Scandalous story, is my relationship toxic? Please help
Before I get into anything here’s a little background. My ex broke up with me I spiralled and decided I wanted a no string relationship. I started fucking this new guy from work I had no feelings for, but then ended up hooking up with a long time friend from work (I know terrible) on a Vegas trip.
As soon as we hooked up I ended things with the other guy. Well I told him maybe when this guy leaves(because he was getting ready to change locations) which was a terrible thing to say my old fbuddy freaked out got so angry.
At this point I just want to be friends so nothing gets wierd. I decided to tell the other guy my current boyfriend(let’s call him j )now the truth about this guy(call him d) because I didn’t want it to come from anyone else. He said he was okay with it since it was in the past but then he freaked out and wanted to end things. Shortly after he came back and said he didn’t want me to talk to him or hang out with him.
For me this felt very possessive we hadn’t even started dating yet and I wanted to fix things with the d , to apologize and to make sure he didn’t start talking crap about me at work. So I went with him to get a hollowed costume and lied to j about it saying I went with my best friend. Later on he caught me in that lie when he saw my call history. We caught but he stayed and eventually we made thing a official.
But he never forgave me, he started reading my text messages, instagram, Facebook private messages between close friends. When we’d get into arguments he’ll call me a bitch a slut a hoe a liar a fake ass. He’s constantly questioning me asking who I’m with,are you alone?
He left to Japan so now we are long distance when I don’t reply right away to him he automatically assumes I’m talking to someone. If I don’t say babe I’m going to the bathroom he’ll freak out . He’s broken up with me and gotten back together so many times I can’t even count. He tells me I fucked him up and now I’d try and leave him after I did this to him.
Recently I lied on 2 other occasions 1 i blocked a person on Facebook so he couldn’t see the messages even though they were from 7 years ago idk I panicked and did it and he knew my log in info so he found out and thought it was suspicious. And 2nd time I lied when my best friend(he’s a guy) came over for 10 minutes trying to escape a crazy girlfriend, I told him he just called . But he read the real story on I’m one of my instagram dms to a close friend and then caught me. These are things that are not bad and I don’t understand why I lied about? I’ve never felt the need to lie about anything, I pride my self on being honest and straight forward but I just freak out and lie with him
So at this point he thinks I’m a liar probably thinks I cheat but he won’t leave today he broke up with me and for the first time I didn’t fight it. I said okay, even through all the name calling I told him to have a good life. But 5 minutes later he asked if I’ll stay or go and I said I’d stay.
I’ve never felt so pathetic and wrong. I feel like a bad person but I also hate the way he talks to me. But everytime I bring it up, how I hate his possessive tendency’s how he’s always questioning me and trying to track me, how I hate the things he says to me when he’s upset. He apologizes , he does it because he loves me but says I deserve it because I haven’t earned his trust.
Im about to go on a deployment for 6 months and he will too towards the end of mine and I’m not sure if we’re strong enough at this point to survive it .just don’t know how to earn his trust? Or even if I should continue to try when he treats me this way? Is it going to change when and if he ever trust me or should I just give up?
'he does it because he loves me but says I deserve it because I haven’t earned his trust'
This is the real problem here.
The relation of love is built upon trust and mutual respect among other things. If he says he does't trust you then he should just stay away instead of continuously spying on you. Such relations can't stand in the long run and need to be broken off sooner than later. You may experience less pain now that you already know its heading in the wrong direction. Otherwise, you will just have to go through more emotional trauma before realizing it isn't worth it.
Also, when the other person starts stripping you of your dignity, just know its time to move on. Relations are supposed to give the sense of security and not scare you.
'I’ve never felt so pathetic and wrong.'
If you are feeling this way then it will be better for you to just severe all ties. Its important that the other person does not make you feel like this. You must learn to love and respect yourself before others. And no, this is not being selfish! You are just keeping yourself above the range of all that hurt and pain.
You talked about all the bad things that happened since this relationship started. Lying because you are scared is not the sign of a healthy relationship. You just need to sort out things in your own heart first. Just figure out what you really want from this relationship and are you really getting that or not. If you still want to continue, just have a heart-to-heart with him and tell about all your feelings. Give it your best shot TOGETHER. But if even then, nothing changes, you know what to do.
You have many reasons to end this now but do you have any reason to hold on which outweighs all the negative effects he is having on your life? Ask yourself.
All the Best