I thought I would never feel like that again. But I'm very close to feeling like that again. My mind somehow convinces me everytime someone whispers, it's about me. Some people actually have been spreading silly false rumors about me and I feel like everyone believes it. Even I kind of believed it eventhough it's 100% not true. Anyway, any slight thing I do, I feel like everyone is waiting for me to fail. I can imagine them all laughing at me. This has made me very upset and I have started to cry frequently again. I have also become distant with my family and taking my anger and built up hurt on them which isn't fair. I keep everything to myself. Nobody knows I feel this way because I hide myself very well. I have no desire to get out of bed. School is hell for me. All those eyes...all those people waiting to ridicule me. I'm not happy anymore. Nothing is enjoyable for me.
What should I do? I don't want to tell anyone. I have never spoken about my feelings to anyone (once to my friend but I immediately regretted it for weeks) and I am a very shy person. I also don't want to look like an attention seeker. Please help me... I know this won't be good for me in the long run. I'm scared if one day I just snap and kill myself? I know it's extreme but I don't know what I'm capable of.
Sorry it's so long and I'm happy if you read it all.
There are 2 general categories of suicidality, active and passive. Passive means you want to die but you don't want to kill yourself. Active means you want to kill yourself and are potentially starting to formulate a plan. Sometimes suicidal people will have a mix of both kinds of thoughts or swing from one to the other. If you are having active suicidal ideation (it sounds like you are), you need to contact a responsible adult about it immediately. If there's nobody you trust to talk to, there are suicide crisis lines for teens that you can call. Please don't think you are just being an attention seeker. It's OK to need attention sometimes and depression/suicidality is not a small issue.
If you can, look into professional counselling/therapy (regardless of whether you are actively suicidal or not). I personally wouldn't talk directly to school counsellors about this in detail because I don't think they are well trained on these issues and they aren't confidential (will report on you back to the government or your parents in some cases), so they may end up overreacting and doing the wrong thing. But they may have information about what kind of public health resources might be available to you. If your parents have health insurance you may also have extra mental health coverage under their plans.
During times when you are depressed but not actively suicidal, self care can help you to feel better. As much as you can, try to make sure you are sleeping, eating healthy food, bathing, socializing, exercising, and drinking water in enough quantities and on a regular schedule. If you are too tired to do this perfectly, do the best that you can; it's better to have a clean face and some dry shampoo in your hair than not doing hygiene at all for the day. If you search online for "depression self care checklist" there is a lot of info online about small things you can do that add up. There are also phone apps you can get that will periodically remind you to do self-care.
If you can find the energy, it might help you to do a small amount of regular volunteer work. I used to volunteer at my local SPCA. It feels good to do good for others, and it can open up a new social circle that isn't directly hooked up to the gossip ring at school.
I hope this isn't too overwhelming! You don't need to do all of this, you can experiment and see what helps you. The only part that is a "must-have" is that if you are suicidal you need to talk to a crisis line or other qualified adult about it ASAP.
I've got some questions for you:
"once to my friend but I immediately regretted it for weeks"
Pray tell? And was this - and the, I presume, however much subsequent rumour-mongering - what put you permanently off trusting others with your innermost thoughts, social handicap-ettes and fears? Give me the details and we'll see. But put it this way - you made a point of mentioning it, and not exactly in a logical place, considering you'd only just finished telling us it was all in your mind (bloody isn't, you know - the fact you're capable of being fine and yourself during any period devoid of external triggers plus the fact there *are* such triggers going on - FACT! - say so).
By the way - you're *supposed* to be an attention-seeker on here. WHY don't you want to look like an attention-seeker? Is that automatically a bad thing in your household or among your social group? Maybe you legitimately NEED some attention and aren't getting your automatic quotient, rather than are some human pac-man? Does that backdrop not transform a negative trait into a positive strength? (Psst! The answer begins with Yuh and ends in Ess, LOL).
How come - and this is what I most want to know - you're not capable of telling your mum and/or dad of all people, when that (usually) is at the top of their job descriptions list? What reaction would you expect if you did? And how come you're not being bugged to tell either one of them why you're so quiet and down and spending so much time up in your room? (Or are you?)
What you 'should do' is precisely what you're already busy doing. Coming here and confessing all to us. So that's that anxiety dealt with.
(Right now, I'm picking my nose and flicking it in my ashtray. ("EW!") And farting really loudly. ("UURGH!") OR AM I ("dann-dann-daaaan!")? Who is 'I' anyway? Nobody knows. So who cares about seemingly seeing my own knickers? Certainly not me!
Total freedom to spill your guts - GO FOR IT! )
What - or who - if not this betraying 'friend' you mention - made you so self-conscious and extra-vigilant? Understand, your age and stage (and the 'trapped in a zoo' set-up) makes you vulnerable to such, I'm afraid. But it takes a trigger, usually (think light staying off without a finger to press its switch). So - even if you're not sure, and it's *not* this 'friend', take a wild guess as a starter. Because - human problem = human solution. You're not trapped.
PS: You won't kill yourself. The fact you've been brave and resourceful enough to come on here and 'show us your knickers', so to speak, proves so. But I can definitely relate in my memory banks to your wishing you had a Pause button rather than solely the Stop, Amen one. Does that hit the 'how you feel' nail on the head in that regard? If someone offered you a Pause button, would you take it?
PPS: Long? Nah. The opposite, actually; I blinked and nearly missed it, LOL. We advisers can read entire books, doncha know. Dare you to make the next post longer. Go on - you know you want to.
PPS: What you 'look like' is: sweet, sensitive, sensible, very grown up for your age, and - going by that vastly superior boardname - flippin' talented. I'm betting an awful lot of people at school who constantly feel Less Than (eg. because they're being however badly confidence-chipped by important people in their own lives), feel in whatever ways Less Than when stood next to you in the psychological changing-room mirrors. A reminder or a threat that the put-downs 'could be' true/real. Unless you've sunk to the floor as then makes them appear bigger. Did that ever occur to you regarding what motivates them to try to pull *you* down a peg or two? The other thing will be the fact that kitties your age/stage are naturally busy testing their claws on one another, ready for the "scary" outside jungle (again, it's in your job descriptions). Put those factors plus up-down hormone levels (thus up-down self-control capabilities) together, and school can be an utter, emotional and/or psychological minefield or torture chamber and rollercoaster (or all three and then some...best days of your life MY BOTTOM - IT'S NOTORIOUS!). So - common stuff, common reaction (yours) - same play, different generation of theatre actors (always). In other words, you're normal and so is how you're reacting and behaviourally adjusting in response. In fact, all the copious clues say you're better than normal.
What's *not* normal - hence it threw you so - is a core betrayal and back-stab at the hands of someone who's supposed to be your best friend and confidante (boom!).