I’m disgusted by my husband
So I am 22. I have two kids with my husband (3+1) . I think I’m repulsed by my husband . He’s unhygienic . There were small things when we were younger but as the kids were born it’s gotten worse and worse . I’ve always had to bribe him to get him to shave or cut his hair. I’ve tried compromising and asking him to please just trim his facial hair if he wants a beard but he puts zero effort into it . Doesn’t care if it gets dirty or whatever . I don’t even like him kissing me because of it . He knows that and still it stays . He wears the same clothes for 3-4 days on average . Throws a fit if he has to dress nice and by nice I mean a plain colored polo and pants . My husband is morbidly obese . His weight doesn’t bother me - what bothers me is health problems he’s had at the age of 23 because of it and still he doesn’t care.
My husband loves video games . Loves them . We set up a rule a year ago he can’t touch video games when kids are awake and it went great but somehow that rule has translated into him playing video games every second he can otherwise . He works late so he comes home at midnight and plays video games every single night for hours on end even if I’m awake . On his days off he pushes the rule more and plays video games as much as he can . I can honestly say there’s never been a day in months he hasn’t played his video games . I think it repulses me at this point and I grimace every time his games come on and he knows ....
I started a seasonal job recently . Pretty huge because Its the first time working in my field- I’m set to graduate this year . Up until now I was an online/ stay at home mom The problem is I’m working with tons of professionals and realizing how much I’ve changed in the past couple years and my husband didn’t . So I keep thinking what if we can’t agree on the life we want ? I constantly discuss needing to move if I find a job because there’s nothing in our area . I currently commute 1 hour each way every day . He not only hates the idea of moving but says if we do he won’t apply to work anywhere else and wants to be a stay at home dad . I can’t imagine him doing that =
He’s also a strong introvert . He has one friend he’s kept . Never ever goes out . I’m talking in all of our relationship he never went out . I’m somewhere between introvert/ extrovert . I’ve built a few very strong circles of friends through the year . I go out occasionally (like once every few months) and usually just for dinner and drinks . My husband has not only refused the idea of going out with friends and their husbands.. but makes me feel awful about going on whether he means to or not . He doesn’t drink and I drink very little max of 1-2 drinks when I’m out . I’ve never been drunk. Still he makes comments that remind me of what a young child would say, “so how wasted are you?” “How can you drink that grossness?” “It tastes so yucky.”
I’ve kept bringing up just him and I having a night out at a bar because honestly I feel so bad going out even with friends as a married woman without my husband —- he’s told me in all honestly that he really doesn’t want to and not to ask again and he’s fine with what I do =
In regards to that ... my work has a big party in a few months in a bar . They’ve told me spouses are invlted ..:. Everyone’s getting drunk because free drinks whatever .... I started thinking about how I really didn’t want my husband to go . I think I’d lose my mind if he starts commenting if I drink. I think it’d be a fight to get him to dress nice. I know he’s introverted and will avoid making any small talk and sit there. I also .... and this is the horrible part just don’t see him fitting in with co-workers and their spouses because of their professional nature . I’m scared they might view me differently when they’re grooming me to join the firm at graduation .
Everything I’ve said here my husband is aware of . What do I do ? How do I make our marriage work ? Will I ever stop feeling this way ?
It seems like living with your husband at this point has become really hard and unpleasant for you and I completely understand your feelings. You sound like you tolerate a lot, do you think you have somehow "allowed" him to act like this though? Have you subconsciously let him get away with behaviors and actions and by doing that have given him the impression that you tolerate everything? I think he has definitely taken you for granted which is why he doesn't even bother to take care of himself anymore. He is no longer concerned about how you view him and cares little about his image, which can indicate either that he has lost feeling (which I do not want to believe since you have two kids together), or that he is going through some kind of extreme form of depression. Addiction to video games and poor hygiene is often linked to depression and suicidal urges. You also mentioned that he has a weight problem, which means he turns to food a lot, which is also an addiction.
At a first stage I think you should have a serious conversation with him where you present to him clearly and without reluctance your complaints and everything you think is a problem in your relationship. You also need to think to yourself, if nothing changes and stays the same, what do YOU want to do? Will you choose to tolerate him forever or choose a more suitable and healthy life for you and your children? Because you are not happy as it is, and if things stay the same don't let yourself assume you will be okay with it in the future. 22 is VERY young. Don't live a life unhappy.
At a second stage and perhaps more effectively, you need to ask him to see a professional. I have been through a similar situation to this and TRUST me, his case at this point and severity thereof needs professional notice and help. Addiction like that to video games is really not a funny matter, soon he will not even be able to function at all as a thinking human being. Harshly put, he will be "useless" to himself and everybody around him. Conversation, and collaboration with a professional to solve this huge issue is the key. The fastest you act the better, and don't back down. Don't let him see that you are letting him off. Once you make your point don't allow him to dismiss it, or make you dismiss it.
So to answer the last question, no, you will not stop feeling this way unless something is done to solve this problem. You are wasting some of the best years of your life by compromising with a sad situation. If he truly loves his family he will realize the problem and try to change it. If not, my advice is to choose against accepting his filthiness and irresponsibility for the rest of your life. You won't be happy and your children won't be either. I wish you strength and all the best
Thank you for responding. Honestly I can't say if I've allowed the behavior. We've always had tension over the same things. I remember last year us fighting about clothing choices in public. He kept wearing shirts and pants full of holes out and about. It escalated and his family got involved and gave me a lecture about how I should just buy him new clothes and throw out]t his old ones and he will get over it. It just gets worse and worse and honestly I think I'm mainly upset with his inability to take personal responsibility for his appearance and just overall lack of caring. I know he will shave if I bribe him or fight him to get him to shave but I'm just too exhausted to fight for something so stupid again. I've been distant as I've reflected on things and he knows so today he asked me if everything will be better between us if he just shaves. I just don't know if it's that easy.
I've considered him being depressed and I think to a level he is but it doesn't seem he wants to accept it and most definitely doesn't seem on board with ever getting help. Overall though I don't think everything he does is correlated to if he is or is not depressed. Other people have described my husband as unhygenic. I think it's just hitting me more now being around other people and realizing this isn't the norm.
Honestly I don't even know what is the norm with relationships in terms of constantly fighting your significant other to have any drive. Last summer we needed to build a fence on our house and I had to push him and bribe him every single step of the way to get that fence built. It just felt like a constant battle. He would only do a little of it each day and each time needed a reward in return or a giant fight to get him out there moving. Another project was last winter... he agreed to lay laminate in our front room. It's been a year now and there is still exactly one row left to be finished but it sits unfinished.
It doesn't seem like it but I love him. We are best friends and great co-parenting together. Every-time my 3 year old says "mom and dad stop fighting" it hurts a little more. I just hold so much frustration and disgust in my heart and I don't know if it will be something I can get over. I know he would never want things to end but I feel like I'm asking him to change things that are just the way he is .
He sounds like he has issues from his upbringing. They were there, you just didn't think they were important. Now, socializing with others and being at your job you see how things could be better.
Insist on a complete physical. He is using food and video games to hide facing reality. His poor hygiene and procrastination are common signs of depression.
Take drinking off the table. You should not feel any pressure to drink. Go to the party but Just don't drink. Are you able to do that?
Marriage counseling is a must, too.
I want to drink just like I want to socialize and schmooze with the partners in the hope they'll keep me in mind for hiring on. I just don't want to deal with my husband not drinking and making me feel awkward about drinking. It just makes me feel really insecure. He knows it hurts because my father was an alcoholic thus why I only socially drink a drink or two. He doesn't seem to mean to make me feel like that he just doesn't know how to handle social situations so he makes awkward comments or sits there in silence. We've had many a quiet dinner together.
So we've been talking about health for awhile now due to some doctor visits that had me concerned. I asked him to please go see a dietitian and maybe it'd help having someone else to discuss possible changes with other than me. He went to a doctor . Doctor said all his blood work was fine now and doing better than it was when he first was having issues. I asked him if he asked for a referral to the dietitian and he said he forgot. I asked him to call and ask. He decided not to. That maybe next time he might mention it even though there won't be a next time. He only went to the doctor because I made us all appointments. He went on to say it's just too awkward to ask for a referral and he doesn't know what he should say so why bother. That's just pretty typically how he acts.
You are not responsible for your husband's behavior or his hygiene. No one at work will judge YOU because he doesn't drink or he is overweight.
Earn your possible job from your own behavior and work ethic.
As I read over your problem, I realized that you still love your husband. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have asked for help in this matter. One thing we all have to learn, is that we can’t change someone if they don’t want to be changed. We also can’t change someone with nagging or negative comments to them. When you speak to your husband about his “habits” do you speak in love or anger? If he feels you are constantly bugging him about this, he will probably continue in his bad habits just to get back at you. I think it’s great that you are concerned about his health. He’s very young to be having health issues. If he doesn’t change his habits, things will most likely get worse for him. I don’t know what your daily tasks are but I’m wondering if you could plan something special for the 2 of you for when he comes home from work. Try to get his mind off of those video games. Maybe you could fix a healthy snack and watch a funny movie together. We all want to say we love for the inner person and I believe that’s true. However, sometimes it is hard to look at a person who doesn’t take care of their outer self. I don’t think you are asking for too much. Make sure that you are an example to him and your children. Often, we can help someone change by changing our own ways and attitudes. Think about how you have been acting toward your husband and his behavior. May I suggest a book by Kathi Lipp? It is entitled “The Husband Project. It may give you some help in this situation If you pray, pray that your husband is open to taking care of himself. I pray and will be praying for you, your husband, and your children.