My husband loves video games . Loves them . We set up a rule a year ago he can’t touch video games when kids are awake and it went great but somehow that rule has translated into him playing video games every second he can otherwise . He works late so he comes home at midnight and plays video games every single night for hours on end even if I’m awake . On his days off he pushes the rule more and plays video games as much as he can . I can honestly say there’s never been a day in months he hasn’t played his video games . I think it repulses me at this point and I grimace every time his games come on and he knows ....
I started a seasonal job recently . Pretty huge because Its the first time working in my field- I’m set to graduate this year . Up until now I was an online/ stay at home mom The problem is I’m working with tons of professionals and realizing how much I’ve changed in the past couple years and my husband didn’t . So I keep thinking what if we can’t agree on the life we want ? I constantly discuss needing to move if I find a job because there’s nothing in our area . I currently commute 1 hour each way every day . He not only hates the idea of moving but says if we do he won’t apply to work anywhere else and wants to be a stay at home dad . I can’t imagine him doing that =
He’s also a strong introvert . He has one friend he’s kept . Never ever goes out . I’m talking in all of our relationship he never went out . I’m somewhere between introvert/ extrovert . I’ve built a few very strong circles of friends through the year . I go out occasionally (like once every few months) and usually just for dinner and drinks . My husband has not only refused the idea of going out with friends and their husbands.. but makes me feel awful about going on whether he means to or not . He doesn’t drink and I drink very little max of 1-2 drinks when I’m out . I’ve never been drunk. Still he makes comments that remind me of what a young child would say, “so how wasted are you?” “How can you drink that grossness?” “It tastes so yucky.”
I’ve kept bringing up just him and I having a night out at a bar because honestly I feel so bad going out even with friends as a married woman without my husband —- he’s told me in all honestly that he really doesn’t want to and not to ask again and he’s fine with what I do =
In regards to that ... my work has a big party in a few months in a bar . They’ve told me spouses are invlted ..:. Everyone’s getting drunk because free drinks whatever .... I started thinking about how I really didn’t want my husband to go . I think I’d lose my mind if he starts commenting if I drink. I think it’d be a fight to get him to dress nice. I know he’s introverted and will avoid making any small talk and sit there. I also .... and this is the horrible part just don’t see him fitting in with co-workers and their spouses because of their professional nature . I’m scared they might view me differently when they’re grooming me to join the firm at graduation .
Everything I’ve said here my husband is aware of . What do I do ? How do I make our marriage work ? Will I ever stop feeling this way ?
At a first stage I think you should have a serious conversation with him where you present to him clearly and without reluctance your complaints and everything you think is a problem in your relationship. You also need to think to yourself, if nothing changes and stays the same, what do YOU want to do? Will you choose to tolerate him forever or choose a more suitable and healthy life for you and your children? Because you are not happy as it is, and if things stay the same don't let yourself assume you will be okay with it in the future. 22 is VERY young. Don't live a life unhappy.
At a second stage and perhaps more effectively, you need to ask him to see a professional. I have been through a similar situation to this and TRUST me, his case at this point and severity thereof needs professional notice and help. Addiction like that to video games is really not a funny matter, soon he will not even be able to function at all as a thinking human being. Harshly put, he will be "useless" to himself and everybody around him. Conversation, and collaboration with a professional to solve this huge issue is the key. The fastest you act the better, and don't back down. Don't let him see that you are letting him off. Once you make your point don't allow him to dismiss it, or make you dismiss it.
So to answer the last question, no, you will not stop feeling this way unless something is done to solve this problem. You are wasting some of the best years of your life by compromising with a sad situation. If he truly loves his family he will realize the problem and try to change it. If not, my advice is to choose against accepting his filthiness and irresponsibility for the rest of your life. You won't be happy and your children won't be either. I wish you strength and all the best
I've considered him being depressed and I think to a level he is but it doesn't seem he wants to accept it and most definitely doesn't seem on board with ever getting help. Overall though I don't think everything he does is correlated to if he is or is not depressed. Other people have described my husband as unhygenic. I think it's just hitting me more now being around other people and realizing this isn't the norm.
Honestly I don't even know what is the norm with relationships in terms of constantly fighting your significant other to have any drive. Last summer we needed to build a fence on our house and I had to push him and bribe him every single step of the way to get that fence built. It just felt like a constant battle. He would only do a little of it each day and each time needed a reward in return or a giant fight to get him out there moving. Another project was last winter... he agreed to lay laminate in our front room. It's been a year now and there is still exactly one row left to be finished but it sits unfinished.
It doesn't seem like it but I love him. We are best friends and great co-parenting together. Every-time my 3 year old says "mom and dad stop fighting" it hurts a little more. I just hold so much frustration and disgust in my heart and I don't know if it will be something I can get over. I know he would never want things to end but I feel like I'm asking him to change things that are just the way he is .
Insist on a complete physical. He is using food and video games to hide facing reality. His poor hygiene and procrastination are common signs of depression.
Take drinking off the table. You should not feel any pressure to drink. Go to the party but Just don't drink. Are you able to do that?
Marriage counseling is a must, too.
Earn your possible job from your own behavior and work ethic.