Problem with a (literally) distant girl, just need time but would like advice
KUROKATANA - Feb 1 2018 at 15:23
Hello people, I signed up because I wanted to hear what people had to say about by little problem, which is making me very nervous right now. The setting is gonna be a bit long but please keep reading, it's necessary to understand it all. I am a man from Spain (mid 20s), and the girl I want to talk to you about is about the same age, but lives in one of our islands (the Canary Islands).
This "special" relationship goes back a long way, since we actually met about 5/6 years ago via the internet, she found me, technically. Then we shared our facebooks and started talking, and it was clear we were getting pretty close at least in terms of attraction and attention. I didn't think much of it then, about what I felt for her, but in about a year, she suddenly disappeared, she didn't block me or unfriend me, but she just wasn't reading my messages to her, so whenever I thought of her, I said something in the hopes she would answer.
Now cut to 4 years later, in november 2017, in which she actually responds, and with some inquiry, she tells me she disappeared because she was starting to feel bad because we couldn't meet at the time so the relationship was hurting her, which made me think she actually used to feel something for me. Then on the second day we talked we started to talk as if no time had happened, like something binds us together even if we don't notice it. This time I wanted to make it right and was determined to go there (with the help of some friends who live there) and meet her to see what we actually feel.
However, despite these past few months being full of increasingly obvious sentences and behaviours that we feel something strong for each other, she told me this:
This year is very busy for her, she has to finish the final project for college, as well as finish college, and she has some kind of "academy" she has to attend this March until possibly the next academic year (meaning it ends in the summer or in September, I don't know yet, I'll tell you why in a second). I of course already knew all this and I knew sometimes she wasn't online for very long, or maybe even absent for one day or two, but I dind't mind.
What she told me recently is that she wants us to stop having these plans and for me to expect nothing of her, since right now she has no time to "treat me like I can treat her" (I'm slightly older so I've already been through the final project and such, so I'm a bit more free) and the fact that she can't treat me that way right now is hurting her and she feels like she's being selfish by allowing me to continue talking to her like I usually do. So after some back and forth, and me letting her know I only care about what she wants to do, not what she is able to do right now, and that I value her feelings for me more than if she can actually act upon them right now the same way I can, she just stopped talking. I already knew something like that would happen since she has to finish the project this month WHILE also having classes, she's studying medicine so her classes are almost 8h long all day every day. That's why I don't know what this "academy" is and for how long, since I had plans to try to go there on easter holiday (here called Semana Santa) which is 10 days, or summer, since I can't believe even having this academy would prevent her from having any time at all even in summer time.
So my question is, am I supposed to just wait for her to reply whenever? is it possible that she's just overwhelmed and she has basically "chosen my decision for me" and decided I shouldn't talk to her at all in order for me not to get hurt by her (which I don't agree with)? could she just have done the same thing she did 4 years ago, stopped talking indefinately because the situation is too much for her? My main problem is that I'm a very quiet person, but my mind is always racing, meaning I overthink about it A LOT so sometimes I think to myself "she said she wouldn't have time, so I don't have to bother her, when she has time she will talk to me and we will sort this out" and "what if she is doing what she thinks is best and has stopped talking indefinately under the assumption that I know she has no time, just to prevent me from getting hurt or hurting her?" and other positive-negative thoughts back and forth, and it's really distracting me from my other obligations. Some people I talk to say that she's lying and just telling me to go away but based on what I've felt I don't think that's true so pleae don't reply with that in mind. But the main consensus is that I have no other solution but to just wait until she can/wants to reply, which is torturing me.
I have so many things I want to show her, to do with her, to live with her, and I think for whatever reason her "solution" right now, despite being a "valid" reason (having no time for a committed relationship or even try one) is not a "good" reason if two people feel the same way about each other, since it's so hard to find love. I wonder what happened from one day to another for her to go from being her natural self to just saying we should drop this because she has no time (when we already knew that from before).
Thanks in advance people.
I get what you mean, I really do. It's just that I know there's more to it, which she has demonstrated lots of times before this sudden change, what I would like to know is why this change when it's pretty obvious what she feels for me, wether she can act upon it or not.
I asked her a couple of times when it would be the best time to go there but she said she wasn't sure because of her obligations. I'd go stay there in a milisecond if she was actually forward and clear about it. In fact, before this sudden change, she said that depending on her grades, she could ask to study her "Master" (the final step of the career, one year) here in Madrid, where I live.
All of those things indicated her interest and her feelings, but something changed about a week ago for her to suddenly become "realistic". I guess she's more stressed out than she was before, but it's still a huge leap from her previous behaviour.
Thanks for the reply though
Your LD relationship does sound like a heartbreak. Spending so much time on someone you care about and hope for a future can be exciting and a huge let down.
You mentioned being on Facebook together? Are you messaging privately, or where family and friends can see? If communication is mostly PM, you could be avoiding the a very important part of a relationship. “Family & Friends”?
Have you meet her family online/Facebook? Or have you tried to connect with her friends? Or has she meet your Mom or siblings? If your relationship is mostly secret or private, her friends & family could be WARNING her about getting too close to someone with no background information/check? This world can be SCARY!
If you have both been introduced with each others FaceBook Family/Friends, can you tell how they feel about you?
Timing is EVERYTHING! Sorry but clearly, you two are not on the “same page” in life.
I’d respect her wishes and once again back off. And I hope & pray you’ll find a sweet girl who lives closer to you and ready for a relationship.
Thanks for the replies, though I see a lot of negativity and a certain degree of misunderstanding. Of course, I can't expect people to just "believe" me when I say there's something obviously there between us that in part motivated this sudden change, it's easier to just say the other person is lying and to leave them alone, but I know that's not the case.
My question was basically if there was something else I could actively do other than wait for her to be able and willing to reply, because I overthink a lot. Of course that's not counting just "forgetting her" which I'm absolutely not going to do until I get to the bottom of this (which I can't now because she's not replying so I stopped trying until she does). If there are no more useful suggestions other than wait or leave, then I'm just gonna wait. Trust me, nobody's waiting for me here so I'm not missing out on anybody.
I am not ugly or fat or short but I find it extremely hard to like somebody as more than friends and that also seems to be the case the other way around. Actually finding someone I like that likes me back happens like once a decade, so I'm not letting this go that easily, especially if the clear message is "I can't because I have no time now and I can't ask you to wait for me", which means it's circumstantial which means it could have succeeded more easily any other year (when she wouldn't have the final project) which means this is just unfair and I shouldn't contribute to it by just surrendering.
Thanks. Yes, if for some reason she doesn't say a sinlge word until then (wether it's because she has literally no time, she doesn't want to associate with me again, she's "protecting" me by keeping me away etc), I'm planning to go there this Easter or this summer thanks to some friends that live there. I'm sure I can get something out of her if she's actually physically present, so that's my last resort if it comes to that.