Is my husband controlling
I’ve been married for 4 months now and my husband always talking about divorce. We met on social network and I lived in a foreign country, after a year and a half we decided I’d relocate with my two boys (11 and 7 )to get married. Problems started when we set a wedding date ,he has a 10 years old daughter and her mom always used her to manipulate our marriage, and would not let her attend the wedding, when she said she’d not attend to the wedding he nearly changed his mind about marrying me, but we still did. Then each time I’d say how the kid is being used to manipulate our marriage it always ended in yelling and name calling.
To avoid the situation I decided to stop mentioning it , and his mother kept saying I was overreacting and both my husband and his mom suggested I make friends with his ex, I had to because I didn’t want to be the bad one.
I suggested to my husband I try making friends here but he wouldn’t let me , saying they’ll want me. I stay home all day do all house chores, feed pets etc... but when I suggested a walk he goes crazy on me saying he’s trying to protect me, I don’t drive so I never even go to the store, when I need something I have to wait for him , his mom or his ex.
One day I was checking my social network and when he found out I did he was mad at me for a month and started constantly checking my phone, giving me the silent treatment saying I chose social network over him, we tried to fix that but till now some days he just gives me silent treatment and says it because I checked that social network without his permission and denied it , I denied and lied I didn’t because I was scared of his reaction, he really gets very angry. Now he hasn’t been talking to me because I put makeup when I am in the house.
Is he controlling me, does he even love me ?
It’s great that you are able to share the situations you are facing at home. Had you and your husband considered a counseling together? It's good to have a third-party person with an expert opinion point out where either of you are going wrong, and help you correct those behaviors and find common ground. My prayers are with you. Hugs!
Your situation sounds horrible. He is very controlling if he won’t let you even go to the grocery store or starts feeling insecure about you for even leaving the house. Life is too short to waste most of your time with someone who handles issues like a kid. You will have to think about yourself and you’re children and what’s best for your future. You cannot listen to anyone else about staying on a relationship that will bring you sorrow for the next 25 years. In one year from now, you know where you’ll be (in the same place) but if you left and got remarried (some ppl may look down on that) but so what...the tea people who you want to surround yourself with are the people who would support your happiness and bright future. Be smart——stay strong and make the right decision—-I think you know what that is...
Agree. More than horrible. A living nightmare. And I'm surprised, Germie, that you even have to ask if this person is controlling or loves you, because...
"I’ve been married for 4 months now and my husband always talking about divorce."
...that element of extreme psychological cruelty alone, was glaringly enough to judge by. The rest just confirmed then re-confirmed it.
For starters, needing to seek permission from your partner to just do innocent, normal, bog-standard daily things like socially network, wear make-up, go wherever you please whenever you want if it really doesn't/couldn't harm others, does not feature - ever - in a bona fide relationship with an equally normal and healthy partner. It - along with all the other highly characteristic mentally abusive behaviours contained perfectly straight-forwardly in your opening post - only features in an abusive relationship with an abusive (emotionally and/or mentally ill) partner, be that abuse subtle and hard to read or otherwise.
That he's LITERALLY trying to keep you incarcerated where he can continue to stifle, smother, dictate, bully, harangue, threaten, emotionally and mentally keep you destabilized, etc., makes this merely the 'first course' of an HIGHLY - repeat HIGHLY abusive relationship. A mild preview of what worse is to come.
Already he's got you gagged and Walking On Eggshells (having to lie and deny doing perfectly innocent and acceptable things that are your decisions to do and no-one else's).
Give this issue-ridden, psychologically damaged 'man' what he wants you to believe he wants - a divorce. (Same goes for his maxi-me, his mother, whose thinking is likewise ill. Why on EARTH would you respond to a hostile act by the ex with an offer of friendship? That's utter madness, normal healthy attitudes and behaviours turned 180 degrees on their head.) Part of that madness is, again: he is not trying to protect you and isn't insecure in the normal sense, out of fear of loss and heartbreak. He's trying to make you his 100% possession and house-slave under full-time house-arrest using threats and intimidation and non-stop hassle and punishments, and doesn't want any other conmen like him to steal his slave. No doubt he treated his EX-WIFE like that, but evidently still manages to dupe her by subtly yet wholly convincingly painting you as being behind his own antagonistic, non-cooperative behaviour, as still riles her, leading her to believe YOU'RE her enemy, the problematic element, thus choosing to keep her daughter away. Either that or she chooses for her own agendas/fears to ignore the truth. Shame her eyes are still ('slapped and punched') half-closed, but, there you have it; that's her slow-learning, self-deluding problem.
This is not a marriage. It's not even a romantic relationship. Nothing like one. A psychological (into physical) hostage situation, merely called A Relationship/Marriage by him. But the front door - both literally and figuratively-speaking - is not yet locked. So if I were you, I'd get out now before it gets a whole lot worse. Which it will. Majorly. The way he's going at the rate he's going, it won't be long, I reckon, before he starts to batter you physically.
Seriously, it is that clear. You may as well have posted, Why are my husbands bodily extremities going Black before dropping off?, only to hear everyone yell back 'LEPROSY!'.
He's already married, anyway. To his mother, the one who helped mash his brain wiring that way (and still is...unless it's that she's buying into his lies as well).
Sense of over-entitlement and ownership (like you're his pet dog)
Narcissistic Raging & Emotional Battering
The Silent Treatment (incredibly, for a whole month!)...
Did you spot that N word? Go google, Narcissistic Husband/Partner or just Controlling Abusive Husband/Partner (it'll lead you back to Cluster B mental illness anyway).
No, the loon does not love you. What he loves and just passes off (initially) as being his loving and being in-love with you is the love of getting to be Master/Puppeteer to a free-of-charge Slave/Puppet (mostly) behind closed doors.
PS: If you do insist on seeking couples counselling before you can feel confident enough to finally put your kid and yourself first and walk away, please do not dare or bother unless that therapist is theoretically and/or experientially well-versed in Narcissistic Abuse, or else your 'husband' will too easily be able to dupe and control the counsellor into believing you're the problem (happens all the time with this type), which will have the effect of furthering or compounding the abuse you've already been suffering.
And others on here.
You're not alone by a long shot, more's the pity. Start reading through the threads under Relationships.
Thank you all for your replies. I’ve been reading and watching videos about rarcissist people and am sure he’s one of them. We decided we’ll divorce and his excuse is that he has no money to pay to return me back to my country. I am trying to find a way out , hopefully something comes up soon
You'd better stay put and keep posting, Germie, because - I can see he's switched masks and managed to dupe you again. *Very* subtly and cleverly, acting like Mr Reasonable (part of the initial Charmer persona), whereby, here you are, acting like you haven't got a clue that any such thing has gone on, let alone what and how.
I'll bust a gut to explain more re. what I see, tomorrow or sooner - bear with...
But I now know that he's not just negative and harmful due to his mal-programmed attitudes (User-exploiter-bully) and hyper-emotional and negative responses, including petty resentment and vindictiveness, i.e. 'just' a Malignant Narc. Nor just an impulsive-user-exploiter-charmer-rager called Sociopath (thick, all-impulse psycho). Nope, this one's a full-blown Psychopath (cold and calculating and serious business). I suspect it because  he (I gather?) failed to go into a (fake) rage, like an AsPD would have on being told by 'his' woman she was ending it and his cushy set-up;  instead, he who 'doesn't do' going along with any decision of yours, regardless of how grave and definite, has too quickly seemingly gone along with this decision of yours that plain wasn't his.  He is not going to let you go just like that (hence his crock of sh*t about "woe is my wallet" replete with convincing 'regret' about, "awwww", being unable to go that extra helpfulness and cooperativeness mile where would count as putting his money where his suddenly 'cooperative' mouth is).  He's thought ahead and, again, has basically REFUSED to let you leave him/that house (- it's called, pay the flights by credit-card and pay it back over a few months to come...which is what only a decent man would do).
Think about it: why *would* he who has it MacHisWay all the time, be okay about giving up his free-of-charge personal donkey who does all his donkey-work, gives him the opportunity to have someone secret to discharge all over/take out his over-copious production of feelbad chemicals on, and ditto for having a means to feel like a cunningly clever, cleverer-than-you, Big I Am, Gobsmacking Chauvenist From Hell, gives him a means to grow richer at her expense but yet sh*g said slave as often as he likes (etc., etc.) ? What bully-despot would agree to that and mean it?
He's a despotic, enslaving bully, not a hotelier with whom you've been guesting.
So... 'We' have decided?
THERE IS NO 'WE', THERE IS NO 'JOINT DECISION-MAKING', THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE. THINK ABOUT IT.
But you bought it, look...Although, anyone not in the deepest know (whilst still that bit too drunk and drugged), would.
Sorry. Common stuff. But there's a way to outwit them and slime-proof yourself. And it's actually not that difficult at all! It just takes knowing how. Start with a really good read-around of this genius godsend of a site by the equally genius Jennifer Smith (and remember, you're quite early in....this is like a preview of what's to come if you don't get out of his 'forcefield' as has already in less than 7 days just re-conned you):
Let's at least eliminate it from the enquiry, yes?
Back tomorrow (today).
PS: Delete your history every time, okay? Don't make it possible for him to 'follow' you on here. And don't be freaked and flake out on me. This - this week/your mindset - is your rare, very golden opportunity at 'only' 4 months into cohabitation and 'merely' 2 years into the fauxlationship, to do what many fail to ever find the sapped strength, confidence, determination and clear-headedness to do, which is - escape the clutches of an (at the very least) emotionally and psychologically dangerous man who *could* kill you - just the slower route (while he gets spoiled and rich by you) via time and yet more eroding of your strengths and personality, spirit, confidence, independence...everything that makes you You and functional and healthy - and to thereby avoid another year or four of serious, serious abuse. You *and* your kids.
...And these while I'm at it, another 'wow' site and victim-writer, Jackson MacKenzie:
"Most of us will never get the confirmation of an official Cluster B diagnosis but... if you spent a significant amount of time:
Feeling (or being told) like everything was always your fault
Feeling like you were incapable of doing virtually everything
Feeling like you apologize a lot even though you are darn sure it wasn't you
Feeling a ton of anxiety
Feeling like you're going to be in deep shit if you don't promptly answer a text or a call
Feeling like everything was always about them
Making excuses for their behavior - even to yourself
Feeling like "what the heck just happened"
Feeling confused (yep, listed these twice because this was the major flag while I was in the fog before I started figuring things out)
Feeling like you cry more than you ever have
....and so many more, you have probably been involved with a Cluster B disordered person. The label that you pick from that group doesn't matter because the results are the same: destruction."
(Yes, it does matter, actually - for How To Escape Unscathed/Even Smelling Of Roses purposes, but I get what he was aiming at conveying.)
PPS (sorry!): And do not-do not-DO NOT let him know what you're feeling, thinking, planning, decided on doing. He's not your husband, your friend, he is your No. 1 enemy. Con him back into believing you're back in Drugged, Passive Slave mode. He'll believe you, don't you worry, his ego needs that "I'm such a clever conman-magician and superior being" num-nums too much. Password-protect your phone or better yet hide it and pretend you lost it. And start keeping a diary of all events at his hands. But - you go and share your true sentiments with him and he might decide to cow you back into your box using violence this time. Make like you've already or are in the process of changing your mind back to Stay, thanks to his 'woe is my wallet' BS. Meanwhile, speak to family and friends that are yours exclusively, see if they can have a whip-round and rally-round to get you and your little'uns back and out of his vicinity asap.
Thanks again. I’ll keep you posted. About the divorce it was him who mentioned it even before I did and his mother rushing to start procedures (he told her to be a bit patient until there’s a bit of money to give me to go start over somewhere). He’s acting different and I feel more confident and free but am at the same Time observing him. We had an appointment with a therapist and he asked me to cancel it because he’s done with the marriage because we aren’t compatible and that he can’t get over the fact that I lied about checking my social network. Am being nice to him too and careful at the same time , in the meantime am researching on where to go and what to do next
Crikey, he's got her well-trained, hasn't he? Or is it the other way around, I wonder?
Could be either, but I expect she thinks she hates you with a passion because of him having so regularly smeared/blamed you to her behind your back all this time and pitting her against you - just in case 'now' happened (they've always got one eye on The Inevitable End (when, not if - for obvious reasons) and insurances in place against getting exposed for being nothing like the Mr Nice Guy/Good Guy they outside-of-closed-doors pretend to be). Smearing and Triangulating are what they do (or what their illness compells them to do, I should say), as you'll discover as you keep surfing and reading through the great, long list of Narcissistic Red Flags. (Feel free to fire any question that you don't find answers to, btw.) Either that or you're simply the enemy because you're not her perfick wickle soldier who 'can do no wrong' (or he might pick on her). Never mind, that's their Tweedledee & Tweedledum problem.
'Until there's a bit of money'. Yeah - it's called, The Twelfvth of Never, and - 'acting'? You said it! And, yes, do stay observant and vigilant (well done). New Mantras:  no matter how strong the temptation to 'stick it to him', I must keep my powder dry.  With a Cluster B, anything I say *will* be taken down and used against me at whatever date for whatever reason in whatever context (i.e. twisted or misquoted BS).
He can't get over the fact you felt forced by Mr Constantly Intimidating & Aggressive to avoid triggering Mr Even More Intimidating & Aggressive by being be honest about something you have the perfect right to do yet he has no right to try to control using varying levels of Intimidating and Aggression? Oh, okay then, LOL Standard stuff, though. He's that desperate to fabricate something with which to try to paint you in the wrong over, look. Talk about, at a loss, otherwise (likewise typical of your own very conscientious type).
Have you tried Dana - Thrive After Abuse, and Kim - Let Me Reach, and the rest of the 'gang' on YouTube yet re. said Red Flags? What about Pat Craven's small but incredibly comprehensive (and, in places, hilariously witty, as in p*ss-taking) "Living With The Dominator" book? Since yours is so overt and brutal with you, the latter definitely suits, no question, plus, being so succinct and compact, it makes a great one-stop total-info source to keep referring back to.
Talking of question: Did you miss where I asked whether you have exclusive/separate family and friends that could help or do a whip-round for the cost of your flights back home?
PS: Don't fancy yours much, luv!
(LOL, soz, just trying to raise a smile.)
Lol I think he found himself a new source (he been talking to a woman he went to school with), hopefully she be a good source for me so he can try for money quicker (although he don’t make much). In the meantime my family is trying to help too but he doesn’t know
Oh, Germie - forgive me, I must have missed the email alert on this, hence have just asked you over on that other thread, how you were doing! Sorry, you must have thought me very rude. Never mind - I've seen you now and have a window...
You think he's dealt you The (fake) Discard to convince you you've just-about lost him and cow you back into total loss-avoidant compliance? And to A.N. Other? Nay. You, the tin-opener (tool) (don't worry, I was once mistaken for a dishrag LOL), are obviously just too much like hard work (tick!) because you're too stiffly plugged-in to the reality socket to accept forcefed delusions and illusions devoid of any associative, actionable substance to authenticate them, hence he's already too bored with and/or has run out of verbal/directly-interactive re-manipulations steam. You're too 'high maintenance' for lazy him (LOL - tick!). So what he's doing has to be even more extreme/do-or-die to counter your extreme stubbornness (tick-tick-tick!). Yet energy-efficient and -augmenting (gets the other Narc Supply woman to meanwhile pump his ego and strength back up). Switching his Primary Supply source - his prized utensil - from you to her (the kettle) - she whom he had, set up and waiting for Mr (fake) Wonderful all this time for this very outcome (I expect he'll convince her you were mad, bad, dangerous, cheated on him, mean to him so that she'll bust a gut to go to equal degrees of Being Nothing Like Her for fear of re-abusing the poor, wee, wickle lambiepie).
He'll now either "admit" to you that it's over (not), like it was his idea (yes, how petty - they are) and try to "stay friends" with you...or feed you false hope that he'll be coming back to you and just needs more time to think everything over, blah-blah (while he warms her up to take over from your level of attentiveness)...just whatever he can do to keep you around as a future Supply option, whether back in your boat primarily, or secondarily/part-time (make *you* the unknowingly or knowingly, forever-in-waiting mistress out of two or a whole crowd). Switching main suppliers.
He's aware he's losing control over you but, unlike me, doesn't recognise just how little control over you he must have ever genuinely had, despite your seeming compliance in certain regards - thus at this point has left. (He obviously has no idea you can act!)
But what do you mean, she be a good source for me, etc.? RSvP?
"In the meantime my family is trying to help too but he doesn’t know"
You little beauty, you! What are ya?
I should have known...you put make-up on for your *own* sake, to make YOU feel better, and have the self-discipline to bother even under circumstances that others might consider pointless (nope); you maintain your standards fiercely, don't you? I imagine that, as such, you expect your so-called match to do likewise, no matter what particular standard were originally presented as default/permanent. Correct?
I suspect you've never *actually* become cowed and compliant, but more fooled him and his that you had (to shut them the eff up so you could think and strategise) - correct? If I'm right - that's counter-manipulation. Well done! Very clever. No wonder it lasted only 4 months. He made a serious error in judgement and picked on the wrong woman this time, didn't he.
HAD to have done, for you to this seemingly prematurely be going, LOL, instead of panic-panic-boo-hoo at his having found another primary victim.
Since you've got the secret b*lls and strength of mind - what about speaking to a solicitor, a free, initial consultation to know where you stand and what you're entitled to by law as a divorce settlement? I know you've only been married for 4 months but the fact you demonstrated such good faith and intention in the marriage in having moved yours and your kids' lives, total kit 'n caboodle, to a whole other WORLD, and after months of non-stop mistreatment are to cap it all, being kept from 'escaping' by refusal disguised highly over-tenuously, as if a slave rather than an equal value human being, ought go in your favour. Whereas, the briefness of the legally-sanctioned part of that whole relationship would additionally facilitate a very speedy divorce process. You could claim Interim Maintenance so that you could afford to move out to your own rented place and then again, once you got home? Worth a try, rather than go back with shattered dreams *and* an empty wallet, no doubt emptier than when you started or had you stayed put? Why should he come out relatively unchanged and you end up on the serious backfoot, having to re-start a life devoid of the means and accoutrements you once had prior to the so-called union? You're entitled (the normal, genuine kind, not his) and have more than earned it, all that non-stop being dominated, bossed around, treated like a dog, told ridiculous excuses for bad behaviour, in very condensed fashion...
RSvP and continue keeping me up-to-date if you want?
I’ve been doing fine and happier now that I learned a lot. I’ll make the divorce easy by signing incompatibility, that way we each go apart fast and no contact
And yes, knowledge is most definitely power, isn't it just!
You don't need my help or advice; you're perfectly canny enough. So just chat and keep keeping me posted at every turn or if you've any queries or want me to quickly fill you in on anything you're unsure of or have insufficient experience with, if you like?
Meanwhile, what of all you've learnt so far re. his disorder has had the greatest impact on you, intellectually and emotionally?
Oh, and by the way - for *in case* you ever get a mushy moment where you start to lose resolve and/or he's tried to soft-soap you into staying:
(- Bree Bonchay)
Definitely read that asap, it's very important to be fore-armed in case he suddenly switches back to the charm offensive (they always do; they see no need to ever truthfully, genuinely terminate a relationship if there's any scope at all for somehow engineering for themselves a harem or having a fall-back woman in future years; they'll at least give it a good try).
And although this is one to take home with you and watch in a year from now -
(Dana - Thrive After Abuse)
- I frankly think you're there already. Whether you'll stay 'there' rigidly or slip back before spitting in your own face whilst getting back on your rigid post is another matter. But that - staying strong and resolved - really, is one of the reasons for giving you these links.