Just need to vent
So my boyfriend of 5 year's Google account is synced to mine. I'm visiting family in another state and can see him searching Craigslist for casuel encounters. What a great way to start Valentines Day week. I'm broken.
No this isnt the first time hes cheated. Hes a possible sociopath who im pretty sure is incapable of love. Im clearly more invested then he is as ive been loyal body, heart and soul and hes had intimate moments including intercourse with at least 3 other women + talks to other girls on a weekly basis. He knows it hurts me. He does not care. How the hell do i move on and why do i still love him? What is WRONG with me?!
Oh i know. He doesnt really 'attract' women, he has to be the one to make the first move, and he forces it, but 99% of them shut him down. I write diary entries to myself heres one that kinda describes my current situation as this was recent as well;
You know when i knew? It was during that phone call in PA right before vday. You told me that yes you have been looking for somebody else to be with, how nobody likes me or wants us to be together, how if even one of the girls you tried to talk to didnt reject you, Id be gone. You'd just leave me in the dirt. That you would throw away the years weve been together and the feelings i thought you had for me, for a shot of being with somebody you barely knew. Thats when i knew it. That you didn't love me.
You probably never have. I was a placeholder for you until you found somebody 'up to your standards' as you put it. Because you didnt want to be lonely. You were using me. Thats what your whole family does. You, your brother and even your sisters. And your mom? Well shes the worst one of them all. Harboring all your deceitful secrets because the only thing she cares about is her children having a better life and being happy even though its hurting people in the process.
No matter what you say or do, you will not convince me otherwise. Love isnt the way you treated me. Like i was disposable. You slept with your ex wife, the person you claim to have never loved, the one you were using for a green card, while we were together, so what does that say about your feelings for me? You couldn't even take 30 dollars out of a paycheck and get my hair cut. But you told me why. Because i wasnt worth it. I didnt earn it.
If i could measure your self worth from your actions since weve been together it wouldn't even fill a bottlecap, but i never treated you that way. I always overwhelmed you with love and did anything i could for you. I was loyal to you in my heart, body and soul since the day we met.
I thought meeting you would be a turning point in my life. That because of all the misery ive faced I finally have been rewarded. That was the biggest lie ive ever told myself. The only thing youve caused me is heartbreak, depression and low self-esteem.
Because of you i know what its like to be surrounded by people and still feel a crippling sense of loneliness. It took me years of unclaimed tears to realize that I love a man who is incapable of love himself. Crying through all those nights while reading through all the messages you've sent to other women. Making them the same broken promises you've made to me.
I look back and thank God he never gave me your child so I could be free of you and never look back.