else has. He’s never given me a reason not to trust him but I can’t seem to get my past out of my head. We are to the point where he just wants to walk away... I honestly don’t know what I would do if I lost him. But I also don’t know how to get over my issues and insecurities. I suffer from depression and anxiety. He also has had his fare share of depression too with having ptsd.
Every time I try to talk to him about anything that may be bothering me like him spending every waking second on his phone playing games he just ignores me and doesn’t want to talk or it turns into a huge arguement. All I ever wanted was for him to understand where I am coming from and why I act the way I do. I don’t know what more to do. I’ve seen a therapist, I’ve been out on medication, I stopped talking to my father...
Someone please give me some sort of advice so I don’t loose him completely...
Only those that have been diagnosed clinically depressed or with PTSD can truly understand the pain and anxiety someone like you endures. There is no easy fix for those that have had a traumatic childhood and some of the advice you seek from us may be wide of the mark. However, we are willing to try.
SUSIEDQQ is correct in having you seek professional help; emphasis on professional help. Only physicians can prescribe the necessary medication that can help change your chemical imbalance that almost certainly exists. As hard as you try, the biology prevents a “willingness” to change. This applies for your boyfriend as well if he has been diagnosed with depression and PTSD.
As with most new relationships, the romance may be overwhelming and can cloud the other characteristics that strengthen long term relations. Have you thought about moving apart to reinforce and to focus on these other personality assets? Living together outside of marriage is not always a good way to form an enduring partnership. If you would like to know the reasons why, please respond to this post and we will explore those.
In the mean time, you will be in my prayers and I wish the best for both of you (all 4 of you).
(Quick, informal pointer, 8TWENTY8 / All: bar my trusty veteran posters (Susiedqq and Manalone), it's my job as sole visible moderator and, thereby, host, to speak in the 1st person plural of, 'we'. Ditto when it comes to commenting over or 'marking/grading' other advisers' efforts. Other posters should please contain themselves to the 1st person singular of 'I', and a much simpler and briefer word of praise/agreement, so as to not confuse newbies over who is whom/what, particularly as you could get mistaken for one of our undercover moderators coming briefly out to play. Cheers and as you were.... :-))
"He would tell me and my siblings that he was going to start a family with the other woman and that he could give two shits about us. "
...or should that read, Narce?
"I’ve met this amazing guy and we have been dating for almost a year now and living together for 9 months out of that. We met hit it off great and he asked me to move in with him and his two daughters. Things were going good until I got comfortable and started thinking about my past and that he’s just going to do the same thing to me that everyone else has. He’s never given me a reason not to trust him"
Well, count me out because - he has, me!
Why would a guy who's allegedly so amazing (in reality, something that's far too soon to say), not wish to protect his *presumably, recovering* present and future self by waiting to see how well-meaning, benign and trustworthy - not to mention long-term compatible - you, the woman, were before diving into the deep end like that? And *particularly* with the emotional and mental welfare of his own two children to take into active consideration?
It's clear that HE asked YOU. After only 3 piddly months of knowing you! Actually - since you stated, 'almost a year', it's actually *under* 3 months, isn't it.
Two-and-a-half months, I.E. A HANDFUL OF DATES, and the guy asks you to move in with him and his two (no doubt, still however much traumatised) young, impressionable children? Haven't they been hurt and devastated enough? Would he-should he even THINK about risking adding to it, and so cavalierly?!
Sorry. Healthy men with healthy self-esteems (i.e. neither too low or over/artificially-high) don't rush in like that where angels fear to tread. Again, especially not when two little people's happiness and, since he's divorced, *still-ongoing* recovery are at serious stake. Case in point BEING...the fact he's already wanting - OR IS THAT, *THREATENING*? - to walk away (QUE?!?!!)... despite one would think he'd been aware of your past and prepared to deal with your baggage along with any of his own if he were going to insist on asking you to live in his house with his fragile children so - by any sane standards - incredibly prematurely?
Does he do the same with his [weekly] bath - run it too hot and deep, jump in, and yell 'ooch!' - all surprised - before jumping (or threatening to jump (!!)) straight out again? Is that a good way for a once-bitten to run his life or good lesson to teach his daughters where concerns the gravity and sanctity of marriage (as includes long-term embroilment via cohabitation)?
What does he think commitment is? A revolving door?
GENUINE VICTIMS AND/OR THOSE WHO'VE ACTUALLY HAD ENOUGH PAIN TEND TO BE TOO WARY TO DO *ANY* LEAPING WHEN THE SCHEDULE OF SUCH IS AT *THEIR* TOTAL CONTROL AND COMMAND (in the chase & woo period, man leads, woman follows/reciprocates; buck stops with him).
Perhaps what I've just noted and observed, and what it possibly could mean, has finally had the chance to occur to you somewhere in your own mind? Or perhaps you've begun to sense and collect a whole lot of tiny elusives that, despite can't yet be put into sentence structure are still ample to begin triggering your discomfort and (would I be right in saying) skittish-ness? In other words, maybe it's not so much your past and more or equally *your future*, based on logical extrapolation, you've begun to examine?
So - are you *sure*-sure-sure he's never given you any reason not to trust him?
Perhaps THIS is your trigger: " and that he could [sic] give two shits about us. "
DAD BEHAVED LIKE HE COULDN'T GIVE TWO SH*TS ABOUT [HIS DAUGHTERS]. (Damn right.)
There's a thematic match happening already, isn't there, hmm?
You ain't stupid, eh. ;-) Well done. Super-sensitive (aka never got to cease being Hyper-vigilant).
(PS all: When it's repeat, long-term trauma, courtesy of Cognitive Dissonance (and Confirmation Bias) at the hands of a Narcissist - this case, parent + entire childhood - or, by the sounds of him, Sociopath (FYI they're naturally Narcissistically Personality Disordered), it's CPTSD - Complex Post-Traumatic. Go Google.)
(PPS LIMOM: sorry for the unasked-for English lesson, but - as per my above editing - the saying is 'COULDN'T give two sh*ts/care less', not 'could'. Kick me later, but it has to be pointedly said by a native before this widespread habit becomes set in American stone. ;-))
But back to the issue...
I suspect, LIMOM, that you're Re-enacting, i.e. standing for a decent period in either the perpetrator or victim's shoes (your case, primary victim - your mother) in order to work out the former and past ongoing situation (think, same play, roles, screenplay and script -
different co-starring actors) - which will be because you were deprived of explanations or given misinformation - but that these past romances of yours - due, presumably, to not involving LIVING TOGETHER thus failing to closely enough mimic the Husband & Wife set-up - were stunted, leaving too many questions still unanswered, particularly in-depth. Hence, now, doing The Full Monty (merely without the legality and paperwork).
Common stuff (you're normal) (if you were now abnormal, you'd be taking the Perp role).
Put it this way: a body *knows* when its environment is finally (finally!) a distinctly safe one. (I therefore agree wholeheartedly with 8208 that you should move out again. It was FAR too soon to go so far into the lion's den again!)
Furthermore: take a look at the thought-associative chain going on in your opening post, as well as the proximity of placement in terms of the two, supposedly separate events [asterisks mine]:
"still can’t seem to get it out of my head. He would tell me and my siblings that he was going to start a family with the other woman and that he could [sic] give two shits about us. Well long story short... every relationship I have been in I’ve been cheated on or used until recently.
I’ve met this amazing guy and we have been dating for almost a year now and living together for 9 months out of that. We met hit it off great and he asked me to move in with him and his two daughters. Things were going good until I got comfortable and started thinking about my past and that he’s just going to do the same thing to me that everyone "
See some of what I saw now?
Penultimately - says *who*, he's got PTSD? His GP? To your face? Or 'husband'?...you know the one...The one who doesn't want to do the bog-standard husbandly thing of TALKING ABOUT IT (NO MATTER WHAT 'IT' IS)!
But here's the REALLY glaring set of traits and characteristics. I'm talking (especially when you add it *all* up) CLASSIC TEXTBOOK! :
"Every time I try to talk to him about anything that may be bothering me like him spending every waking second on his phone playing games he just ignores me and doesn’t want to talk or it turns into a huge arguement. All I ever wanted was for him to understand where I am coming from and why I act the way I do. I don’t know what more to do. I’ve seen a therapist, I’ve been out on medication, I stopped talking to my father..."
It's called The Silent Treatment. Or Stonewalling, Smoke-Screening,...PUNISHING. (For what - trying to communicate so as to address an issue?)
So. What say you, Little Miss Super-Survivor?
Me, I say, STEP AWAY FROM THE SOCIOPATH!
And FYI, of *course* you want to make him understand where you're coming from! And of *course* you don't expect the guy to shut up communications shop, the minute you try! But know this: your therapist will be *useless* - *EVEN HARMFUL* - if s/he isn't exceptionally well-versed in Narcissist Victim Syndrome (I doubt you knew to check...but at least you do now).
Face it. He's acting less like a grown, responsible, mature man as such, qualified to be anyone's husband figure, and more like a [wait for it]...TEENAGER!
...or did he just want you to play in-situ babysitter and load the dishwasher (and find his socks)?
*So* hoping you respond.
PPPS: What meds?
(Duh!...I omitted the asterisks. LOL)
PPPPP(er)PS: WELL DONE FOR GOING ZERO CONTACT WITH YOUR (ER) FATHER! Bra-VO!
Sorry, I forgot, whereas it bears saying.
Sorry (t'is a bit early for this night-owl) - forgot the disclaimer: that he's a Sociopath (AsPD) or Narcissist (NPD) is not a formal diagnosis, just my personal opinion in my capacity of poster-individual, based on extensive, long-term theory and 1st, 2nd and 3rd hand experience.
Also should forward-apologise if the above is upsetting or shocking, given how early-on you are in your relationship. IOW, you probably still - overly - believe he's your knight in shining armour..."the one" (finally)...your soulmate...
Or, given that you took the trouble to google-search, come on here and open a thread to basically complain and subconsciously leak the hints - maybe *not* 'overly' (?).
Whichever - apologies. But I spotted it, and it would be highly remiss of me, morally and spiritually, to have 'crossed to the other side'. Fairenoughski? :-)