My girlfriend is untidy
LUC1212 - Feb 2 2018 at 15:50
I have been living with my girlfriend for a year and I have litterally come to the end of my tether, over one issue, which is that she is incredibly untidy. I'm a patient person, I like to help people but I don't know what to do about this anymore.
I, myself am not anal nor OCD but I like a clean and tidy house. At most I'm house proud and I don't consider it to be a bad thing. I like our home on the inside to look essteticially pleasing so if anyone walks in, friends, family, they don't think we're complete slobs.
Before you think I'm some sort of Hitler and think I mean my girlfriend should do all the house work, then don't, I'm not like that, I do my fair share and more and truth is, sometimes, it feels like I'm looking after a small child and myself.
My girlfriend isn't bothered at all about how the house looks. She'll leave cups and dirty plates around, I have found plates with stale food on and cups moulding tea. Wet towels on the bed so when she gets inot bed at night her side is wet. We do our own washing and ironing and she let's it get to the point were the wash bin overflows and her clothes are flung on the bedroom floor, any ironing to be done is flung into the spare bedroom and left fr weeks or until the day comes where she needs it. We're lucky enough to have two bathrooms, so we technically have one each and if need to use hers, it's unhygienic, there are used sanitary products on the floor, toilet not clean, sink has toothpaste and make up all over it. When she cooks it looks like a food bomb has hit the kitchen. A general quick tidy of the house or a quick hoover, does not seem to come into her mind.
Her car is filled with cups, glasses, clothes, wrappers, rubbish bags, where she's attempted to tidy but never made to the bin. | know it's her car but it seems she has no self pride and shell let anyone get into it. In the past if I'm washing my car I'll do hers but it goes back to the same so I don't anymore.
She intelligent, runs her own business, works from home, I know and have seen that her can organise herself. She has two days off a week, I don't expect her in those two days to tidy all day, I want her to go out, but to tidy up after herself and do some washing would be a good start.
We have had many discussions regarding this over the last year. She'll listen and agree with what I say, along with any suggestions I have, promises me she'll do more but I know she thinks I'm being a pedantic twat and wants me to tidy up after her because nothing changes. I dont like getting angry but when I do, she makes it out like I'm the one with the massive problem and says I'm hot headed. When I tidy at the weekends/evenings she complains because she want to go out and says I'm wasting time that we could be spending together.
This week she has been away, and the house has remained tidy, everything has been kept on top of and it took no time at all. I'm not constantly tidying, I feel a lot less stressed, my mind is clear and I want it to stay this way but I know the minute she walks through the door it will not stay like this and the house will go back to what it was, which is depressing . I want to address this again with her but unsure how to go about it. I'm willing buy, do anything, put something in place so our home can remain like it is currently?
Thanks in advance for advice
I don’t think she will change, it could be the way she was brought up (in an untidy home or no one never took the time to tell/teach her about cleaning up or other people did it for her). Perhaps make sure she understands that untidiness is a big issue for you and can bring the relationship down, if she cares enough about the relationship she’ll put in a bit of effort.
Being someone that likes organization and neatness, I can appreciate your frustration. Your environment in which you live or work creates a frame of mind that can be very dynamic and productive or one which is negative. I get it. With that being said, let’s look at you options.
When you cohabitate or marry someone, you know you will both be giving up somethings(s) to become a harmonious and loving home. Whether you are aware of the other’s shortcomings or not, you must know they exist and there must be a willingness on the part of either or both to change. The change may be just emotional. I’m not a behavioral expert, but my guess is, after repeated requests from you and the implied importance to you, she probably will not change this behavior of hers. It’s not important enough for her to change. Or (and this may be hard to read) you may not be important enough to her to change. Have you thought about a separation to determine how committed you are to each other? By the way, that is one of the advantages of marriage. Things like this very seldom would lead to a separation. Marriage is a commitment. Living together is more of a convenience.
Another option, as mentioned in an earlier post, is a housekeeper. If you can afford one, problem solved.
To sum up my narrative here, how important is she to you? Is she worth picking up after? Is she worth the extra expense to have someone else pickup for her? Of all her qualities, where does her neatness fall in your value of her? Once you identify what attracts you to her, you may find this to be less significant than you think.
I wish to best for you and your girlfriend and hope for a long term relationship.
I grew up in a really tidy home. My mom cleaned parts of the house every single day, always ran a few loads of laundry, and when she wasn't at home she would clean at work.
I had an ex I lived with and I remember that was a jarring experience. She wasn't super messy, but she was a little more disorganized than me. Before I moved in with her I was very ocd about balancing my checkbook and organizing where I put stuff in my living space.
After a few months I stopped using a checkbook and got a bit lazier than I was before. Not that I was really strict or structured before, I just realized eventually that some things are worth worrying about and stressing over more than others.
And it kind of went both ways - she also made a conscious effort to improve a little and meet me halfway.
So I think this is something that might balance itself out. You'll make compromises as a couple, and eventually find happy mediums that you can both live with.
I realize there are some really high maintenance and ambitious people out there, people with tons of drive and energy and confidence, and they might have limits as to what they will and won't accept. But you love your partner, and nobody is perfect. You need to remember, you're both making a life together - that may require adjusting your own pace and being less tense.