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Stepson's wedding

Posted by
CHRISTY
on Jan 13 2018 at 19:16
Member since: 30 December 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United Kingdom
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category Last year my stepson got married. I went to the wedding with my husband and it was like I was airbrushed out of the day. My husband sat with his ex in church, sat on the top table as per usual and I was not invited to be in any of the photos. Another son is getting married in a few weeks and I find that the same thing is going to happen again. My husband will spend the day with his ex and I will not be involved in any of the occasion. I find this so hurtful. When my husband and I married we went out of our way to involve all our children and gave them all a role within the wedding.

I have been with my husband for 12 years and married for 4.

I don't know how to deal with this as I am so hurt. I have a good relationship with all his children (after a very messy start). How can I get past being hurt and try to look forward to and enjoy the day. I totally understand that the couple have the right to organise their wedding in the way they want and I wouldn't want to change that. I'm also not trying to oust the mother in her role. But I just want to be acknowledged and included.

Any advice?

Reply from
ANNIKA GESHE
on Jan 13 2018 at 20:28
Member since: 13 January 2018
I am sorry about your hurt. It can be difficult to give precise advice by content given. Let see the children perspective, they might just feel confused, and don't want to hurt their mothers feelings. Its possible mother has told them that she would feel better if you were invisible. (again depending, how your husbands divorce was, who left whom, and so forth)

Also, it matters, did the children live with you and a husband for 12 years that you were with your husband? or they lived with their mother? Because that can also explain a lot.

You said your relationship is good with them, it can also be your perception of the situation.

Now how you can deal with hurt? Again depending on above questions, and if you do have a good relationship with them, you can talk with the first son, who's wedding you had attended previously. You can meet them and ask them, in the wedding, why the situation was the way it was? You have to tell them why, you have to tell them how it made you feel, and because you love them as your own children, and so forth. Ask them the reason you are asking because you want to find out so you can understand the upcoming second wedding. You can ask them how they see you, and have a clear cut conversation with them. That is truly a good relationship, if you feel like you can't do that, then maybe you don't have a good relationship with them as you thought you did.

Unless you talk to them and understand the reasons of their actions, you won't be able to release the pain. Because from third point of view, they are being disrespectful, and distant, and their actions are very inconsiderate, they didn't even discuss this will happen, shows how much they don't think about you, which means , you don't have a great relationship as you think you do.

You need to find out the reasons of their actions, and find out how they truly feel about you, and what are their thoughts of you, heal the relationship and then you can go from there .

If you want more advice about this situation you can send me more info about it, please look above about my questions, and i can provide detailed advice.

Hope you work things out, please let me know how it goes. (A)

Annika Geshe. annikageshe.com

Reply from
CHRISTY
on Jan 17 2018 at 10:13
Member since: 30 December 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United Kingdom
Thanks for your reply. The children didn't live with us because they were grown up and lived away. Only one child was still living with the mother and for the first 5 years of my relationship with their dad, they didn't want contact with me. It was difficult as previously they had been friends with my children and our paths crossed alot. I didn't get with their father until after the parents had split - there was no affair.

I assumed I was treated the way I was at the first wedding because I was not then married to my husband. I made allowances for that but it still hurt as we had been together about 9 years.

My thinking at the moment is that I will get my husband to speak to his son again (he's raised the issue once and left it very inconclusive) and if nothing has changed I will email my daughter-in-law to be (they live overseas which makes it more difficult) and ask how they are planning to deal with the whole step-parent issue. To be honest I am also coming round to the idea that I just won't go to the wedding. I can protect myself from any further hurt and humiliation on the day!

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Jan 18 2018 at 02:09
Member since: 27 December 2013
Your husband needs to step up. If the bride doesn't want you up on the dias, that's fine. But your husband should be at your side, which means he isn't either.

That's what I would expect. You are a unit now and need to be treated that way.

Why can't he stand up to them?

Reply from
HMMM
on Jan 18 2018 at 12:34
- unregistered user
Your husband needs to stand up for you. I agree with Susieq response. I would let him know that this makes you feel uncomfortable and that he should tell his other family that if you don’t go , then he can’t go bc it’s disrespectful and as a lesson, if his sons is getting married he should not treat his wife like that either. This is wrong. What if you had a son or daughter with him, would he allow your stepson to treat them like they don’t exist?

Maybe it’s time to re evaluate this relationship and see if you really hold value to him. If you are estranged from This family and you still love him and want t make this work yet he doesn’t want to include you or stand up for you, then maybe he needs to send you on vacation with your girlfriends during times like these and you have no choice but to try and not think About it but rather just the positive things.

Reply from
CHRISTY
on Feb 21 2018 at 11:05
Member since: 30 December 2016
Gender: Female
Country: United Kingdom
Things have moved on slightly. My husband made it clear to his son that he wanted to sit with me during the ceremony but that he would compromise and sit with the family on the top table for the meal. However the son does not want to accept this. I had a phone call this morning from step daughter saying she had tried to speak to her dad to make him change his mind as her brother is upset. I said I couldn't get involved and they should speak to their dad. She kept telling me it wasn't personal and in the end I said that it felt personal, and hurt very much.

I've spoken with my husband and said it would be better if I didn't go (I would find it totally humiliating) and he said that he wouldn't go either. It's a no win. If he doesn't go the fall out in the family will be with us forever. If he does go without me, the fallout in our marriage will be disastrous. I just don't know how to deal with his