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Troubled daughter

Posted by
BARNEY
on Feb 13 2018 at 09:58
Member since: 13 February 2018
Children & Young People advice forum category advice forum category hi i am 63 and my daughter is 29 ..15 years ago my son died and then i got divorced as my husband dissapeared..when my daughter was 22 she moved to a city 300 miles away as she said she cldnt cope being around where she grew up..i have supported her emotionally and finacially all this time bailing her out of debt etc.she hasnt worked since she moved as she has depression and is on esa..i took a second job to help her pay rent etc then found out she was taking drugs and drinking she now comes back to the area to visit but not to see me but hang out as she puts it with old friends ..she has said she will visit and doesnt turn up ,the one time she did she was stoned and ranted at me that it was all my fault that she didnt have an education but she did i kept getting her reinstalled at college and she just kept not going so now ive tried to be tough and said i wont give her any more money she has had 12thousand pounds from me over the last 4 years i have no savings now and i told her im having bypass surgery in the summer but she cldnt care less.i now have her saying the landlord will evict her and she will end her life .im at my wits end .really dont see any end to all this
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Feb 14 2018 at 12:52
Member since: 27 December 2013
First thing is to take care of yourself. Your health is most important.

Has your daughter ever had professional help? Many big things came down on her at age 14. Too much for a young teen to handle. Insist that she get help before asking you for anything more.

Are there any other relatives or friends that can help you out at this time?

Reply from
BARNEY
on Feb 14 2018 at 16:29
Member since: 13 February 2018
thankyou for replying no relatives or friends ...she has had counselling and went to group counselling but didnt follow through .she insists she can get tru depression hersef .so will see how it goes ..thankyou
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Feb 14 2018 at 19:11
Member since: 19 August 2014
Agree with Susiedqq.

But if daughter didn't follow through then she didn't 'have counselling'. Also, relying on you for income isn't 'getting through it herself'.

Stay in touch if you want or need to.

And PS: You sound like an absolutely amazing mum! What help are *you* getting?

Reply from
BARNEY
on Feb 15 2018 at 08:43
Member since: 13 February 2018
no help for me i dont have anyone to talk to but found this site which im hoping will give me the advice i need. ive tried to be a good mum to her but i feel like ive come to the end of the line now .thankyou for replying appreciate it very much
Reply from
MERCI
on Feb 17 2018 at 03:57
Member since: 29 July 2017
My heart goes out to you and I can’t even imagine your heartache. We are about the same age and I’ve struggled with the whole empty nest syndrome. But, after reading your letter I’m embarrassed for missing my children, when they are only a phone call away.

You’ve lost so much, how are you getting through all these trials? Do you have any kind of faith in God?

Just wondering…

Your daughter has also been through a lot in her life, but you’ve done everything you can to help her. If only she realized, you are her best friend and love her with every heartbeat!

Please take care of yourself! I hope your everything goes well with your bypass surgery in the summer. I’m sending you a link for free online counseling for you and your daughter, if you are concerned about your daughter taking her life.

https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp

Reply from
BARNEY
on Feb 17 2018 at 17:57
Member since: 13 February 2018
thankyou for the link i will pas it to her.i do have faith and it gets me through .working helps keep me thinking constantly about everything ..some days tho ..you just wonder where did it all go so wrong..i can only hope that we all learn something from all that happens to us while we are on this earth who knows .xx
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Feb 18 2018 at 01:45
Member since: 19 August 2014
Barney, your daughter isn't ever going to learn to help herself if you're there to always prop her up and bail her out. Did that ever occur to you prior to today?...that by having helped her so consistently, reliably and frequently, you've accidentally taught her via repetition, that she can go through life not having to take adult responsibility and can more or less just party-party-party because, whatever she does, wherever she goes, she comes with an ever-ready safetynet against all precarious or downright dangerous situations, namely, you?

(I know why you did that and - say it 10 times out-loud in the mirror because it's the truth and you need to get it 'right down in there': IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, THE GUILT YOU FEEL ISN'T GENUINE AND WARRANTED GUILT AT ALL, JUST BOG-STANDARD, MOTHERLY, BYPRODUCTIVE (DESIGN FAULT) SENSATION. You just *assume* it's guilt "for something(s)", because you were for so long shocked and numb, not feeling anything, meaning - alien sensation, what the hell is this, it feels like guilty conscience/sense of responsibility, then it must be!". Wronggggg!... which is why you keep trying to make up to her for it, somehow and yet, as you now realise - it's not worked because IT NEVER COULD! It's not something that abates. Even if they're absolutely fine or better than fine!

That's better plugged-in Motherhood for ya. Great!....doesn't it. :-p

Here's the thing: she's pretty inept, right, if you think about it? And you've for the above reasons (and possibly more) played a part in that (which is the DOWN side to being such a big-hearted, deeply caring mum). So it would be neither right nor fair to whip that safetynet away in one, all-in-one action. Because that's too drastic a change from the situation she's grown so used to. Would be a bit like expecting a car to go from Nought to Sixty in ...basically ZERO seconds. So, looking at things from *her* point of view, I think it's no wonder she's so screamingly panicked and desperate as to threaten to kill herself.

That's good, though. It means she's got passion, and if she's got that much passion then - re-orientate her and her big energy in the correct direction and there will probably be no stopping her! :-)

...And then, in however many years from now, you'll start worrying that she'll fall over the balcony of her swanky penthouse and OH, IF OOOONLY you'd taught her about not leaning over balconies (blah-blah-neurotic-mum-script-blah). Etc., etc., etc.

The anxiety and guilt never stops.

Unless *you* become much more engrossed and busy with life, of course. ;-)

I expect (had she been able to talk that well) she'd have felt and 'threatened' the exact same if, aged 9 months, you'd said to her, 'Right then - tomorrow, I've decided, you're going to cease crawling and walk perfectly on two legs...or have to go live in the garden shed'.

She's too scared to make that gargantuan leap. She was in shock and then stasis for years, what with all the trauma. I mean - those two major nightmares? - IT'S TOO MUCH. Instead of her brainpower having got on with its normal, kiddie then adolescent total workload (think typed 'emotional sheets' in an office intray, waiting to be got through then filed), it got directed overly onto trying-trying-trying to solve the traumatising mystery- sorry, TWO traumatic mysteries, in terms of Why, Why, Oh Why (It's Not Fair / I'm Not Safe, No-one Is / This World's Nasty-Nasty-Nasty / F**kitall to hell, let's just get OBLIVIOUS and bounce off the walls!).

Can you see it now?

You're ready to begin your rise from the ashes - she's not. And when she shouts that you didn't give her an education, what she's REALLY saying is that you didn't get extra-extra tough to compensate, but SOFTER and let HER lead too much. Well, that too is a Downside - of being a kind and gentle 'lover' rather than a 'tough love', sergeanty type of parent. (Well, nobody said she could have it all or that you could be All Mothers, eh. IT IS WHAT IT IS, it happened this way for a reason, like you yourself show you suspect.)

So I'd have thought the sensible, pragmatic and all-round canny thing to do would be to either [a] propose a do-able period of notice in which you WEAN HER OFF your strength and onto her own in Baby Step stylee (to begin with...it tends to increase exponentially), by which I mean, show her how to execute and accomplish stuff so as to gain more age-appropriate independence...which, if you think about it, you'd have been free-time-capable of doing - even as you went about doing your normal, daily 'housemum' routines - had it not been for said two traumas mightily keeping you, too, stunned silly then distracted..., or [b] *insert own brilliantly crafty idea*.

What do you think. Is it a plan, Stan?

PS: It's not, quote, gone wrong, it's just gone 'same sh*t, different situation, different path back'. Which is how *anything* is. The only 'wrong' bit - which in fact is normal in a post-traumatic aftermath of that size - is the Delay part. That's all. :-) So if you *weren't* both in this precise spot, if you'd both kept to normal developmental schedule in spite of two (in terms of total grieving path) highly traumatic life events then, frankly, I'd think there were something wrong with you both and would be calling for Matron! ;-)

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Feb 18 2018 at 01:50
Member since: 19 August 2014
(sorry, that last line should have read 'two highly traumatic life events, BACK-TO-BACK')
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Feb 18 2018 at 01:57
Member since: 19 August 2014
PS: She probably missed out on a lot of the usual childlike fun and care-free play/frivolity back then, as well, hence - killing two birds with the one stone in teenager fashion.
Reply from
BARNEY
on Feb 18 2018 at 12:43
Member since: 13 February 2018
thankyou soulmate your post was really helpfull and i will be making a plan it all makes sense i suppose i just needed it spelt out in black and white .thankyou
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Feb 20 2018 at 04:00
Member since: 19 August 2014
You're exceptionally welcome, Modom. :-)

Best of luck (albeit, you won't need it) and do feel free to return with an update at any point, or to stick around if you have more questions.

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?