My girlfriend has moved out
Hi, I have been with my girlfriend for 1 year on the 12th January. We met when she started at my place of work at the time. It was frowned upon from the start. We met up and met up without anyone knowing. We had been going for walks on the promanade twice a week and messaging every day. We did everything we could because of how we made each other feel. Saw each other for few hours in between us crossing shifts (i was working nights and she was working days).
We had met up from middle of November 2016 and on the 4th of February 2017 we moved in together. My partner had to try move here because of the job, save driving to and from work each day. I had to move out my flat because i wadnt earning enough money. So we got a 2 bedroom flat and the plan was to have seperate rooms. We had to spend the 1st week sleeping together due to furniture being moved.
Over few weeks or a month we eventually slept in same room and had a spare room. I caused a massive argument that caused her to leave for the night. She had planned longer but we talked and comprimised. My issues always been ive been controlling. Not in a i want to destroy your happiness way. But the fear of losing someone to other people or that. I know and have always known it was bad. We have had few arguments over the 11 months we have lived together. 1-3a month. Some stupid some big whete she has wanted to leave. I have been changing, maybe not as fast as she wanted but i have been better. She cut some friendish people out at the time for me so we could have a fresh start. I only have 1 friend, hes been there for me. But here she had no one and her family was over hour away. Shes always wanted to move back home or close and that was our plan for both ideas.
But start of this week she told me she wanted to leave and move home and i wasnt coming with her. She said that it was to do with me as well. I was shocked as last she said was about making 2018 our year and to stop all negativity. I have been very emotional and past week has been hard. Ive tried to get her to stay and she was positive that it would help us hopefully go back to that way of missing each other and igniting the passion we had. She wasnt 100 percent sure ots what she wanted but she always did want to be back at home. So today she has moved out. Ive been in work all day and didnt really have time to say see you later that well.
Tonight im going home to an empty flat. Last night i annoyed her on our last night together because upstairs had left us a bottle of wine as saying sorry for making noise the previous night. I took it badly due to the emotional state i was in,plus ive never liked them and i wanted us to have nothing to do with them with them may be doing drugs. So now she less positive about us and doesnt know when she wants to meet up again or if we will last. She is my world, my princess.
Ive had relationships before and misscariages...engagments. but never have i felt how she makes me and the world we did create. I dont really have anyone to talk to about it all as it will push her away and i dont want to annoy my friend. Theres alot more im skipping over about feelings and stuff, but i dont want to take away our personal story thats between us.
Do I see this as a positive that we still together and are going to try? Or that this could fail. Ill do anything to prove to her im still the one she fell for.
What was it about, ADZIO, this massive argument that you started?
I know...I just need to fight the urge. I only have 1 friend and I cant rely on him for everything. I just dont know how to fight the urge. For over a year we messaged each other day to night, we said goodmorning and goodnight, have good day at work. I feel as though im breaking all that.
It was about 3-4 months into our relationship and i was having a bad day in work. I worked 12-14 hour shifts at the time. I had met her on my break and we went around town for our local bank holiday stuff going on. We had a blast and i hated that i couldn't stay out with her. She had arranged for a friend to come and do her nails. I went home for my second break and on way back to worked, i thought they had been drinking so i kicked off. over the next few hours i bugged her and bugged her through message and prank calls. when i got home she had left. I walked down road after road to where i knew she would have gone and eventually tried to calm down and went back. She came back after we both finished work the next day and we talked and came to compromise. over time the arguments about things were still there. But that controlling side all but went. i started being the opposite. Yeah i stopped her from talking to those people who were involved...thoiught it was for the best. No excuses. But from then i encouraged her to make friends and go home to see her family more
Friendly lecture then qvestions - pliss answer all off zem in order, ya?... ;-)
To move in together - do something that important and hard-to-get-out-of after only 3 piddly months of getting to know her as a romantic partner, you may as well have just set a timer for a bomb to go off. Same goes for messaging every day: REGARDLESS of 'what everyone (idiot) else (fearful, social validation-seeking sheep) is doing', texts should be for things like, Outside Pizza Hut, where are you?. Texts and emails are *notorious* for miscommunication and upset/suspicion-seed-planting. The foundation of a relationship building is the most important element. Make it out of genuine solid layers LAID VERY THICK before you attempt to even DREAM about the idea of getting to put a phase-by-phase-built skyscraper atop it.
You don't text everyday UNTIL you're cohabiting (after a good year at very least of dating). And if you want the foundation to be the real McCoy, make it BY PHONE - twice a week during the first 3 months, building appropriately in response to the incrementing of trust and intimacy (and trust and trust), from there.
1. Why did you both rush? Who initiated that fast-forwarding? Also, regardless - did you initiate or agree to the rushing due to the fact that ("I only have 1 friend and I cant rely on him for everything.") you needed the company?
Ideally, if you want a romance to last, your life needs to be full and running satisfactorily and like clockwork before you meet. The romantic relationship skyscraper is built atop your life and lifestyle building so - again - if the latter's flat roof has bits missing everywhere or gaping holes and you attempt to add on a foundation for a skyscraper and then skyscraper itself, then... [and so on].
2. Can you see it now I've put the concept into visuals for you?
Throw away the Social-Cultural Norms rulebook - RIGHT NOW - and pick up the proper Relationship one (the one your parents should have instilled in you). The first is written ("a-duh-a-duuh") by man FOR MAN and for modern living. Romantic relationships - pairbonding - is a primitive-natural programme dictated/writ by Mother Nature (our programmer-puppeteer), that requires NO contrivance and speeding along BY US...our 'inner animals' have got it covered. Here, SHE decides what works and what doesn't (she's very insistent on that....might let us get away with bending her requirements elsewhere without too much bad comeback but - not this one...because it's THE main one). So if you ignore it (it's writ as Instinct - unfettered) or were never properly emotionally/romantically educated by your parents as you grew up (?), or try to follow today's likewise ill-educated herd, then... tick-tick-tick...BOOM!
"My partner had to try move here because of the job, save driving to and from work each day."
3. Had to? Are you saying, previously she didn't need to drive to and from work, or only fractionally compared to from your town?
4. I'm confused, though, because - considering you had to move out of your place ANYWAY, then, why not take that opportunity to choose a love-nest nearer to your same place of work?
But - see? Already you and she were operating like **LIVE-IN FRIENDS (see below) instead of lovers. If it's too soon to share a bed, it's too soon to move in (and really, you shouldn't move in together until you come back from your marital Honeymoon - so that's another 'crapism' that's for too long been taken on BUT HOW'S IT WORKING OUT FOR YOU, FOLKS? I rest my know-it-all case.).
The next WEIRD thing I note is the fact that despite you were in a romantic relationship/lovers and had already agreed to cohabit - suddenly(?) in came this ridiculous self-protection mechanism i.e. Keep Back! stick, called, 'But we won't sleep in the same bed' (que?).
5. Whose idea was that?
If it was to belatedly try to slow the relationship down again, well -  clearly it didn't/couldn't work, either/both of you was *bound* to give into temptation via some excuse and  a case of too little too late by then, don't you now think?
But ultimately, I think you both KNEW deep-down (because we sense the niggle) that you 'already had stuff taking up room in your Love Needs drawer' - your need, each, for more company/friendship - meaning, not enough of what should have been PURELY and solely for Love stuff. Urges/ideas/actions borne only out of Pure Love.
** Here's the thing: To that degree of personal needfulness, Circumstantial Like (need more company/family) naturally attracts Circumstantial Like (need more company/family); she obviously felt the same. So, needing company never usually being a long-term thing (due to forces unseen and beyond our control triggering changes), why WOULD either of you have had your eye on ensuring the romantic foundation didn't get skimped on by the pair of you?
You no doubt recognise it's just common sense now, yes? Little wonder you fought so hard and still are, possibly too hard: you were fighting to keep your girlfriend AND your platonic friend...two people.
In short, from what I can see, you tried to cook a meal by turning on the washing-machine. (:-D, but it's true!) Crystal-clearly, this relationship was never destined by Fate/God to be a bona fide romantic one, it was laid on ("bump! - well, helloooo") a personal classroom of two pupils (with Life the tutor, Consequences its mouthpiece), each having recognised one another's subconscious life-programme agenda at that precise point of life.
...Which is the best new out for you because it means you've completed another college of Life module in your college course called, Find A Permanent Mate. Not long, now, before you graduate and GET that certificate-with-t*ts-and-womb. :-)
So nothing went wrong or went the way it wasn't planned to, and now you're supposed to feel too sh*t to want to go out or do anything other than the very basics, which is Ma Nature's way of ensuring you SIT QUIETLY in order to now start collating in your mental 'filing cabinets', all the data as shows you how you AND the woman should each and together behave, shouldn't behave, GOD-NO! behave, in order to make LASTING Love Pie, rather than a souffle taken out of the oven too early that (what a surprise) goes PLEUGH.
Although, since it was moreover for friendship and company, I imagine it was just that the pair of you just had the very speedy chance to discover you didn't actually like each other enough. Would that be a fair comment?
Free University Education (bar the pain in your heart as you heal from the emotional cuts and bruises as your tuition fee).
It's all good. Just doesn't feel like it at the time. :-) But then your next relationship feels even better AND LASTS LONGER for it - possibly permanently (if that was your final module?).
Let *her and life/events* prove me wrong:  given the schedule control that she insists on having - she does indeed try to return;  I get an invite to yours and her wedding in 2 year's time. ;-) (I won't come. But that's not the point. ...as the 'actress' said to the bishop. :-D)
Back to the details (because the bell for end of class may *not* have rung yet) :
1. Have you ever flounced-out during an argument? Or do you tend to want to sort it out that same evening, even if that pre-necessitates 20 mins or so of Time Out?
"My issues always been ive been controlling. Not in a i want to destroy your happiness way. But the fear of losing someone to other people or that. I know and have always known it was bad. "
2. In what ways and situations do you try to control? And name the last thing she did/that happened that had you feeling horribly insecure and trying to self-medicate or cancel it out by controlling something? And then the time before that (giving timeframe)?
3. What was annoying about your neighbour's act (although, I get you'd have been extremely tense and anxious by the time the guillotine were actually above your neck)? Were they interrupting? And did you express it to them or to her (or both)? How?
"I have been very emotional and past week has been hard"
Well of course you bloody have. There'd be something WRONG with you if you hadn't! Couldn't SHE understand that you'd have been naturally HIGHLY wound up at that point?
4. Is she normally sympathetic about how you feel in reaction to X, Y, Z? (She wasn't in this case, was she - using your natural reactivity as justification for her 'feeling even less positive' - what is she - heartless/stupid?) Or would you, looking back, consistently get punished for emotional states that were not only natural but which [think back carefully] she herself had provoked or manufactured?
5. Why would you friend...FRIEND... get ANNOYED with you if you tried to talk about this with him?
6. Were you deeper down trying to replace this 'friend', do you think? (Again, think it through.)
7. "Theres alot more im skipping over about feelings and stuff"
(PS: You're not breaking anything. Daily texting gets paused during Time Out (which she called and insisted on having sole control over, with your immaterial agreement to).
8. 'Fiendish people' - in what ways? Doing/saying things to try to split you up/put her off you?...that sort of thing?
The argument you caused (- I'll be the judge of that, thank-you):
9. Why would it have been a problem if she and this (single?) friend had been drinking?
10. Define kicking-off? Or do you mean the bugging was the kicking-off?
(PS: CHRIST, you're honest and transparent?! Kudos! Have a medal: :-))
11. Define prank calls?
12. Where HAD she gone, that you knew she'd be at? And HOW did you know?
13. What was the compromise you reached?
14. WHY did the arguments re-surface over the ensuing time? What caused them?
(PS: "But that controlling side all but went." And another: :-))
"Yeah i stopped her from talking to those people who were involved"
15. You mean, these same (quote) fiends?
16. "But from then i encouraged her to make friends and go home to see her family more"
Ah. So you did what she said she wanted - backed off a bit, gave her more freedom - and - as today shows - she reacted like she didn't actually like it, is that what you're trying to basically say?
PS: I don't get enough time to post daily but I never leave anyone hanging for very long. Just bear that in mind and don't ever panic. If you want reassurance/proof, see Lily's very long-haul thread.