Married but am attracted to someone else
ELCAPITANO - Dec 13 2017 at 10:53
Hello all just looking for a bit of advice. I am a 32 year old married man with a 5 year old son. A few months ago I met a 21 year old girl at my work and we hit it off straightaway. She is objectively very attractive and incredibly intelligent. We got on really well and people even teased us about our closeness. We even started to message each other as friends outside of work. I was confused about whether I was developing feelings for her or not. Anyhow a couple of months ago I started a new job and she went to volunteer overseas. I thought this would help me to get over her. Anyhow I popped into my old work last week and didn't realise that she was back. We chatted briefly and messaged each other later saying it was a shame we couldn't talk longer as she wanted to ask me about my new job and tell me about her volunteering. Anyhow I asked if she was free that week and we arranged to go out for lunch. We had a great lunch talking about anything and everything for hours. The talk between us can be quite deep and intense. After a bit I questioned if she was flirting with me as she was caressing her lips, neck etc in front of me. Anyhow when I got home I felt really guilty as I hadn't told my wife I was meeting her. Just to stress it has all benn platonic up to this point. I am happily married but I admit I find other women attractive as I have a much higher sex drive than my wife. Any thoughts on what I should do next?
I think you should think and act maturely.You already have a wonderful wife and kid so you don't need anyone beside you.All i can say is focus on your work and do spend quality time with your family.Its just a temporary attraction which doesn't have any meaning.Ask your self what would you feel if you find your wife in a similar situation.
Hello Kriya and thank you for your response. I messaged the girl and said that I had a great time but didn't think we should do it again. I explained that I hadnt told my wife and I felt guilty about it. I said that I know we are platonic friends and said that I didn't have feelings for her (admittedly that was a lie but I've never told her I do at any stage). Anyhow I said that I don't make it a habit to spend time alone with other women out of respect for my wife andf I think in future we should socialise in a group. She is yet to respond. Was that the best thing to do? Would she be offended?
I was with my ex-husband for 17 years, three beautiful children. This is how his multiple affairs began. He took the energy and focus off his family and wife. The energy he used on the other woman could have been productive to either look deep within or pursue a divorce with me.
Ask yourself one question, am I willing to blow up my entire families life? Not just immediate. Infidelity affects everyone. If the answer is yes. Get a divorce. If not, get therapy.
Note, im not a bitter person and wish my ex well. Im blunt. Also, I met someone who mutually treats me the same. He says I make him feel like a king and I feel like his queen. Our sex drive is off the charts. I had a non-existent sex drive with my ex. When I was attracted to another man I realized I was just unhappy in my marriage.
Hi ELCAPITANO. I know I’m a little late to the party, but I think this may be a never ending temptation, not just for you but most married men. It is often a good idea to trust others enough to share your personal challenge(s) and ask them to hold you accountable and answerable. Therefore, your post is a good idea. This takes courage and humility. The guilt that you feel would suggest there is at least respect and reverence for your marriage and family, so let’s start there.
Marriage is a covenant and requires a tremendous amount of effort just to maintain mutual joy. Unlike happiness, joy is relational. Sex is a huge component in this relationship but loses its luster after 18-36 months. Without the effort I mentioned earlier, the spouse will look elsewhere for this sexual need. Notwithstanding your wife’s libido, what have you done to stimulate this desire from your wife? Do you know what gives your wife pleasure apart from physical intimacy? That’s a rhetorical question, something to reflect on rather than share with us. Let’s face it. It’s not the young lady’s friendship you seek. It’s that intimate excitement you may be missing in your marriage that has led you to notice others beyond which is healthy. Did you feel the same way for your wife when you were dating her? Do you think this attraction will end with this new “friend”?
How open are you with your wife. If you are good with words, start with an honest conversation with your wife. Shoot, if you are not good with words, start with an honest conversation with your wife. How much of your soul do you share? How much is your wife in your thoughts? How much do you trust each other? To what degree have you promised to stay together as a couple? Believe me when I tell you, true intimacy for women begins with honest, trusting, and unreserved conversation. Someone once said, “Men spell intimacy ‘S-E-X’ and women spell intimacy ‘T-A-L-K’.
It may be worth reinvesting yourself in your wife and family again. I will be so bold as to predict your wife’s response to this investment “will wear you out”. Let us know.