Head over heels
I have a problem and I don't know what to do… Two years ago I fell in Love with a man I don't know at all. Just Amor visited me.. suddenly, unexpectedly.. I hoped it would fade away but it didn't. The problem is that I am in a long term relationship with my school-time-love Jack. The new man, Samuel, is not willing to meet me unless I leave Jack. But we live in a very expensive city and I cannot afford my own apartment. Samuel once invited me for a date but then he got cold feet and didn't come. I don't know what to do. Samuel neglects all my efforts to be in direct contact with him but he leaves me indirect messages at his blog. He is a smart guy, a personal trainer and a nutritionist. Most of his messages I don't understand at all, some of them I catch sometimes.. He is trying to convince me to eat less unhealthy and exercise more. I find it quite annoying. I am not perfect and never will be and therefore I sometimes eat a package of biscuits in my bed and sometimes have a coffee late at night. Sometimes both and sometimes might be sometimes more often than sometimes. Samuel is the absolute opposite he has never eaten a single piece of chocolate. Well, this is what I imagine because as I said I don't know him at all because he won't let me get to know him. On the other hand he knows everything about me.. He knows about my moods, my feelings, my thoughts, my pains, my high-heel-pains… It's incredible, horrible and.. most of all.. unfair. I know nobody has ever promised me that life here will be fair but this is uneven. When I ask Samuel about it he tells me that I can always connect to his “access required system” to get some info about him but I have no idea where to get the password and how to log in.
After two years of this craziness my previous life that I had tried to build for more than 15 years is now literary in pieces. Jack doesn't recognize me any more and tends to drink and smoke excessively. I have a feeling that I am unintentionally destroying lives of three people and have no idea how to move forward.
First and foremost: I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
First question: when was the last time you just took some time to focus on yourself?
Take many deep breaths, take a bath if you can. Do whatever helps you quiet your mind. You are the only one with this answer. You know what you want. You've just not listened to your own voice in awhile.
Pop quiz: close your eyes, ask the question, and flip a coin.
Which ever side you subconsciously root for, while the coin is in the air?
That is what you want. Usually, these things don't take economics into account, because emotions can trump finances. Depends on the depth.
Or, I could be completely wrong, and I'd like to know that, too. As I'd like to *actually help you, not just try. ☺
Thank you for your help, I appreciate that!
I think that I know what I want, it's not the problem. Also with the issue regarding moving - if I really really needed to, I could move somewhere, but I would lose my living standard, which I do not want of course.
I just don't understand why Samuel is against meeting me. There is nothing wrong or immoral about two people talking over a cup of coffee, we live in the 21st century, we know how to behave, we can give each others a hug or the cheeks can touch or nothing.. we can handle this.
I just believe he owes me some answers.. e.g. what happened between us when we met for the first time..
Also some info about him would come handy..
I haven't read anywhere that tf cannot meet and talk.
Please please try to look at it from my point of view and tell me what to do to see him.
Thank you, MamaBear, I wish you All the best for 2018 wherever you are!!!
I don't think I have any good advice here. At least, not any you'll like hearing. In my experience, regardless of what they may "owe" someone, people only make room for what they want. If he wanted to see you, he would. Nothing could get in his way, if you were what he really wanted. If he doesn't want to meet you, I'd take that as a HUGE red flag, consider it a bullet dodged, and move on. Whatever his reasons are, you may never know, and you'll have to make peace with that. His reasons for wanting to stay apart likely have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with his inadequacies. And honestly... do you really WANT a boy that can't/won't be up front with his feelings or motivations? If he's playing "hard to get", then most likely, he's not worth "getting". This all smacks of a one-sided, ego-centered game. Don't take it personally, as this is his monkey, his zoo.
At some point in life, we all want something that's not really available to us. I was married to an emotionally unavailable man (boy) for 24 years, and it was miserable. I broke my own heart every single day, hoping he'd stop playing hard to get and let me in. It never happened. He's made a conscious choice to keep his heart for himself, and I finally just had to make peace with that and walk away. Don't waste your time and energy on someone that clearly isn't interested in anything meaningful. You'll only have pain and heartbreak to show for it.
I wish I had better advice, or could offer you some hope, but in my experience, if he wanted to be with you, he would be, no matter the obstacles. And, wouldn't you prefer a relationship with someone that isn't afraid to show you they want to be with you, instead of someone you have to "convince"? Don't settle for this little boy that's afraid of his own heart. You deserve much, much better. And it's out there. I promise. <3
thank you so much for your answer that makes it much clearer! And soorry for your bad choice with your "emotioanally unavailable man (boy)", it must be SO SAD to have marriage and children with somebody like that!!! Yeah, it seems that this is also what life is about - we do not listen to the whisper of our heart, do not wait long enough for our true love, break the soul contract, make an ego-based strategic decision to get married to somebody else (because what people would say if I (I!) was not in a proper marriage with at least several sons, right?!?) and then we get through those miserable years and finally end up heart wrecked and lonely and no matter how many times we repeat and write down to ourselves that we should be happy, we are not happy at all.. because the one we want the most is out there but disappointed and not believing us anymore.