Did I cheat on my husband?
Hi, I’m currently married and living with my husband of almost 3 years, 10 in total. Last year he left our home to live with a friend and his fiancé, essiantjally grabbed everything and left me, our two cats and two dogs. He repeatidly told me that our marriage was over and he would say this to me for months. I insisted he was making a mistake, but he wouldn’t budge, eventually moving into his grandmothers unoccupied apartment, making this a more permanent decision.
In this time I was heart broken, but felt I had to force myself to move on with my life since I had so much pressure on myself to have a family, I was 35 years old, and after a few miscarriages, I was afraid of not being able to have children. I met someone who I even went on a date with, knowing very well, I wanted my husband back, but again, figured I should put myself out there. The date happened, it was so strange to me, but I ended up not pursuing anything with this guy, he was perfectly nice, but I wasn’t ready, no way.
One night I went out with a girlfriend, and drowned my sorrows. I ended up texting an ex, from many years ago, who I do not have any romantic, sexual (or otherwise) inclination towards him and vice versa. Anyway, he came over, he sat in the living room, him on one couch, me on the other, we talked for a few hours like old friends and since it was very late, he ended up sleeping over. He laid down on top of the covers in the same bed as me, we verbally said goodnight and he left shortly after since it was already morning. There was no moves being made; nor do I think he was interested, I definitely wasn’t. I think it was two lonely people looking for someone to talk to. We left it at that without communicating the next day or anytime soon after.
The following morning I texted a girlfriend who asked if I had slept with him. I said I didn’t. He just wanted to cuddle. I said this based on a comment/joke he had made earlier in the night when I said I was tired and going to sleep and as a joke he said you wanna cuddle? To which I said, lol I’m fine thanks. Then I said he probably could have slept with me. To this day, I’m not sure why I said that to her, since I know that wasn’t anything that I was feeling at the time, I was trying to get things back with my husband and just flat out not intererested in my ex in this manner.
Long story short, my husband and I reconciled, we moved into a house and then he found the text messages to my ex asking him to come over and to my friend saying what I said above. He was very upset, we discussed it, and it wasn’t ever brought up again.
Fast forward to late October of this year, my husband had become increasingly abusive, something he had done for years, but I had only discovered recently. One day he said he wasn’t going to pay my bills anymore, screamed in my face, cornered me in the kitchen, he was trying to physically intimidate me and show me he was boss, when my response wasn’t fear, he grabbed my car bill that was in an envelope and threw it at me, it hit my face so hard that I can still remember the stinging feeling. I was in such shock that I didn’t know what to say. He stormed out and went to work. I called the police and filed a domestic abuse incident report (second one in 4 months) he had broken down a door in our home after I locked it to get away. After this, he found out about the police and told me he wanted a divorce. Soon after he began calling me a cheater and telling me he wanted a divorce because I was a “filthy whore who had sleepovers” with her ex. He knows we didn’t sleep together, didn’t even touch bc he had slept on top of the covers. But he doesn’t care, he says I’m a cheater and that he wants me out.
He has this pattern of running away and not being able to deal with responsibility. He’s abuses me verbally, financially (he has every single dollar in this marriage under his control) I don’t work, I’m starting a business, which he doesn’t support or even knew the name of.
So the question here is, did I cheat!!? Is he using this incident as an excuse tomorrow divorce? He keeps telling me to ask my friends and family bc they will also say I am a cheater. I don’t believe I am. I did not emotionally, physically or mentally cheat on him with my ex. I’m guilty of having someone overnight who happens to be an ex from over a decade ago. By the way, he’s not upset about going on a date with a stranger, he said he understands that since he left and I was trying to move on with my life. Which doesn’t make sense to me, bc I wasn’t even trying to do anything or move on with my ex, it was just two lonely ppl catching up and keeping each other company for a few hours.
*at the time we were staying at my parents apartment while they were away while we looked for a house. Which we ended up finding and were currently living in now.
Whether or not you "cheated" is the least of your worries.
This man sounds disturbed!! He is a classic abuser. Two police involvements, he throws things at you, hits you and keeps you financially hostage? Yikes, girl!! What else is he going to do for you to realize he is one sick dude.
And you wonder if YOU did anything wrong?
Please go to counseling to find out why you tolerate such behavior and are so willing to be a victim.