Troubles with my mother in law
I am writing my story here because it is a family issue and it would be very difficult to really tell my husband how i feel because it is his mother.
I met my husband 5 years ago. We starting dated and quickly knew we were meant for each other.
Ever since, his mom has been extremely difficult with me and i do not have a solution anymore.
My parents are still married and i have a great relationship with all my family and it was a dream of mine to have a big blended family with my husbands family so i did everything that i could to have the best realtionship with her.
My mother in law: she got divorced from my husband dad (who died 10 years later) when he was 12 yo. She screamed and asked for the divorce in front of my husband and his sister.
She got in another relationship quickly after with someone much younger who would take picture of her daughter naked and ask teenage girls to touch their breast. But she placed herself the victim of this whole situation and only felt sorry for herself. (The guy lived with her and her kids for 7 years).
She quickly moved on to another guy and have her kids met him 2 weeks after dating him. Lasting 2 years and did it all over again and so on and so on. We are now at boyfriend number 7 and my husband and I refused to meet him after only a month and she cried for days saying how insensitive we are.
My husband is very « weak » with her and let her do and say anything she wants.
From the past 5 years with me:
When my husband does something she does not like, she tells my sister in law that she is sure it is because of my influence
We lived abroad with my husband for 3 years and she would come often. Everytime i have seen her, she told me she cannot believe my parents never came to visit (i visited them), and she really insits on the cannot believe
When she came to visit us at home one week with her boyfriend, we spent all the free time that we had with them, taking them to all reestaurants, doing activities, going to the movies annd the sunday after an activity, we told them we would go do something for a couple of hours and gave them a plan that we prepare for them with suggestions. When my parents came once, we maybe went to the movies and thats it. 2 years later she told us that this trip was devastating for her because we abandonned them for 2 hours abd she was in complete shock. When i tried to understand what she was talking about because i honestly did not have a clue, she told me that this is no surprise to her that i do not remember.
When my parents invited her to meet her, they told her what a wondderful job she did raising my husband but she just repllied thank you
My parents were professionnal tennis players and they showed her a little training and she did not have one word for them just that she felt very excluded because she does not understand the rules
They invited her ti the movies to see a christmas ffamily tradition cartoon and she just said that she really did not like it
On our wedding day: the moment that my parents and i saw each other for the first time in our living room, she took me apart to tell me she had a little car incident the same morning. Completeley ruined this sacred moment
During the wedding brunch that my brother organized, she did not help 1 minute and was after my brother looking him work and told him to go a 1hour drive to get more food (this was during the brunch) and told me he was a liar for saying that but a lot of people saw and heard it.
One month after the wedding, we visited her. After a 11hour drive to her home, we spent the entire day together with her and went groceries shopping for 1 hour only with my husband. When we were back, she was crying and saying that we do not want to spend time with her and yelling and all. My husband would never try to bring some sense into her so i said we spent all day with her and then she run to the bathroom screaming and crying and locked herself. Completely okay for a parent? Then when she came out, she said that she had a really miserable life (which is of course not true, she has a home, food, a job..) and that we must absolutely be aware that it is not for sure that we will spend the rest of our life together. I did not sleep this night, i was crying in the living room (3 am) and she woke up (probably thinking it was my husband because she would do anything to talk, spend time or anything with my husband) and when she saw me (crying) she just left.
The lunch after, his sister was there to try to make the situation better but all that happened was his mother crying for 2 hours and us around the table, because we would go sleep at my husbands grandmother place next to hers. She said she would kill herself, she said she did not understand what she did and since her kids were just looking at her with so much compassion and caressing her arm, i said that it was not very nice to say that we might not spend all our lives together, she started yelling and crying even more « of course i wish you to stay together, i wish you happiness (deforming what i said she said) inwould never wish ly miserable life on anybody, ever » and locked herself again in the bathroom.
In 5 years i have tried everything in my power to connect with her and have a great relationship. Call her (she never call me back), send her gifts, but she could not care less about me.
So as i have been really hurting about all she said and done to me, i have decided after the last trip to erase her from my life and just open the door when she comes and not be invested anymore, with the approval of my husband.
Yesterday was her birthday but i still messaged her.
But since our last trip to her place and all the things she said and did, i just cannot let it go because nobody ever told her her truth and now it is really growing on me the rage and resentment and i dont know what to do anymore.
What is the best solution?
Thank you so much for your help as i am lost and hurt.
It sounds like your MIL may be a narcissist. There is a support group on reddit called Raised by Narcissists that is all about dealing with parents like this, and one called JustNoMIL for narcissistic mother-in-laws. I would spend a bit of time poking around and seeing if you think the narcissist checklists apply to your MIL and if so dig deeper into books and resources about narcissistic abuse. From this post it sounds like you are the scapegoat and SIL is the golden child and a flying monkey, and your husband is an enabler.
Unfortunately AFAIK the two effective ways of dealing with narcissists are to cut off contact (most effective) or to "grey rock" them (which is basically be as boring as possible so she loses interest). I don't think there is any way to "fix" a narcissist who doesnt want to be fixed and you can drive yourself insane trying.