Confused about myself
Well,the problem is i dont understand myself at all.I always prefer to keep inside me and deal with my own problems by myself but this time I'm really confused. As a bit of background,I'm 19 years old and I come from a cold family with divorced parents and grow up hearing scandal between my grandparents and mom almost everyday. I think I have anxiety and maybe depression, but I feel I'm getting better now.I was always shy to talk to others and always worry they will judge me. As a result I almost didn't talk with anyone in my class in middle school and high school and I was always being put aside. I still had some friends but they only used me because of my kindness and didn't really care about me.
My problem now is that I'm slowly changing and I'm becoming a different person. I used to be a kind,helpful,good girl and always got attached fast of people.I enjoyed spending time alone in my home and with my family,my hobbies and my long-distance bf of 2 years and I went very rarely out with friends. However I often felt lonely but didnt felt i want to change something.I only had 1 bf and I was still a pure girl(talking about naughty things). I'm not the type who let people easily close of me or jump fast into a relationship.
However I changed after my faraway bf wanted to end things and we were like in "fight mood" for 3+ months.Then,I went to club recently (after more than 1 year!) and I kissed a random guy for the first time! I even got his fb and we went to a date after,but he said he doesnt trust anyone anymore coz he was hurt so many times and he doesnt want a relationship at the moment.After this,I got so tired of my life and especially I got so hurt by him (and everytime i really liked someone) and by my faraway bf that now i became more heartless and careless about everything around me and I also dont trust anyone anymore too and I realize how much i want to go out all the time,like clubbing,drinking,spending money on unimportant things,not having a problem kissing a random guy again,changing bfs (I was with 2 guys who are childhood friends,but i never liked the first one and dumped him when I meet his friend who liked me as well,so 2nd guy is my bf now and the 2 guys hate each other coz of me )and I almost lost my purity to him in less than 1 month being together!
This is not ME at all! I became like a typical teenager and this is what I always feared to become!I just feel guilty and like I do it to mask my pain,but its not who I am at all. I dont know however,if i can go to the old "me" again and I dont want to be the same again. I dont know whats the reason that I changed,but my family and my friends noticed too. However my friends say im just having fun but,i think i will regret the things im doing now and that im just the "same" like all teenagers. I hate being the same and I always try to be different (not in a bad way). However I just feel i dont care anymore and I have no reason to care.
What should I do? I'm really confused about myself now.
A new year is coming! Make a commitment to yourself that it will be a year of self discovery and peace about your past and where you are going.
That will take guidance from a professional counselor who will help you adjust the mirror while you look at yourself.
Find an older woman counselor. You seem to need a nurturing, mature person to substitute for the lack of guidance from your parents - who have their own issues and could not parent you. Once you understand that, you have a clean slate to write your own life script.