Need help with college friends and dealing with emotions
ERIKAECH - Feb 12 2018 at 21:21
I am an 18 yr old college student, and I moved across the country for school. I have only made two good friends here. We were really close last semester, but this semester I feel like they have started to judge me indirectly. They are religious and constantly judge girls who sleep around, and I am not religious so I guess I've had more sexual experiences. Some days I feel like they're indirectly judging me when they bring up a girl who's slept around. But I can't tell if it's me who's going crazy. I have so many days where I am either super confident or crippling insecure. They constantly go to the gym and have made improvements in their health and Ive been a roller coaster. I used to play volleyball competitively for 6 years but recently quit so Ive gained weight. As they keep getting healthier i keep going downhill and I can't stop. It's not that my friends have done anything wrong to me it's just that i cant stop comparing my lives to theirs and then im wickedly insecure.
I have days were i dont want to see anoyone or have started to hate my personality more as i start to hate my body. Im a sarcastic person but ive turned to of a more rude sarcastic person and i dont know how to stop. I dont know whether i should leave my friends even though they haven't done anything wrong. They are super caring and were there for me when i went to the hospital this one time. But im starting to feel like everyone hates me. I dont want to feel lonely and im scared and don't want to be friendless. Any advice would be great
Hi ERIKAECH and thanks for checking in. Our social life is important to all of us, regardless of age. It is often found to be very significant in our teen years. The intensity of your feelings regarding the importance you give to friends and relationships is normal.
However, I have a very important question for you. Why is it that you feel “wickedly insecure” when someone compares your values to theirs or when you make this comparison? And why is it that you find sexual activity a big part of this guilt? I will suggest to you that religious people enjoy sex as much as atheists or agnostics. I would love to answer this for you, but I feel this “epiphany” has to come from you.
My last thought is when any of us compare ourselves with others, we will always find some failures and limitations in who and what we are. Unfortunately we focus on our weaknesses in these comparisons and overlook our strengths. What makes you special or different?
If you find yourself struggling with these thoughts and find a lack of motivation for self improvement, you may be struggling with depression. This can be very serious and I ask that you seek a physician’s diagnosis and not your own.
Once again, I hope to hear back from you on this self reflection. I would love to continue this conversation. Oh, and I think you may
have some very good friends.
I guess I feel insecure because I don't feel as accomplished as them. I am feeling better from the last time I posted this thread though. I started working out again, so I am feeling better about myself. But when I truly ask myself why I feel insecure when I'm comparing myself to my friends I feel it's because I think my friends and I are on the same level and when they get/do better things than me then it's a real blow to the confidence and self-esteem. It's like wow that should be me type of thing. But then again I want to be happy for my friends too. So it's a weird circle of emotions.
And I have no doubt religious people enjoy sex as much as atheists and agnostics, it's just that in this case my friends are waiting for marriage and I didn't. So, I feel judged when they talk about a girl who has gone through the same sexual lengths as me, which they are aware of and then they judge that girl. But I can't tell if they are kind of judging me but in an indirect way. Does that make sense? Also, I have had some experiences with drugs and they haven't so same thing there, judging people who have gone the same lengths as me. But then again they are still my friends, but if it's so obvious that they wouldn't be friends with "those" type of people then why are they friends with me? It's like everything I do they disapprove of but they have to be my friend. For some odd reason, they feel like they have to but they really don't. I really hope that made sense.
Plus, any advice on how not to feel like materialistic things prove your worth?
Thank you so much! You have helped me through so much! I'll sure be back if I have any more problems. Thanks! (happy)
So glad we heard back from you. It does make sense to me that you feel judged when your friends compare your behaviors and choices to others in which they may not approve or agree. Whereas you suggest you may not be as accomplished as your friends, that they do better things than you, I question in what areas and how? Please explain to me what it means to you when you say they “get/do better things”. Dig deep and be honest with me on this, please. I think this goes deeper than superficial, material possessions and sexual behaviors. Ask yourself “What do they have that I want?”. Also, ask yourself “Why do I feel guilty when they judge others who act out in ways similar to me?”.
It is hard for me to judge the quality of your friendship with only the information you have shared. If you feel your friends are condescending, discuss your feelings with them. People who openly “put down” others around you, may not be the friends you wish to keep. However, there may be more to this. I also agree with you that they do not need to be friends with you, but it is a choice they have made. So, as I had asked in my previous post, what are your strengths? What makes you a good friend?
I hoping you will reflect on these questions and respond. I will be anxious to hear from you.
So what do they have that I want? It's weird talking about this because I feel like these little problems are going to mean so little to me in the future because they're so silly and it's only my first year in college. And people go through much worse than what I'm going through yet I'm complaining about this... but I guess this is what they have that I want:
Better health, they're going to the gym more consistently than me, we started at the same fitness level and now they're much more ahead than me.
I find this one silly but I'm truly asking myself what they have that I want and I can't seem to not think about this- So I rushed sororities this semester but didn't like the houses at all so i dropped and my friend got the top sorority but she's not social at all but she's a legacy so sucks for me because I started to question my worth so that didn't help
My other friend didn't rush and she is from California and has a lot of money so she's just privileged
And the sorority girl has a lot of guys after her and i guess im just jealous but i dont want to be like her because everyone we meet they ask me separately why she's a bitch and doesn't try to talk so yeah.
Sorority girl has a much better gpa and her family is super connected to the school and she has so many privileges and connections so i think that's like the main reason why im still friends with her which feels so shitty
Wow I just read this and realized that im dwelling on some dumb shit. My problems are so stupid. I think it really helped typing this all out and actually thinking thoroughly about what i want. this really helped me get over some stuff
You’re welcome and thanks for continuing this conversation. It is very mature and wise of you to recognize what most of us struggle with and that is perspective. As someone once said, “I used to complain that I had no shoes, until I met someone that had no feet.” With this self-awareness some conflicts and comparisons should no longer be depressing. Remember we all fight this craving to have more and be more, but if channeled correctly, this can also be a good thing. Allow me to be bold enough to suggest some potential self help ideas.
Focus on what is truly important to you. Identify your personal values and prioritize them. For example, is your health and personal fitness more important than anything else? Is it material possessions, popularity, money, God, friends, or sex, to name just a few values. Once you establish a hierarchy of values you can focus your energy, passions, and expectations in those areas by setting goals consistent with those values and principles. If your priorities are wrong for you, you will feel the conflicts you experienced previously with your friends. When that happens you can change your values to be consistent with you feelings or change your goals. In this case conflict can be your friend.
Finally, you never shared with me what your strengths are but now I can identify one for you….perspective!