Last year my stepson got married. I went to the wedding with my husband and it was like I was airbrushed out of the day. My husband sat with his ex in church, sat on the top table as per usual and I was not invited to be in any of the photos. Another son is getting married in a few weeks and I find that the same thing is going to happen again. My husband will spend the day with his ex and I will not be involved in any of the occasion. I find this so hurtful. When my husband and I married we went out of our way to involve all our children and gave them all a role within the wedding.
I have been with my husband for 12 years and married for 4.
I don't know how to deal with this as I am so hurt. I have a good relationship with all his children (after a very messy start). How can I get past being hurt and try to look forward to and enjoy the day. I totally understand that the couple have the right to organise their wedding in the way they want and I wouldn't want to change that. I'm also not trying to oust the mother in her role. But I just want to be acknowledged and included.
Thanks for your reply. The children didn't live with us because they were grown up and lived away. Only one child was still living with the mother and for the first 5 years of my relationship with their dad, they didn't want contact with me. It was difficult as previously they had been friends with my children and our paths crossed alot. I didn't get with their father until after the parents had split - there was no affair.
I assumed I was treated the way I was at the first wedding because I was not then married to my husband. I made allowances for that but it still hurt as we had been together about 9 years.
My thinking at the moment is that I will get my husband to speak to his son again (he's raised the issue once and left it very inconclusive) and if nothing has changed I will email my daughter-in-law to be (they live overseas which makes it more difficult) and ask how they are planning to deal with the whole step-parent issue. To be honest I am also coming round to the idea that I just won't go to the wedding. I can protect myself from any further hurt and humiliation on the day!
Your husband needs to step up. If the bride doesn't want you up on the dias, that's fine. But your husband should be at your side, which means he isn't either.
That's what I would expect. You are a unit now and need to be treated that way.
Why can't he stand up to them?
Your husband needs to stand up for you. I agree with Susieq response. I would let him know that this makes you feel uncomfortable and that he should tell his other family that if you don’t go , then he can’t go bc it’s disrespectful and as a lesson, if his sons is getting married he should not treat his wife like that either. This is wrong. What if you had a son or daughter with him, would he allow your stepson to treat them like they don’t exist?
Maybe it’s time to re evaluate this relationship and see if you really hold value to him. If you are estranged from This family and you still love him and want t make this work yet he doesn’t want to include you or stand up for you, then maybe he needs to send you on vacation with your girlfriends during times like these and you have no choice but to try and not think About it but rather just the positive things.
Things have moved on slightly. My husband made it clear to his son that he wanted to sit with me during the ceremony but that he would compromise and sit with the family on the top table for the meal. However the son does not want to accept this. I had a phone call this morning from step daughter saying she had tried to speak to her dad to make him change his mind as her brother is upset. I said I couldn't get involved and they should speak to their dad. She kept telling me it wasn't personal and in the end I said that it felt personal, and hurt very much.
I've spoken with my husband and said it would be better if I didn't go (I would find it totally humiliating) and he said that he wouldn't go either. It's a no win. If he doesn't go the fall out in the family will be with us forever. If he does go without me, the fallout in our marriage will be disastrous. I just don't know how to deal with his
Husband has again spoken to son. He is not budging on this issue. It's always been "his dream" to have Mom and Dad together at his wedding. I think my only option to salvage some dignity is to not attend the wedding. It will save me the humiliation of being blanked and having to watch my husband play happy families with his ex.
But where does that leave our future? How can I invited his kids round at Christmas and birthdays and feel warm to them. I have tried so hard over the last 12 years to treat them as I would my own, but I am so hurt now that I don't think I could look at them. And my husband? I can't say he shouldn't go to his son's wedding, but when he goes I shall be so angry and hurt with him. How will we move on from that?
Your hurt feelings are quite understandable. It sounds like you were able to work out a lot of problems with your step children and become an important part of their lives. Have you taken time to explain to your husband how you feel? He may not be aware how hurtful it is to be ignored. When my in-laws celebrated their 50th anniversary, none of us in-laws were asked to be in any pictures. It was only the children and grandchildren. I remember thinking “Hey I gave birth to those kids!” Instead of getting angrier, I decided to just let it pass. When we look back at pictures, I tease my husband about it. I know a wedding of a child is a different thing though. Maybe it will be helpful to focus on the fact that it is their day. Be thankful for the relationship that you have with these children outside of this day. If you are ignored by certain people, then find others that you are comfortable with and enjoy your time with them. Keep the lines of communication open between you and your husband. I pray that you can enjoy the day.
Are you saying that son wants Mom and Dad to sit up on the dias at the front of the room? OK - how about for the toast and speeches and after that, just slip off the table and join you at a nearby table for the meal.
Also, remind son that no one will be paying attention to the family dynamics, all eyes will be on the bride, as should the bridegroom's .
You know what? Your stepson needs to grow up and accept that his parents are divorced and his father has remarried. It's beyond rude to expect you to fade into the background so he can indulge his childish 'dream', regardless of the occasion. Weddings are about welcoming a new member to the family, not excluding existing members. Wanting his biological parents in photo's is understandable, for posterity reasons, but treating you as if you're not a member of the family so he can pretend his mummy and daddy never got divorced is just rude and disrespectful, all the more so because if you make a fuss you will come off looking like the baddie, as if you think the day is all about you. As you say, it will cause family problems in the future if neither of you go, but I think that's the answer. You are their father's wife and their stepmother, they should deal with it and respect both of you. As for your stepdaughter and the "it's not personal" drivel - the Hell it's not personal! They are behaving as if they dislike you so much they want you to disappear. Sometimes people need to be taught a sharp lesson, and I think this is one of those times. I'd be interested to know how your husband's ex-wife feels about it, if I was in that position I'd feel very awkward and embarrassed about railroading an ex-husband into playing Happy Families.
Thanks everyone for your input. Some really helpful stuff here. My husband and I have talked and I have decided not to go. My husband knows how I feel and totally supports me. He is really stressed by the whole thing which of course makes me feel guilty too! I can't win.
My husband will only go for the wedding day (they've organised a whole long weekend with bbq's etc.) He will fly in and out on the same day saying he is coming back to "his wife". I will tell them by email in the next couple of days that I am not attending but not go into any detail - they should know why!
I don't know how they will react but I have a feeling this is not over. But nothing will make me go to this wedding now. The damage has been done
Why bother responding? Your husband can do that and tell son that he is there for the wedding day only.
So sorry you have had to go thru this. Abslutely ridiculous and selfish on their parts.
Good point. Will do that. Was worried that anything I said would get twisted. Best coming straight from dad. Thanks
I think that's the best way to handle it so that no one can say you stopped him from attending. Your husband sounds like a good guy, and he's caught between a rock and hard place. Kudos to him for trying to please everybody, but more kudos to him for attending the wedding and then coming straight back home. Done his duty but let it be known that he disagrees. Most important thing now....don't be angry at your husband, he's a hapless victim of manipulation.
The wedding is this weekend and I'm finding it very hard to keep a lid on things. I feel that husband has chosen his son over me and I feel very let down. Son has no concept of what he has done and why people are upset. He is so blinkered to the fact that it is his day, he doesn't give a **** about how hurt his dad is. It's hard not to be angry with my husband. I know he's really tried and is still coming straight back - but to be perfectly honest I think he has been so disrespected that he should walk away and not attend. Tell his son that he feels he has been made to choose between his wife and his child .... and oh boy do I wish he'd choose his wife.
I know this is unreasonable but I really needed to post this to get it out of my system. At the moment I'm really hurt and angry
What has changed? I thought your husband was going to attend the wedding, pictures, and then return home. Nothing more, nothing less.
This is a compromise to an akward situation. Try to put this at rest.
Thanks. I am really trying but it's a a bit like a bubbling volcano which erupts every so often. I find it so helpful to know there's people I can turn to who are sensible. Think my common sense has gone away for the Easter vacation!
Consider couples counseling. You both need to sort this out and get some kind of plan for how you are going to meet the upcoming challenges of a blended family.
There will be many events coming up in the lives of these kids (grandkids, birthdays, holidays, baptisms, school events, etc. etc.) and you and your husband need to decide how you can act as a unit.
Hello Christy: I think your husband's solution, to go to the wedding and come back quickly to you, is a reasonable solution.
I am in this situation: my husband's adult son (whom I met when he was in his thirties) doesn't like me. He dislikes me, angry at me. What I figured is: I don't want his son in my home because he dislikes me and expresses it aggressively (not talking to me, ignoring me, looking angry). My husband meets his son elsewhere. And when he does, he makes the visits shorter than before. He too comes back quickly to me (similar to your husband's solution).
It works for me. I am still troubled by being disliked by his son. I am troubled whenever anyone dislikes me (I don't think anyone likes to be disliked and we all like to .. be liked). But it is what it is. I don't have the ethical right to prevent my husband from visiting his son, or to suggest that he doesn't (as long as his son is not aggressive to my husband, that is!)
And so, it is a compromise.
Try to have empathy for your husband. He is in a difficult situation too. Don't make it more difficult for him than it already is and please, don't punish him for making the only possible compromise on the matter, as I see it.
ly from Christy on Mar 29 2018 at 15:49 (GMT)
Thank you. We've just sat and had a good long, calm talk. I'm in a much better place with the situation and know we will get through this. He has tried so hard for me (for us) and is really doing the only thing he can. He has the support of his other children who are mortified by the brother's attitude. Apparently he has been quite rude to his mother about her partner's role in the wedding - so at least it's not just me he wants to disappear.
My husband and I are going overseas the following weekend to celebrate the birthday of one of my children. All my kids will be there with partners and we're having a birthday lunch on the beach. It will be a healing lotion on our sores
Thank you everyone. This site is a treasure
So the wedding has come and gone. My husband came straight back as promised - despite certain guests clubbing together and buying him a flight for the following day! He was emotionally wrecked when he came home. The whole day had been an ordeal but his other children had supported him. Despite the groom's promises, my husband had to sit next to his ex (which really peed me off).
So he did the right thing. He did the only thing he could given the way his son behaved. But I feel so sore about it all. It has knocked all the scabs off the wounds from 10 years ago when his kids wouldn't speak to me or acknowledge us. I feel as if I'm sitting waiting for the next time one of them turns round and says "Hey Dad, we need you but she can do one". It has made me realise that I can be dropped at any time and it's not a feeling I am comfortable with. Maybe time will help (we're off with my kids for this weekend so I can really relax then) but I just can't shake off the feeling that I'm a disposable item to be cast aside as and when required. I am just so hurt
Why is it that you think your husband will cast you aside in the future? I can’t imagine another situation that could come up where he would be asked to compromise his current marriage. But then again, there are baptisms and holidays. This “boy” needs to knoe that his denands are not going to be honored.
Funny that the son did the same thing to his mother and her male friend. He is either living in a fantasy world or needed to put on a show. Was there something with the new bride or her family that he needed to show his birth mother and father together? (Like they don’t accept divorce or something)?
I hope you can let this go and get some peace back in your marriage.
The thing that I find hard to understand is why the sons behaviour is being tolerated at all. I know it's difficult to disappoint your kids, but really, how far do you let them go before you put your foot down and say, "OK, if you don't like it, P Off"? If I was in your place I'd be really miffed at the group of people who pooled together to buy your husband another flight home, that actually sounds like a deliberate attempt to undermine your marriage. My stance on this sort of thing is usually a little too harsh for most people, but when people treat me badly, (enough that I'm stewing on it), I just cut them off until they acknowledge their behaviour and apologise. It's a sad thing that most people who treat others badly are also the same people who refuse to back down and apologise. In that event I just figure I haven't lost anything, on the contrary I've gotten rid of a rude, arrogant douche. If you're in charge of buying cards, birthday presents, etc, for all the kids, (your husbands as well), I would just cross Spoiled Baby Son and his wife off the list, and let your husband deal with it. It's a passive-aggressive way of telling them where to go and letting them know they're next-to-nothing in your big picture. Make your husband take a side - your side. Because really, now the wedding's over that should be it. If they have babies then let them come to you and your husband, if not just learn to live without this horrid little boy in your lives. Being as he did the same thing to his mother's partner it sounds like this brat has just never had anyone put him in his place. Mummy and Daddy are feeling so guilty about their divorce that they're playing doormat.
I have been in a similar situation, (though only dating the guy), and I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed it when I finally let go and told him what a vile little snot his daughter was. Strange thing was, he was on the phone begging forgiveness within 24 hours, for making me put up with his daughter. Because I was being so tolerant about it he didn't realise how angry I was. I say let the anger out, ban the son from your home until he learns to respect other people and stop being a prat.