Has your daughter ever had professional help? Many big things came down on her at age 14. Too much for a young teen to handle. Insist that she get help before asking you for anything more.
Are there any other relatives or friends that can help you out at this time?
But if daughter didn't follow through then she didn't 'have counselling'. Also, relying on you for income isn't 'getting through it herself'.
Stay in touch if you want or need to.
And PS: You sound like an absolutely amazing mum! What help are *you* getting?
You’ve lost so much, how are you getting through all these trials? Do you have any kind of faith in God?
Your daughter has also been through a lot in her life, but you’ve done everything you can to help her. If only she realized, you are her best friend and love her with every heartbeat!
Please take care of yourself! I hope your everything goes well with your bypass surgery in the summer. I’m sending you a link for free online counseling for you and your daughter, if you are concerned about your daughter taking her life.
(I know why you did that and - say it 10 times out-loud in the mirror because it's the truth and you need to get it 'right down in there': IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, THE GUILT YOU FEEL ISN'T GENUINE AND WARRANTED GUILT AT ALL, JUST BOG-STANDARD, MOTHERLY, BYPRODUCTIVE (DESIGN FAULT) SENSATION. You just *assume* it's guilt "for something(s)", because you were for so long shocked and numb, not feeling anything, meaning - alien sensation, what the hell is this, it feels like guilty conscience/sense of responsibility, then it must be!". Wronggggg!... which is why you keep trying to make up to her for it, somehow and yet, as you now realise - it's not worked because IT NEVER COULD! It's not something that abates. Even if they're absolutely fine or better than fine!
That's better plugged-in Motherhood for ya. Great!....doesn't it. :-p
Here's the thing: she's pretty inept, right, if you think about it? And you've for the above reasons (and possibly more) played a part in that (which is the DOWN side to being such a big-hearted, deeply caring mum). So it would be neither right nor fair to whip that safetynet away in one, all-in-one action. Because that's too drastic a change from the situation she's grown so used to. Would be a bit like expecting a car to go from Nought to Sixty in ...basically ZERO seconds. So, looking at things from *her* point of view, I think it's no wonder she's so screamingly panicked and desperate as to threaten to kill herself.
That's good, though. It means she's got passion, and if she's got that much passion then - re-orientate her and her big energy in the correct direction and there will probably be no stopping her!
...And then, in however many years from now, you'll start worrying that she'll fall over the balcony of her swanky penthouse and OH, IF OOOONLY you'd taught her about not leaning over balconies (blah-blah-neurotic-mum-script-blah). Etc., etc., etc.
The anxiety and guilt never stops.
Unless *you* become much more engrossed and busy with life, of course.
I expect (had she been able to talk that well) she'd have felt and 'threatened' the exact same if, aged 9 months, you'd said to her, 'Right then - tomorrow, I've decided, you're going to cease crawling and walk perfectly on two legs...or have to go live in the garden shed'.
She's too scared to make that gargantuan leap. She was in shock and then stasis for years, what with all the trauma. I mean - those two major nightmares? - IT'S TOO MUCH. Instead of her brainpower having got on with its normal, kiddie then adolescent total workload (think typed 'emotional sheets' in an office intray, waiting to be got through then filed), it got directed overly onto trying-trying-trying to solve the traumatising mystery- sorry, TWO traumatic mysteries, in terms of Why, Why, Oh Why (It's Not Fair / I'm Not Safe, No-one Is / This World's Nasty-Nasty-Nasty / F**kitall to hell, let's just get OBLIVIOUS and bounce off the walls!).
Can you see it now?
You're ready to begin your rise from the ashes - she's not. And when she shouts that you didn't give her an education, what she's REALLY saying is that you didn't get extra-extra tough to compensate, but SOFTER and let HER lead too much. Well, that too is a Downside - of being a kind and gentle 'lover' rather than a 'tough love', sergeanty type of parent. (Well, nobody said she could have it all or that you could be All Mothers, eh. IT IS WHAT IT IS, it happened this way for a reason, like you yourself show you suspect.)
So I'd have thought the sensible, pragmatic and all-round canny thing to do would be to either [a] propose a do-able period of notice in which you WEAN HER OFF your strength and onto her own in Baby Step stylee (to begin with...it tends to increase exponentially), by which I mean, show her how to execute and accomplish stuff so as to gain more age-appropriate independence...which, if you think about it, you'd have been free-time-capable of doing - even as you went about doing your normal, daily 'housemum' routines - had it not been for said two traumas mightily keeping you, too, stunned silly then distracted..., or [b] *insert own brilliantly crafty idea*.
What do you think. Is it a plan, Stan?
PS: It's not, quote, gone wrong, it's just gone 'same sh*t, different situation, different path back'. Which is how *anything* is. The only 'wrong' bit - which in fact is normal in a post-traumatic aftermath of that size - is the Delay part. That's all. So if you *weren't* both in this precise spot, if you'd both kept to normal developmental schedule in spite of two (in terms of total grieving path) highly traumatic life events then, frankly, I'd think there were something wrong with you both and would be calling for Matron!
Best of luck (albeit, you won't need it) and do feel free to return with an update at any point, or to stick around if you have more questions.