I have been with my husband for 12 years and married for 4.
I don't know how to deal with this as I am so hurt. I have a good relationship with all his children (after a very messy start). How can I get past being hurt and try to look forward to and enjoy the day. I totally understand that the couple have the right to organise their wedding in the way they want and I wouldn't want to change that. I'm also not trying to oust the mother in her role. But I just want to be acknowledged and included.
Also, it matters, did the children live with you and a husband for 12 years that you were with your husband? or they lived with their mother? Because that can also explain a lot.
You said your relationship is good with them, it can also be your perception of the situation.
Now how you can deal with hurt? Again depending on above questions, and if you do have a good relationship with them, you can talk with the first son, who's wedding you had attended previously. You can meet them and ask them, in the wedding, why the situation was the way it was? You have to tell them why, you have to tell them how it made you feel, and because you love them as your own children, and so forth. Ask them the reason you are asking because you want to find out so you can understand the upcoming second wedding. You can ask them how they see you, and have a clear cut conversation with them. That is truly a good relationship, if you feel like you can't do that, then maybe you don't have a good relationship with them as you thought you did.
Unless you talk to them and understand the reasons of their actions, you won't be able to release the pain. Because from third point of view, they are being disrespectful, and distant, and their actions are very inconsiderate, they didn't even discuss this will happen, shows how much they don't think about you, which means , you don't have a great relationship as you think you do.
You need to find out the reasons of their actions, and find out how they truly feel about you, and what are their thoughts of you, heal the relationship and then you can go from there .
If you want more advice about this situation you can send me more info about it, please look above about my questions, and i can provide detailed advice.
Hope you work things out, please let me know how it goes.
Annika Geshe. http://annikageshe.com/families/
I assumed I was treated the way I was at the first wedding because I was not then married to my husband. I made allowances for that but it still hurt as we had been together about 9 years.
My thinking at the moment is that I will get my husband to speak to his son again (he's raised the issue once and left it very inconclusive) and if nothing has changed I will email my daughter-in-law to be (they live overseas which makes it more difficult) and ask how they are planning to deal with the whole step-parent issue. To be honest I am also coming round to the idea that I just won't go to the wedding. I can protect myself from any further hurt and humiliation on the day!
That's what I would expect. You are a unit now and need to be treated that way.
Why can't he stand up to them?
Maybe it’s time to re evaluate this relationship and see if you really hold value to him. If you are estranged from This family and you still love him and want t make this work yet he doesn’t want to include you or stand up for you, then maybe he needs to send you on vacation with your girlfriends during times like these and you have no choice but to try and not think About it but rather just the positive things.
I've spoken with my husband and said it would be better if I didn't go (I would find it totally humiliating) and he said that he wouldn't go either. It's a no win. If he doesn't go the fall out in the family will be with us forever. If he does go without me, the fallout in our marriage will be disastrous. I just don't know how to deal with his
But where does that leave our future? How can I invited his kids round at Christmas and birthdays and feel warm to them. I have tried so hard over the last 12 years to treat them as I would my own, but I am so hurt now that I don't think I could look at them. And my husband? I can't say he shouldn't go to his son's wedding, but when he goes I shall be so angry and hurt with him. How will we move on from that?
Also, remind son that no one will be paying attention to the family dynamics, all eyes will be on the bride, as should the bridegroom's .
You know what? Your stepson needs to grow up and accept that his parents are divorced and his father has remarried. It's beyond rude to expect you to fade into the background so he can indulge his childish 'dream', regardless of the occasion. Weddings are about welcoming a new member to the family, not excluding existing members. Wanting his biological parents in photo's is understandable, for posterity reasons, but treating you as if you're not a member of the family so he can pretend his mummy and daddy never got divorced is just rude and disrespectful, all the more so because if you make a fuss you will come off looking like the baddie, as if you think the day is all about you. As you say, it will cause family problems in the future if neither of you go, but I think that's the answer. You are their father's wife and their stepmother, they should deal with it and respect both of you. As for your stepdaughter and the "it's not personal" drivel - the Hell it's not personal! They are behaving as if they dislike you so much they want you to disappear. Sometimes people need to be taught a sharp lesson, and I think this is one of those times. I'd be interested to know how your husband's ex-wife feels about it, if I was in that position I'd feel very awkward and embarrassed about railroading an ex-husband into playing Happy Families.
My husband will only go for the wedding day (they've organised a whole long weekend with bbq's etc.) He will fly in and out on the same day saying he is coming back to "his wife". I will tell them by email in the next couple of days that I am not attending but not go into any detail - they should know why!
I don't know how they will react but I have a feeling this is not over. But nothing will make me go to this wedding now. The damage has been done
So sorry you have had to go thru this. Abslutely ridiculous and selfish on their parts.
I know this is unreasonable but I really needed to post this to get it out of my system. At the moment I'm really hurt and angry
This is a compromise to an akward situation. Try to put this at rest.
There will be many events coming up in the lives of these kids (grandkids, birthdays, holidays, baptisms, school events, etc. etc.) and you and your husband need to decide how you can act as a unit.
I am in this situation: my husband's adult son (whom I met when he was in his thirties) doesn't like me. He dislikes me, angry at me. What I figured is: I don't want his son in my home because he dislikes me and expresses it aggressively (not talking to me, ignoring me, looking angry). My husband meets his son elsewhere. And when he does, he makes the visits shorter than before. He too comes back quickly to me (similar to your husband's solution).
It works for me. I am still troubled by being disliked by his son. I am troubled whenever anyone dislikes me (I don't think anyone likes to be disliked and we all like to .. be liked). But it is what it is. I don't have the ethical right to prevent my husband from visiting his son, or to suggest that he doesn't (as long as his son is not aggressive to my husband, that is!)
And so, it is a compromise.
Try to have empathy for your husband. He is in a difficult situation too. Don't make it more difficult for him than it already is and please, don't punish him for making the only possible compromise on the matter, as I see it.
Thank you. We've just sat and had a good long, calm talk. I'm in a much better place with the situation and know we will get through this. He has tried so hard for me (for us) and is really doing the only thing he can. He has the support of his other children who are mortified by the brother's attitude. Apparently he has been quite rude to his mother about her partner's role in the wedding - so at least it's not just me he wants to disappear.
My husband and I are going overseas the following weekend to celebrate the birthday of one of my children. All my kids will be there with partners and we're having a birthday lunch on the beach. It will be a healing lotion on our sores
Thank you everyone. This site is a treasure
So he did the right thing. He did the only thing he could given the way his son behaved. But I feel so sore about it all. It has knocked all the scabs off the wounds from 10 years ago when his kids wouldn't speak to me or acknowledge us. I feel as if I'm sitting waiting for the next time one of them turns round and says "Hey Dad, we need you but she can do one". It has made me realise that I can be dropped at any time and it's not a feeling I am comfortable with. Maybe time will help (we're off with my kids for this weekend so I can really relax then) but I just can't shake off the feeling that I'm a disposable item to be cast aside as and when required. I am just so hurt
Funny that the son did the same thing to his mother and her male friend. He is either living in a fantasy world or needed to put on a show. Was there something with the new bride or her family that he needed to show his birth mother and father together? (Like they don’t accept divorce or something)?
I hope you can let this go and get some peace back in your marriage.
I have been in a similar situation, (though only dating the guy), and I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed it when I finally let go and told him what a vile little snot his daughter was. Strange thing was, he was on the phone begging forgiveness within 24 hours, for making me put up with his daughter. Because I was being so tolerant about it he didn't realise how angry I was. I say let the anger out, ban the son from your home until he learns to respect other people and stop being a prat.